One: I finished my last day of work today. Woohoo! No teaching or teenagers until March 18th... over 15 weeks away. :)
Two: I literally JUST found my first stretch marks TODAY. At 39 weeks and 3 days. Just 4 days before he gets here. I have 2 little squiggly bastards just above my belly button... and I was SO close to avoiding that badge of honor. Oh well. I refuse to complain about a single moment of this miracle of a pregnancy, and I'll just choose to see the stretch marks as good proof that our baby boy is growing away in there. But baby, there's not much room left in there so maybe you could just hang out for these last 4 days instead of packing on too much more weight, ok? Or, really, go ahead and grow. :) Stretch marks will just be my physical reminder that I actually DID carry a baby to term, which for many years didn't seem like something I'd ever get to experience. So I'll take it. I don't really plan on ever wearing a bikini again anyway. Ha.
4 more days! Ahh! Tuesday at 1pm. Tuesday at 1pm. Tuesday. at. 1. pm.
I can make it!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The date is officially set...
Tuesday, December 4th at 1pm. That will be our baby's birthday, to the hour... unless, of course, he decides to come earlier than that, which I really don't think will happen. I have not had a single Braxton Hicks contraction, or any other indication that labor could start any time in the near future. Plus, he's breech, so it's not like his head is pushing on my cervix or anything like that. He's snug as a bug in there, and I don't expect labor to start on its own any time soon.
We had originally planned on having my scheduled c-section this Thursday, November 29th, but the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I was with that date. I can't even fully explain why, but there are various factors that influenced my decision to wait a bit.
First, and I know the actual date really doesn't matter at ALL, but I have always thought of this baby as a December baby. A Christmas baby. A warm, snuggly gift to come during one of my favorite months, just in time for the holidays. December sounds right to me; November doesn't. It sounds weird, but I guess that's just how I've been thinking about it right along, and since I get to choose anyway, why not wait a few more days?
Second, and much more importantly, on November 29th I will only be 39 weeks and 2 days. Now I KNOW this is more than full-term, and that he would be perfectly fine if we took him out then, but for some reason it just wasn't sitting right with me. I've read a few things about how there is occasionally a higher risk for respiratory issues with babies born via cesarean, and that that risk is higher when they are born prior to 39 weeks. So going to 39 weeks and 2 days didn't feel super reassuring to me. I wanted to give him more time, just in case he needs it. And most likely he doesn't need it and would be perfectly fine a week earlier, but I just felt more comfortable waiting.
Third, there was the issue of work (again, doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but still). This week is final exam week for my high schoolers. If we did the 29th, Thursday, I was going to have to start my maternity leave 2 days early, which is 2 less days I would get paid in the end. And they are 2 VERY EASY days, so that was frustrating to me. Thursday is a 1/2 day, with work time for teachers in the afternoon. And Friday the kids don't have school at all, so I will literally just be taking care of business all day and sitting on my bum at school for my last day. I wasn't happy about being docked 2 whole sub days for days when I'd hardly even need a sub, so I'm very happy to be able to just finish the week/trimester through to the end. Then again, if baby boy decides to come early, I won't care one iota about work at that point. But since we're picking a date here, it might as well be convenient, right? :)
Thankfully, my OB was super nice about switching the date, which had already been set for the 29th at the hospital. And there was one other issue at play here, which I am SO thankful did not end up being an issue in the end. It's all working out. The issue was that originally my OB had said he only does c-sections on Thursdays, since he's in the clinic every other day. So that meant we could do Thursday the 29th, or wait unil the following Thursday, December 6th (2 days past my due date). Once I'd decided I wanted to wait until he was a full 40 weeks, I was trying my hardest to be ok with December 6th. But here's the thing: December 6th is the 2 year anniversary, to the day, of my first D&C from my first miscarriage. AKA possibly the worst and hardest day of my life so far. Now, yes, two years have passed. And yes, this birth could help change my negative associations with that date. But honestly, I didn't want what I expect to be the happiest day of my life (my first living child's birthday) to be in any way connected to negative feelings. Still, I tried to tell myself this wouldn't matter in the end. And I cried a bit at the irony of it all. And I wondered once again about God's timing and his sense of humor (if you could call it that). But then...
At my appt. on Wednesday, once we decided to switch dates, we went with my OB to talk to the lady who schedules surgeries. And guess what? He is full-up packed on the 6th. No openings for little ol' me to have my baby. He was surprised by this; I was relieved. And then? The best part. He says, "Ok, well, pick another day that week and I will make it work. It'll be fine. I can sneak over to the hospital and help you with this." I was blown away by this! After all of our ups and downs during this pregnancy, he is really, truly coming through for me. And I do want him to do it. I don't want another OB who doesn't know me or my anxieties. So this is huge for me. And so we picked our due date, Tuesday, December 4th, and I feel so much peace about that date. I was born on my due date, so I love that my son will born that way too (even if it's not naturally). Plus, it's NOT December 6th, which is a huge relief to me. All in all, it's the perfect date in my mind to have this little boy.
December 4th, 1pm. If I say it enough, maybe it will start to feel real to me...
So that's where we stand as of today. I am still scared that something will go wrong between now and then. I have even said to my husband, "What if he somehow dies between the 29th and the 4th? I'll never be able to forgive myself for waiting." But I pray that won't happen, and that all of my (hopefully irrational) fears about my son dying before he's born will prove to be totally unfounded in the end. And the end is only 10 days away! I can't believe it. I truly can't believe it. :)
We had originally planned on having my scheduled c-section this Thursday, November 29th, but the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I was with that date. I can't even fully explain why, but there are various factors that influenced my decision to wait a bit.
First, and I know the actual date really doesn't matter at ALL, but I have always thought of this baby as a December baby. A Christmas baby. A warm, snuggly gift to come during one of my favorite months, just in time for the holidays. December sounds right to me; November doesn't. It sounds weird, but I guess that's just how I've been thinking about it right along, and since I get to choose anyway, why not wait a few more days?
Second, and much more importantly, on November 29th I will only be 39 weeks and 2 days. Now I KNOW this is more than full-term, and that he would be perfectly fine if we took him out then, but for some reason it just wasn't sitting right with me. I've read a few things about how there is occasionally a higher risk for respiratory issues with babies born via cesarean, and that that risk is higher when they are born prior to 39 weeks. So going to 39 weeks and 2 days didn't feel super reassuring to me. I wanted to give him more time, just in case he needs it. And most likely he doesn't need it and would be perfectly fine a week earlier, but I just felt more comfortable waiting.
Third, there was the issue of work (again, doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but still). This week is final exam week for my high schoolers. If we did the 29th, Thursday, I was going to have to start my maternity leave 2 days early, which is 2 less days I would get paid in the end. And they are 2 VERY EASY days, so that was frustrating to me. Thursday is a 1/2 day, with work time for teachers in the afternoon. And Friday the kids don't have school at all, so I will literally just be taking care of business all day and sitting on my bum at school for my last day. I wasn't happy about being docked 2 whole sub days for days when I'd hardly even need a sub, so I'm very happy to be able to just finish the week/trimester through to the end. Then again, if baby boy decides to come early, I won't care one iota about work at that point. But since we're picking a date here, it might as well be convenient, right? :)
Thankfully, my OB was super nice about switching the date, which had already been set for the 29th at the hospital. And there was one other issue at play here, which I am SO thankful did not end up being an issue in the end. It's all working out. The issue was that originally my OB had said he only does c-sections on Thursdays, since he's in the clinic every other day. So that meant we could do Thursday the 29th, or wait unil the following Thursday, December 6th (2 days past my due date). Once I'd decided I wanted to wait until he was a full 40 weeks, I was trying my hardest to be ok with December 6th. But here's the thing: December 6th is the 2 year anniversary, to the day, of my first D&C from my first miscarriage. AKA possibly the worst and hardest day of my life so far. Now, yes, two years have passed. And yes, this birth could help change my negative associations with that date. But honestly, I didn't want what I expect to be the happiest day of my life (my first living child's birthday) to be in any way connected to negative feelings. Still, I tried to tell myself this wouldn't matter in the end. And I cried a bit at the irony of it all. And I wondered once again about God's timing and his sense of humor (if you could call it that). But then...
At my appt. on Wednesday, once we decided to switch dates, we went with my OB to talk to the lady who schedules surgeries. And guess what? He is full-up packed on the 6th. No openings for little ol' me to have my baby. He was surprised by this; I was relieved. And then? The best part. He says, "Ok, well, pick another day that week and I will make it work. It'll be fine. I can sneak over to the hospital and help you with this." I was blown away by this! After all of our ups and downs during this pregnancy, he is really, truly coming through for me. And I do want him to do it. I don't want another OB who doesn't know me or my anxieties. So this is huge for me. And so we picked our due date, Tuesday, December 4th, and I feel so much peace about that date. I was born on my due date, so I love that my son will born that way too (even if it's not naturally). Plus, it's NOT December 6th, which is a huge relief to me. All in all, it's the perfect date in my mind to have this little boy.
December 4th, 1pm. If I say it enough, maybe it will start to feel real to me...
So that's where we stand as of today. I am still scared that something will go wrong between now and then. I have even said to my husband, "What if he somehow dies between the 29th and the 4th? I'll never be able to forgive myself for waiting." But I pray that won't happen, and that all of my (hopefully irrational) fears about my son dying before he's born will prove to be totally unfounded in the end. And the end is only 10 days away! I can't believe it. I truly can't believe it. :)
Friday, November 16, 2012
Almost there... and still worried.
We are officially now full-term, as of 3 days ago on Tuesday. This is so crazy to me, so amazing, so unexpected (how did this really happen, after so much crap and heartbreak for so long?), so mind-blowing, that I am often caught completely off-guard by the reality of it. I cry every day, usually out of happiness and disbelief that we might finally get to meet the baby we've waited so long for. I allow myself to imagine the first moment of seeing his face, and my heart melts through the floor and the tears just come. I can't believe it. I can barely let myself even attempt to believe it. It's too good to be true.
Lately, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good moments and bad moments, as most days I am up and down and all over the place emotionally. I'm still sad, I'm still fearful, I'm still anxious. But I'm also, at moments, happy beyond my wildest imagination. And this is when I get start to get scared again.
When he is active and moving, I feel the joy and the peace that allows me to imagine him really coming home with us. But still, STILL, after all these many months, when he is sleeping and perfectly still in my womb, my mind creeps back to the darkness and I find myself panicking, wondering if this will be the moment it all comes crashing down. I wish I could say I no longer carried this fear around, the fear that his heart will just up and stop beating, and that instead of a big, sleeping but live baby in my belly, I'll really be left with a big, sleeping baby that will never wake up. It goes back to my first miscarriage... to that moment when my entire life, my entire reality, changed in an instant that will forever haunt me. It was the moment when I went from being convinced MY baby would never die, to seeing with my own eyes that indeed there he was on the screen, with his little heart was no longer flickering. He was there and perfect, and yet he was already gone. My whole life changed right then. My innocence was stripped away and I was left shivering (figuratively AND literally... I could not stop shaking for days), no longer believing any of the things I thought to be true in all of the days of my life that led me to that horrible ultrasound.
I guess it must be that memory that has haunted me throughout this entire pregnancy. One minute your baby can be alive and well, and the next they are just suddenly gone. And you don't always get a reason (I never did, with either of them). So what if those babies were 10 weeks and 6 weeks old? So what if this one is 37.5 weeks, and could live just fine should he be born today? In the darkest recesses of my mind, it's the very same issue with me: They can still die. I know this because I have now met many women who lost their perfect, full-term babies, with no explanation. And it is honestly the greatest fear of my life at this point in time. Why should I be any different? Why should my baby live, when others haven't? My mom likes to say that we deserve this, that this is our moment. That we've been through enough, and now is our time to be happy. What a lovely thought. But I don't deserve it any more than the other mothers I know who DIDN'T get to bring their babies home. Many of them have been through much more than I have, and yet... and yet.
The universe just doesn't work that way, and I know this. There is no way, really, to calm my fears that this baby is not a guarantee, because, well, he just isn't. Nothing is.
Negative much? Sorry! I SWEAR I do not think this way 90% of the time. Even right now, as little knees or elbows push their way out of my belly every few minutes, I am mostly happy and at peace. I guess I'm just writing this down because the truth of the matter is that nearly every day, I still grapple with the same fears that have haunted me since my miscarriage and infertility hell first started way back when. Only when I hear my baby cry for the first time, when I hold him against my chest and FEEL that he is alive and ok, only then can I imagine I'll be able to believe this turn out ok.
And thankfully, oh so thankfully, that moment is less than 2 weeks away now. Which leads me to the update I MEANT to start out with (maybe if I wrote more often, as I'd like to, these posts wouldn't become such long novels). Here is where we are, as of our 37 week appointment this last Wednesday:
Baby Charlie (that is officially his name... we even pre-filled out the form for his birth certificate at the hospital this week!), named after my dad, my husband's middle name, and my husband's uncle, is still insisting on staying head up in the breech position. Unless a miracle happens and he flips around, our c-section will take place on Thursday, November 29th (my OB only does them on Thursdays, and I'd rather not wait a whole extra week, since I'll already be done with work then). I alternate between feeling perfectly happy with this plan and very sad and disappointed that we don't get to experience a real vaginal birth. Part of that issue is that I know I most likely will NEVER get to deliver vaginally after this, and I don't know, that's just something I really always wanted to experience... you know, doing all the hard work of labor, to finally be rewarded with your baby... to have your husband cut the chord... etc. etc. It's the way I always imagined it, and I need to let it go. I know it doesn't matter, not really. He just needs to get here safely, and if a section is the way for that to happen, so be it. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed about that.
At Wednesday's appointment I was also a little surprised to learn I had actually LOST 3 lbs. from the week before. I wasn't happy about that and immediately worried that Charlie wasn't growing like he should be. However, neither the nurse who weighed me nor my Dr. were the slightest bit concerned, so I am believing that baby is still gaining, even if I am losing. My OB even said it was a GOOD thing to lose weight at this point in pregnancy, as it just means I'm not retaining an excess fluid. Still, I really want a big, healthy baby, so I'm hoping this trend doesn't continue. To make up for the weight loss, I am now eating a huge helping of the best local ice cream on earth every night, which should help me pack on a few pounds before my next appointment. That's a healthy way to gain weight, right? :) Probably not, but it's a tasty way to do it so I'm all over it.
We had our pre-registration appointment at the hospital Wednesday night as well, and that really made things feel real. We got the full tour (again, I was a little sad do see my room would have a birthing tub, which I won't be needing... and a little freaked to see the surgical room and recovery room where I'll most likely spend a few hours during the c-section and recovery), and then filled out a crap-load of paperwork in preparation for the big day. This will make checking in the day of Charlie's birth a whole lot easier, and it also got us very excited about how little time is really left at this point. The next time we leave that hospital, it will be with our baby boy in tow (please God, let it be so!). I mean, wow.
My husband also installed the car-seat base in my car this week, which is another undeniable sign of how close we are getting. Every time I glance back there, I get a little teary thinking there might actually be a baby in there in just a couple more weeks. I still can't believe it (I know I keep saying that same thing, but it's true!).
I have only six days left at work. SIX days. Holy shit. I am simultaneously thrilled (it's like gearing up for summer vacation, only 10 billion times better) and stressed (how can I possibly get everything done in only six days?). More thrilled than stressed at this point. It will be fine, with or without me. I was very thankful, however, for a good post-evaluation meeting this week in which my administrator was very kind to say they really hoped I'd back, that they are so happy they hired me, etc. You rarely hear things like that in teaching, and I know it will help me not feel so negative about returning to work in March. It was good timing too, because it gave me a boost when I have been feeling SO drained and negative about my job lately. I'm ready to get out of there for a while.
I know there is more to update on, so maybe I'll do the good ol' generic kind, just so I can get it all recorded for posterity's sake (and I'm sure most of you stopped reading long ago... sorry this is all so boring!):
How Far Along?: 37 weeks, 3 days
Symptoms:
Cravings: smoothies, ice cream, comfort foods, Thanksgiving dinnner (I seriously can't wait), good coffee (I can't wait for that either), Dragon's Milk (my favorite beer in the universe)
Aversions: toothpaste
Movement:Yes, pretty regularly, which is a blessing for this anxious mama's mind. Also, I am really going to miss his hiccups. I love them more than anything. I can tell when he is pressing on my bladder too (his feet or knees are down there, after all... thanks to his breech position), so that can be fun. Still, I have NEVER once even wanted to complain about any discomfort. I love it all and welcome it with open arms!
Other happenings with my body: Still struggle with constipation, but Metamucil is helping that a lot. I have some pain in my lower back on the right side (where he prefers to hang out), but it's manageable. Belly keeps growing, but so far no stretch marks (knock on wood). I do have lots of itchiness on my legs and feet, and but that's not really pregnancy related: I have psoriasis/eczema, so it's the norm for me. Still annoying though!
Weight: I had gained about 26 pounds as of 1.5 weeks ago, but then that went down to 23 as of this week. So somewhere in that range.
Rings: Still on. No swelling.
Belly Button: I don't even know how to describe it. For a long time, it looked like the mouth of a balloon after it's been blown up and tied, if you can picture that. It's pushed out but not popped, if that makes sense? It looks like a little mound, but it's not fully popped out at this point. It's pretty weird looking and Phil and I both play with it more than is probably normal.
Stretch Marks: None that I can see, but my mom told me she never thought she had any either until she could finally see the underside of her belly again, and she did have a few hiding down there, so who knows...
Sleep: Some nights I sleep great, other nights I sleep horribly. Overall, it's not too bad though. I do love sleeping in on the weekends though, and need to really enjoy that because there are only 2 Saturdays left where I will get to enjoy that luxury. :)
Best Moment(s) of the Week: Every moment where I feel him move, getting complimented at my evaluation meeting, eating ice cream, having my final baby shower last Saturday put on by coworkers (it was really nice).
Looking Ahead: Thinking about finally meeting our baby in 13 days! Then worrying about healing from the c-section. I don't like to sit still for very long.
In Other News: I am praying so hard and so often for some of my dear IF/RPL sisters who are in various stages of either hoping or hurting. I want to make everything work out the way it should, and yet I know all I can do is pray for you and support you with my love from afar. This journey can be the biggest bitch sometimes, and that's when we really need to be there for each other the most.
Pictures: Here are a few recent ones from our last shower, etc.
Lately, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good moments and bad moments, as most days I am up and down and all over the place emotionally. I'm still sad, I'm still fearful, I'm still anxious. But I'm also, at moments, happy beyond my wildest imagination. And this is when I get start to get scared again.
When he is active and moving, I feel the joy and the peace that allows me to imagine him really coming home with us. But still, STILL, after all these many months, when he is sleeping and perfectly still in my womb, my mind creeps back to the darkness and I find myself panicking, wondering if this will be the moment it all comes crashing down. I wish I could say I no longer carried this fear around, the fear that his heart will just up and stop beating, and that instead of a big, sleeping but live baby in my belly, I'll really be left with a big, sleeping baby that will never wake up. It goes back to my first miscarriage... to that moment when my entire life, my entire reality, changed in an instant that will forever haunt me. It was the moment when I went from being convinced MY baby would never die, to seeing with my own eyes that indeed there he was on the screen, with his little heart was no longer flickering. He was there and perfect, and yet he was already gone. My whole life changed right then. My innocence was stripped away and I was left shivering (figuratively AND literally... I could not stop shaking for days), no longer believing any of the things I thought to be true in all of the days of my life that led me to that horrible ultrasound.
I guess it must be that memory that has haunted me throughout this entire pregnancy. One minute your baby can be alive and well, and the next they are just suddenly gone. And you don't always get a reason (I never did, with either of them). So what if those babies were 10 weeks and 6 weeks old? So what if this one is 37.5 weeks, and could live just fine should he be born today? In the darkest recesses of my mind, it's the very same issue with me: They can still die. I know this because I have now met many women who lost their perfect, full-term babies, with no explanation. And it is honestly the greatest fear of my life at this point in time. Why should I be any different? Why should my baby live, when others haven't? My mom likes to say that we deserve this, that this is our moment. That we've been through enough, and now is our time to be happy. What a lovely thought. But I don't deserve it any more than the other mothers I know who DIDN'T get to bring their babies home. Many of them have been through much more than I have, and yet... and yet.
The universe just doesn't work that way, and I know this. There is no way, really, to calm my fears that this baby is not a guarantee, because, well, he just isn't. Nothing is.
Negative much? Sorry! I SWEAR I do not think this way 90% of the time. Even right now, as little knees or elbows push their way out of my belly every few minutes, I am mostly happy and at peace. I guess I'm just writing this down because the truth of the matter is that nearly every day, I still grapple with the same fears that have haunted me since my miscarriage and infertility hell first started way back when. Only when I hear my baby cry for the first time, when I hold him against my chest and FEEL that he is alive and ok, only then can I imagine I'll be able to believe this turn out ok.
And thankfully, oh so thankfully, that moment is less than 2 weeks away now. Which leads me to the update I MEANT to start out with (maybe if I wrote more often, as I'd like to, these posts wouldn't become such long novels). Here is where we are, as of our 37 week appointment this last Wednesday:
Baby Charlie (that is officially his name... we even pre-filled out the form for his birth certificate at the hospital this week!), named after my dad, my husband's middle name, and my husband's uncle, is still insisting on staying head up in the breech position. Unless a miracle happens and he flips around, our c-section will take place on Thursday, November 29th (my OB only does them on Thursdays, and I'd rather not wait a whole extra week, since I'll already be done with work then). I alternate between feeling perfectly happy with this plan and very sad and disappointed that we don't get to experience a real vaginal birth. Part of that issue is that I know I most likely will NEVER get to deliver vaginally after this, and I don't know, that's just something I really always wanted to experience... you know, doing all the hard work of labor, to finally be rewarded with your baby... to have your husband cut the chord... etc. etc. It's the way I always imagined it, and I need to let it go. I know it doesn't matter, not really. He just needs to get here safely, and if a section is the way for that to happen, so be it. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed about that.
At Wednesday's appointment I was also a little surprised to learn I had actually LOST 3 lbs. from the week before. I wasn't happy about that and immediately worried that Charlie wasn't growing like he should be. However, neither the nurse who weighed me nor my Dr. were the slightest bit concerned, so I am believing that baby is still gaining, even if I am losing. My OB even said it was a GOOD thing to lose weight at this point in pregnancy, as it just means I'm not retaining an excess fluid. Still, I really want a big, healthy baby, so I'm hoping this trend doesn't continue. To make up for the weight loss, I am now eating a huge helping of the best local ice cream on earth every night, which should help me pack on a few pounds before my next appointment. That's a healthy way to gain weight, right? :) Probably not, but it's a tasty way to do it so I'm all over it.
We had our pre-registration appointment at the hospital Wednesday night as well, and that really made things feel real. We got the full tour (again, I was a little sad do see my room would have a birthing tub, which I won't be needing... and a little freaked to see the surgical room and recovery room where I'll most likely spend a few hours during the c-section and recovery), and then filled out a crap-load of paperwork in preparation for the big day. This will make checking in the day of Charlie's birth a whole lot easier, and it also got us very excited about how little time is really left at this point. The next time we leave that hospital, it will be with our baby boy in tow (please God, let it be so!). I mean, wow.
My husband also installed the car-seat base in my car this week, which is another undeniable sign of how close we are getting. Every time I glance back there, I get a little teary thinking there might actually be a baby in there in just a couple more weeks. I still can't believe it (I know I keep saying that same thing, but it's true!).
I have only six days left at work. SIX days. Holy shit. I am simultaneously thrilled (it's like gearing up for summer vacation, only 10 billion times better) and stressed (how can I possibly get everything done in only six days?). More thrilled than stressed at this point. It will be fine, with or without me. I was very thankful, however, for a good post-evaluation meeting this week in which my administrator was very kind to say they really hoped I'd back, that they are so happy they hired me, etc. You rarely hear things like that in teaching, and I know it will help me not feel so negative about returning to work in March. It was good timing too, because it gave me a boost when I have been feeling SO drained and negative about my job lately. I'm ready to get out of there for a while.
I know there is more to update on, so maybe I'll do the good ol' generic kind, just so I can get it all recorded for posterity's sake (and I'm sure most of you stopped reading long ago... sorry this is all so boring!):
How Far Along?: 37 weeks, 3 days
Symptoms:
- emotional, weepy
- exhuasted
- peeing 500 times a day
- emotional
- forgetful (I keep forgetting what word I'm looking for, which is embarrassing)
- needing to nest (get every single thing in order, especially in the nursery)
- feeling stressed/anxious
- nausea, usually in the mornings after breakfast
- hating on toothpaste (I so hope this goes away after he's born)
- hungry
- emotional
- emotional
- and emotional
Cravings: smoothies, ice cream, comfort foods, Thanksgiving dinnner (I seriously can't wait), good coffee (I can't wait for that either), Dragon's Milk (my favorite beer in the universe)
Aversions: toothpaste
Movement:Yes, pretty regularly, which is a blessing for this anxious mama's mind. Also, I am really going to miss his hiccups. I love them more than anything. I can tell when he is pressing on my bladder too (his feet or knees are down there, after all... thanks to his breech position), so that can be fun. Still, I have NEVER once even wanted to complain about any discomfort. I love it all and welcome it with open arms!
Other happenings with my body: Still struggle with constipation, but Metamucil is helping that a lot. I have some pain in my lower back on the right side (where he prefers to hang out), but it's manageable. Belly keeps growing, but so far no stretch marks (knock on wood). I do have lots of itchiness on my legs and feet, and but that's not really pregnancy related: I have psoriasis/eczema, so it's the norm for me. Still annoying though!
Weight: I had gained about 26 pounds as of 1.5 weeks ago, but then that went down to 23 as of this week. So somewhere in that range.
Rings: Still on. No swelling.
Belly Button: I don't even know how to describe it. For a long time, it looked like the mouth of a balloon after it's been blown up and tied, if you can picture that. It's pushed out but not popped, if that makes sense? It looks like a little mound, but it's not fully popped out at this point. It's pretty weird looking and Phil and I both play with it more than is probably normal.
Stretch Marks: None that I can see, but my mom told me she never thought she had any either until she could finally see the underside of her belly again, and she did have a few hiding down there, so who knows...
Sleep: Some nights I sleep great, other nights I sleep horribly. Overall, it's not too bad though. I do love sleeping in on the weekends though, and need to really enjoy that because there are only 2 Saturdays left where I will get to enjoy that luxury. :)
Best Moment(s) of the Week: Every moment where I feel him move, getting complimented at my evaluation meeting, eating ice cream, having my final baby shower last Saturday put on by coworkers (it was really nice).
Looking Ahead: Thinking about finally meeting our baby in 13 days! Then worrying about healing from the c-section. I don't like to sit still for very long.
In Other News: I am praying so hard and so often for some of my dear IF/RPL sisters who are in various stages of either hoping or hurting. I want to make everything work out the way it should, and yet I know all I can do is pray for you and support you with my love from afar. This journey can be the biggest bitch sometimes, and that's when we really need to be there for each other the most.
Pictures: Here are a few recent ones from our last shower, etc.
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| Belly will not be sharing a bed with the baby, but I think she'd like to. Also, I swear I 'm working on these giant mounds of baby laundry! |
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| I can't wait to actually use some of these ridiculously cute clothes on our baby boy. :) |
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| I look scary and make-up free, but I like how I'm using my belly as a tray these days. Never thought I'd reach that point in a pregnancy. |
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| Not too much longer and Charlie won't be coming to work with me anymore. |
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| Looking huge at 37 weeks. |
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| A close-up of my sweet baby boy. |
Monday, November 5, 2012
"We don't worry about it until 36 weeks..."
Well, I had my 36 week appointment today and overall it was great. I should preface this by saying that yesterday was NOT such a great day. Baby boy was having another "lazy" day and throughout the afternoon I got more and more worried that something was wrong (How many times must I put myself through this, you might ask? Apparently, many times), and after drinking hot chocolate, followed by ice water, followed by laying on my side for a while with an ice pack on the baby (usually gets a good response), I finally told Phil I couldn't sit here and stare at my belly anymore. So, off to the hospital we went, as it was Sunday and I wanted an NST to assure me all was well. On a side note, I'm actually surprised this was only our 2nd hospital trip during this entire pregnancy (the first one was at 16 weeks during our UP trip, when we couldn't pick up a heartbeat on the doppler). Luckily, both appointments proved to be unnecessary, as both times he was perfectly fine (just being shy or lazy, as he is prone to do from time to time).
Pretty much as soon as they strapped me in for the NST yesterday, he started moving like crazy. It was embarrassing on some level (clearly, things were fine), and yet mostly I was just relieved and happy that he really was ok. And the NST was very reassuring too. He passed with flying colors! And the nurses were SO nice and so reassuring that it is always better safe than sorry with these things, which is my mentality as well.
So anyway, back to today. We had a bio-physical profile (I think that's what they're called?) ultrasound to check various aspects of the baby's well-being. Again, he did great, and that makes me feel SO thankful! He was practice breathing like he should be, moving around lots (I made sure to drink a big apple juice on my way to the office), and his heart, kidneys, etc all looked good too. My fluid levels still look great, which was also reassuring. The only problem was that once again we could NOT get a good shot of his sweet little face, as he had his feet and hands up in front of his face. Actually, he was playing with this feet using his hands, which is so stinkin' cute. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what he really looks like in another month.
Oh yeah! He also apparently has LOTS of hair, which I love. :) She showed it to us on the screen, and while it just looked like white fluff to me, I'll take her work for it that it's really hair on his head.
That's all the good news. The not-so-great news is that baby is in the Frank Breech position... STILL... where I swear he has been stuck since our 27 week ultrasound. I already knew this, as I can feel his head now and it's always in the same place. But right along, they just kept saying "We don't really worry about this until 36 weeks." Well, suddenly here we are! And now my Dr. flat out says he doesn't think it's likely he's going to flip the right way. He has various reasons for this belief, and I tend to agree with him, as baby has very stubbornly stayed head-up for so long now. What this means is that we're now talking very seriously about a c-section. He went through all of our other options, but I think we agree that I'm not willing to take any of the risks involved with trying to manually flip him OR trying to deliver him vaginally despite his backwards position. I just want him to get here safely, and if that means doing a c-section, I think I'll be ok with it. It's not my first choice, obviously, but I'm really trying to be ok with it... b/c honestly, what choice do I have?
And really, either way, this baby will be here in less than a month, and that is all that matters! And he could still flip, right? That's what I'm praying for, but if it doesn't happen, I just pray he gets here safe and healthy. Still, it's a bit weird to think about choosing a date to schedule the birth of my child. Just put it on the calendar. :)
Pretty much as soon as they strapped me in for the NST yesterday, he started moving like crazy. It was embarrassing on some level (clearly, things were fine), and yet mostly I was just relieved and happy that he really was ok. And the NST was very reassuring too. He passed with flying colors! And the nurses were SO nice and so reassuring that it is always better safe than sorry with these things, which is my mentality as well.
So anyway, back to today. We had a bio-physical profile (I think that's what they're called?) ultrasound to check various aspects of the baby's well-being. Again, he did great, and that makes me feel SO thankful! He was practice breathing like he should be, moving around lots (I made sure to drink a big apple juice on my way to the office), and his heart, kidneys, etc all looked good too. My fluid levels still look great, which was also reassuring. The only problem was that once again we could NOT get a good shot of his sweet little face, as he had his feet and hands up in front of his face. Actually, he was playing with this feet using his hands, which is so stinkin' cute. I guess we'll just have to wait to see what he really looks like in another month.
Oh yeah! He also apparently has LOTS of hair, which I love. :) She showed it to us on the screen, and while it just looked like white fluff to me, I'll take her work for it that it's really hair on his head.
That's all the good news. The not-so-great news is that baby is in the Frank Breech position... STILL... where I swear he has been stuck since our 27 week ultrasound. I already knew this, as I can feel his head now and it's always in the same place. But right along, they just kept saying "We don't really worry about this until 36 weeks." Well, suddenly here we are! And now my Dr. flat out says he doesn't think it's likely he's going to flip the right way. He has various reasons for this belief, and I tend to agree with him, as baby has very stubbornly stayed head-up for so long now. What this means is that we're now talking very seriously about a c-section. He went through all of our other options, but I think we agree that I'm not willing to take any of the risks involved with trying to manually flip him OR trying to deliver him vaginally despite his backwards position. I just want him to get here safely, and if that means doing a c-section, I think I'll be ok with it. It's not my first choice, obviously, but I'm really trying to be ok with it... b/c honestly, what choice do I have?
And really, either way, this baby will be here in less than a month, and that is all that matters! And he could still flip, right? That's what I'm praying for, but if it doesn't happen, I just pray he gets here safe and healthy. Still, it's a bit weird to think about choosing a date to schedule the birth of my child. Just put it on the calendar. :)
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
35 weeks
I have wanted to write for so long, and yet just as I expected, October went and got insanely busy and is now somehow almost over. This month was CRAZY, and I am exhausted in a way I didn't even know was possible. I'll try to recap a bit on all that has happened since my last post:
I am seeing my OB every week now for an NST, and then have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, right around 36 weeks. I requested the ultrasound, as I'd like to check fluid levels, the size of the baby, and of course his position (praying SO hard he flips to the right position and SOON!), and luckily my doctor agreed to have it done. I haven't seen the baby since 27 weeks, and I'm both excited and nervous. I hope it's reassuring and not the opposite, so I can just enjoy this last month until he gets here.
Finally, I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I'll include a few from the showers, and some random belly shots from the last month or so too:
- A few weeks ago we had a lovely little baby shower here in town put on by someone I have grown close to since moving back home a little over a year ago. It was small and intimate and perfect. My favorite part was that this friend lead a ritual called "The Blessing Way" in which everyone was asked to bring a bead and some wisdom to share. The women went around in a circle and explained why they picked the bead they did, and then shared how they knew me, as well as their advice for my future as a mom. This collection of beads was then strung onto a necklace, with the idea being that I can take it into labor with me and in that way have each of those women present with me and supporting me through that process. It was so meaningful to hear what they all had to say, and I know that necklace will be a huge comfort to me in the weeks ahead.
- Less than a week later we headed downstate for my brother's kidney transplant at the U of M hospital in Ann Arbor. It was an emotional, but good weekend, as things went well. He is now home recovering, as is his dear friend who donated her kidney to my brother. It is just such a miracle, and yet it has been an overwhelming couple of years for my family as my mom just went through this same process only 14 months ago at the Mayo Clinic. I think we are all relieved to have the transplants over and done with, and are now hoping for many years of healthy kidney function for both my mom and brother.
- In the midst of these two events, I also had 2 weeks of parent-teacher conferences, since I am working at 2 different schools this year. They went well, as they always do, and yet I still don't feel caught up from how draining those 12+ hour days can be. I also had my first evaluation/formal observation of the year at work, which is always a bit stressful. And since I'm leaving for 12 weeks here pretty soon, they want to do my other one ASAP. Fun, fun. I am SO ready for some time away from school! I love my job and all, but it is just so draining at times.
- Last week we also had two night classes related to this baby, which is still pretty surreal to me. Is this really happening? All signs point to "yes." On Tuesday night we had a "Baby Care" class in which we spent 3.5 hours learning things that to me seem to be common sense, and yet it was a good refresher (I worked all through college in an infant room at a daycare center, so I have the diaper changing bit down pat :). I get anxious before things like this because I always assume I will feel like a weirdo around "normal" pregnant women, or that I will be jealous of their easy joy and naivete, but actually it wasn't that bad. The couple who sat next to us were actually not even pregnant, but rather were awaiting their first adopted baby girl. That really touched me, and made me realize I really have a lot to be thankful for (so should shut down my pity-party once in a while). They were a wonderful couple, and they ALMOST made up for the completely ridiculous and inappropriate couple next to them who made continuous crude jokes and annoying commentary on everything the instructor said. For example, the man's favorite joke seemed to be about the baby dying if we didn't do things the right way... as in his response to the instructor asking, "What happens if the car seat isn't installed correctly?" His "hilarious" reply to that was "Oh, the baby dies, obviously." Apparently babies dying is something so foreign to some people that they can joke about it? It made me sick. And that wasn't the only time he used that line. I wanted to tell him to shut the "eff" up, that his joke was NOT the least bit funny and that sometimes babies really do die, but I let the awkward silence from the rest of us speak for itself. What an a-hole. I wasn't the only one in the room who didn't appreciate those jokes.
- The next night we went to a private birthing class, that was just the two of us with one nurse. That was MUCH better for someone like me, as I didn't have to worry about anyone else that night. We could ask all the questions we wanted, and it was just far more comfortable. We left with a somewhat better idea of what to expect from labor and delivery, though to be honest it all still seems like a reality that won't ever really happen for me. Also, I'm feeling more and more certain this little dude is going to stay breech, which is how he's been the entire pregnancy so far as I know, which means a vaginal birth complete with lots of pushing, breathing exercises, etc. might not be in the stars for me. I really do not want a c-section, but in the end I guess I don't really care HOW he gets here, so long has he gets here and is healthy.
- Then, last weekend we headed BACK down state, only this time it was for another baby shower. This one was put on by two of my good friends and was in Lansing, where I lived for the 11 years prior to moving back to my hometown. It was again really nice, though slightly overwhelming to finally see so many people I have missed for so long, and yet not really have enough to time to catch up with any of them. We were so blessed though by the many wonderful gifts and kind words spoken. And it was nice to get back to my other "hometown," our church (where Phil and I met), and to catch up with some of our long-lost friends. I also got to check in on my brother, which was a bonus.
I am seeing my OB every week now for an NST, and then have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, right around 36 weeks. I requested the ultrasound, as I'd like to check fluid levels, the size of the baby, and of course his position (praying SO hard he flips to the right position and SOON!), and luckily my doctor agreed to have it done. I haven't seen the baby since 27 weeks, and I'm both excited and nervous. I hope it's reassuring and not the opposite, so I can just enjoy this last month until he gets here.
Finally, I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I'll include a few from the showers, and some random belly shots from the last month or so too:
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| At shower number one with some ladies I love so much! |
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| Doing the bead activity. P.S. I look like a whale, but it's cool. |
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| Baby boy's snowsuit, from my mom. :) |
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| I think this was 33 weeks? |
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| At shower number two, with the two hosts. |
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| The gift that makes me laugh the hardest: The hands-free breast pump contraption that comes with a picture of a woman using her computer while pumping. My friend pictured here picked it out at first as a joke, then looked down and saw it was actually on my registry. I love it. :) Actually, I'm sure it will come in really handy! |
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| I have LOVED SkippyJon Jones since before my TTC days, because #1 it's about a siamese cat that looks my own kitty, and #2 it's a cat that wants to be a chihuahua AND speaks Spanish. So awesome. I can't read to read the books that go with this stuffed animal to my little man (who I WILL be teaching Spanish to). |
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| Friends from Mason, where I taught for the first 5 years of my career. I love them all so much! Also pictured is my dear friend's miracle IVF baby. We supported each other so much through our years of IF and TTC, and seeing that baby girl just makes me cry every time! She's so perfect. |
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| Taken just this morning at 35 weeks. |
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Life Lately
Well, life has gotten crazy busy and the weeks continue to fly by. I have school to thank for that, and despite my frustration at how insane my job has been lately, I really am grateful for the distraction. And for the kids. If all I had to do was TEACH, I would love my job. But it's all of the additional baggage that comes along with this profession that starts to weigh me down. However, this blog isn't about it teaching, so I'll skip all of that for now.
I have had some really good days lately where I honestly feel a peace about this pregnancy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have days like that during these 40 weeks of waiting, so when it happens I am extremely thankful. We've reached 32.5 weeks (will be 33 weeks on Tuesday, but I start to get ahead of myself on the weekends and just start jumping ahead to the next week of pregnancy). Impatient much? Yes. It's nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that in 1.5 months we could be (will be?) meeting our baby boy. I think my husband and I have been living in the day-to-day, just stick to what we need to know THIS week mentality for so long that suddenly we're feeling a little overwhelmed by all that really needs to get done. We have not thought about labor or birth or breastfeeding or bringing this baby home, because, well, it just seemed too good to be true and like always, I was scared to jinx us. But it's getting harder and harder to hide my head in the sand. One way or another, I WILL be delivering this baby. Do I still have crippling fears that he will be born asleep, or that something will be seriously wrong with him? Unfortunately, yes. But I also have moments where I dare to let myself imagine the alternative: That he will be born perfectly healthy and pink and screaming, and that a couple of days later he will be here in this house, actually sleeping in that empty crib upstairs. It honestly feels like someone else's life. Me, with a baby? In my house? In my arms? It's been a pipe dream for over 3 years now, and one I truly convinced myself would never come to fruition. So yeah, it's hard to get my head around the reality that this might really be happening.
My anxiety levels have been helped by the fact that this baby is clearly growing. I feel like suddenly my belly is no longer "cute", but has instead jumped up to "huge and awkward looking". I'm starting to wonder what 7 more weeks is going to do to this body, and I'm excited to find out. I want him to grow big and healthy and strong. I hope he's close to 10 lbs. like his mama was. :) (I know I could regret saying that). But to me, big equals healthy and sturdy, and that's what I want. Every week gives me more hope and more confidence that he might really be ok. Despite my recurring nightmares (and I have some weird ones) where he will suddenly kick his way out of my stomach (through the skin, not through the birth canal), or be born a cyclops with one eye that sometimes morphs into two eyes (weirdest one yet, but I STILL thought he was cute :), I mostly feel confident about the fact that he his hanging on in there and continuing to grow as he should. He still has slow days, but what helps is that he now gets the hiccups at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day, so even if he's not kicking around like a maniac, I know he's still alive and practicing his breathing, and that helps put my mind at ease. Actually, his hiccups are by far my favorite thing in the world right now. They are just so cute, and I can't wait to see them in real life after he's born.
There's a sweet story about his hiccups that I want to record, because otherwise I might forget it. Earlier this week, while I was teaching one of my high school classes, he started hiccuping while I was standing in front of the class talking to my students. I was holding my hand on my low belly, where I could feel the little rhythmic pulses, and one my sweet students asked if he was kicking. I should explain that this is my one class that is OBSESSED with this baby. They ask about him every day: "Do you have a name yet? What does it feel like to be pregnant? Are you tired? Is he kicking? Will you teach him Spanish?" And on and on. They have had debates about what I should name him, and have talked about pooling their money together to buy him some Jordans (tennis shoes), which I think is adorable.
Anyway, when the student asked if he was kicking, I told her "No, but he's got the hiccups." She said she'd never felt a baby move before, so I asked if she wanted to feel his little hiccups. She was so excited, and when she felt it, she literally freaked out. She jumped back and screamed "I felt it!!!! Oh my gosh!!" This started a minor uproar as various other kids then wanted to feel it, and suddenly I had multiple teenage hands on my belly. Ha! It was ridiculous and more than a little awkward, but also such a sweet moment. This class allows me to act like and even feel like a "normal" pregnant gal for 70 minutes a day. They don't know my history, and they know nothing of my real fears and anxieties. They only know that I am pregnant with a baby boy, and they all assume he will be born in December with no problems. I think it's good for me. It's at least a small glimpse into what this is really supposed to be like. Leave it to kids to keep things simple and fun. And that's why I LOVE my job, even if the politics and overwhelming expectations sometimes overshadow the whole purpose of what I do. I need to just focus on the kids and not let the rest get to me.
A few other odds and ends going on these days:
I have had some really good days lately where I honestly feel a peace about this pregnancy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have days like that during these 40 weeks of waiting, so when it happens I am extremely thankful. We've reached 32.5 weeks (will be 33 weeks on Tuesday, but I start to get ahead of myself on the weekends and just start jumping ahead to the next week of pregnancy). Impatient much? Yes. It's nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that in 1.5 months we could be (will be?) meeting our baby boy. I think my husband and I have been living in the day-to-day, just stick to what we need to know THIS week mentality for so long that suddenly we're feeling a little overwhelmed by all that really needs to get done. We have not thought about labor or birth or breastfeeding or bringing this baby home, because, well, it just seemed too good to be true and like always, I was scared to jinx us. But it's getting harder and harder to hide my head in the sand. One way or another, I WILL be delivering this baby. Do I still have crippling fears that he will be born asleep, or that something will be seriously wrong with him? Unfortunately, yes. But I also have moments where I dare to let myself imagine the alternative: That he will be born perfectly healthy and pink and screaming, and that a couple of days later he will be here in this house, actually sleeping in that empty crib upstairs. It honestly feels like someone else's life. Me, with a baby? In my house? In my arms? It's been a pipe dream for over 3 years now, and one I truly convinced myself would never come to fruition. So yeah, it's hard to get my head around the reality that this might really be happening.
My anxiety levels have been helped by the fact that this baby is clearly growing. I feel like suddenly my belly is no longer "cute", but has instead jumped up to "huge and awkward looking". I'm starting to wonder what 7 more weeks is going to do to this body, and I'm excited to find out. I want him to grow big and healthy and strong. I hope he's close to 10 lbs. like his mama was. :) (I know I could regret saying that). But to me, big equals healthy and sturdy, and that's what I want. Every week gives me more hope and more confidence that he might really be ok. Despite my recurring nightmares (and I have some weird ones) where he will suddenly kick his way out of my stomach (through the skin, not through the birth canal), or be born a cyclops with one eye that sometimes morphs into two eyes (weirdest one yet, but I STILL thought he was cute :), I mostly feel confident about the fact that he his hanging on in there and continuing to grow as he should. He still has slow days, but what helps is that he now gets the hiccups at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day, so even if he's not kicking around like a maniac, I know he's still alive and practicing his breathing, and that helps put my mind at ease. Actually, his hiccups are by far my favorite thing in the world right now. They are just so cute, and I can't wait to see them in real life after he's born.
There's a sweet story about his hiccups that I want to record, because otherwise I might forget it. Earlier this week, while I was teaching one of my high school classes, he started hiccuping while I was standing in front of the class talking to my students. I was holding my hand on my low belly, where I could feel the little rhythmic pulses, and one my sweet students asked if he was kicking. I should explain that this is my one class that is OBSESSED with this baby. They ask about him every day: "Do you have a name yet? What does it feel like to be pregnant? Are you tired? Is he kicking? Will you teach him Spanish?" And on and on. They have had debates about what I should name him, and have talked about pooling their money together to buy him some Jordans (tennis shoes), which I think is adorable.
Anyway, when the student asked if he was kicking, I told her "No, but he's got the hiccups." She said she'd never felt a baby move before, so I asked if she wanted to feel his little hiccups. She was so excited, and when she felt it, she literally freaked out. She jumped back and screamed "I felt it!!!! Oh my gosh!!" This started a minor uproar as various other kids then wanted to feel it, and suddenly I had multiple teenage hands on my belly. Ha! It was ridiculous and more than a little awkward, but also such a sweet moment. This class allows me to act like and even feel like a "normal" pregnant gal for 70 minutes a day. They don't know my history, and they know nothing of my real fears and anxieties. They only know that I am pregnant with a baby boy, and they all assume he will be born in December with no problems. I think it's good for me. It's at least a small glimpse into what this is really supposed to be like. Leave it to kids to keep things simple and fun. And that's why I LOVE my job, even if the politics and overwhelming expectations sometimes overshadow the whole purpose of what I do. I need to just focus on the kids and not let the rest get to me.
A few other odds and ends going on these days:
- I have my first baby shower TODAY (eek) here in town, and I am both excited and terrified. It will be a small one, which I think is what I need. I'm not looking forward to being the center of attention, but I AM looking forward to celebrating this baby boy because he deserves that. He's dealt with a lot of my fears and insecurities throughout the last 7 months or so, and it's time for him to start being more celebrated. Of course in the back of my mind, I still have the nagging fear that something is bound to go wrong right after this shower, because that's just how I would expect the dark irony of my history to work out (things always went wrong just when I thought they were starting to go well and would let my guard down).
- My next OB appointment is Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. While the last 2 weeks have flown by, they also seem to have lasted forever in some ways. I think it's just wanting the reassurance that I am measuring ok, that his heart rate is ok (though I do still check with the doppler on my own too), and that I don't have a UTI or anything of the sort brewing. The appointment is with my original OB, but I feel ok about that. I may even go by myself, because I have some rather awkward questions to ask (regarding constipation, amongst other lovely topics). Of course if things don't go well with him and he's rude to me, I may be done for good with this doc. I'm hoping that's not the case!
- While I am feeling pretty good overall and am still taking walks every day (I hope I can continue this through the end... is that unrealistic?), in some ways I feel like the first trimester is coming back to haunt to me now in this final stretch. Brushing my teeth has made me want to throw up pretty much from the start, but lately it has gotten pretty bad in the mornings. After I brush my teeth, I pretty much want to throw up on my entire ride to school, and only feel better once I eat something else to get the taste of toothpaste out of my mouth. I only brush my teeth twice a day now because of this, and this is coming from the girl who used to get made fun of for brushing her teeth so much (after every time I ate, or drank something acidic). I do look forward to the day when maintaining good dental hygiene no longer makes me want to curl up and die. That will be nice. Oh, and flossing is no walk in the park either. I pretty much spit out mouthfuls of blood for a good 10 minutes after flossing, due to my gums being so dang sensitive these days. This is normal, I know, but not the most pleasant experience to have.
- I am not complaining! I'll take nausea and bleeding gums for the rest of my life, as long as I get to keep this baby boy. It's a small price to pay.
- Also going along with first trimester fun, I seem to be having issues making myself eat enough fruits and veggies again, which is usually a main part of my diet. What is going on? I can hardly make myself eat the berries I usually LOVE, and don't really eat raw veggies lately either. No es bueno. I know it's important to get plenty of these foods, so I need to figure something out. Maybe buy a juicer?
- I'm starting to feel like my maternity shirts are not going to get me through the end of this pregnancy. Shouldn't they be big enough to keep you covered, even when you're nice and HUGE? I worry b/c I know I still have a ways to go, and yet many of the shirts I've been wearing seem to barely cover me all the way down to my pants. Granted, I have a very long torso to begin with, so add in a big, round belly and it's pretty awkward, but I am starting to kind of worry about what I'll be able to wear to work in the final weeks. Again, this is a problem I THRILLED to have, so don't read this as complaining! I just think these maternity shirts should be made to fit through the very end.
- My brother is getting a kidney transplant this upcoming Friday, October 19th. This is very exciting, but also a little scary. If you're the praying type, please pray that his body would accept this kidney right away, with no complications. My brother has had bad luck most of his life, and in this instance he really needs things to go well. I just want it to work, so he can start feeling healthy again. He so deserves that. I'm taking Friday off school to be there with my family (his surgery is downstate) that weekend. Please pray also for his donor, a good friend of his, as she is making a huge sacrifice in giving him this gift. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for her, and that she would just be so blessed by this experience. If only all people were so generous! Myself included. What a gift of life. I hope to one day be able to give one my kidneys to someone who needs it as well. We only need one, after all.
- I mentioned the constipation issue above, and I won't go into details because nobody wants to read them, but this has become a real problem for me. As in, going to the bathroom often results in crying, sweating, swearing and a good 20 minutes spent in the bathroom. And the entire time I am so worried that I am literally going to push my baby out due to how hard I have to work. It's horrible. I hate it. I have to figure something out, because I'm starting to avoid going all together. Again, no es bueno. Sorry for the visuals and the TMI! I said I wouldn't go into details, and then I did. Is nothing sacred anymore?
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| 32 weeks |
Sunday, September 30, 2012
When will the bitterness go away?
"We like our first kid so much we decided to have another... in April!"
I just saw this comment on facebook, posted by someone I used to be really close with in college. We had a lot in common then, after studying abroad together in Spain during our junior year. Now, it seems, we have very little still in common. She is yet another reminder to me of what I am not, and of what I don't have. Her first child, an adorable son, was born around the same time our first baby would come into the world: the summer of 2011. She got to keep her baby, and has been living the life I wanted for myself ever since. My baby died, as did my next one. Then, I couldn't get pregnant for a long time after that.
So I read her post and instantly the sadness hits me. I don't feel happy for her. Instead, I quickly calculate how pregnant she actually is right now if the baby is due in April, and I realize she must be about 8 weeks along. 8 weeks! And she is already confident enough to post the news for all the world to see. 8 weeks and already this baby is a sure thing in her life, already a child she can start planning for. It makes me cry.
Please don't misunderstand me; I am so incredibly thankful for the little life growing away inside of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything. But I still struggle so much with the anger and bitterness and jealousy that instantly surfaces when I'm faced with all that I've lost. It's not even just the first 2 babies I wanted SO badly: It's also the innocence and confidence in my body that was shattered in that first moment I realized the sweet baby on the ultrasound screen no longer had a heartbeat. It's the joy in how amazing pregnancy can be that I barely notice now that I am instead constantly battling the crippling fear that this baby will be ripped away from just like the first 2. It's how horrible I feel about myself in these moments when I realize I can no longer feel happy for friends of mine as they become moms so easily. It's feeling like I'm outside of a club I want desperately to be a part of.
I asked my husband if these dark feelings would ever go away. Will I struggle less with pregnancy announcements once my own baby is here? Will I once again find joy in seeing other babies, without feeling the ache of my own that were lost? Will I ever stop comparing where I "should be" with where I actually am? I'm sure it will be less of an issue if and once I have my baby boy to focus on, but I do wonder if I'll ever fully heal from the deep damage that has already been done.
Part of my fear is different now: When I read posts on facebook like the one above, I realize a new fear is already weeding its way into my heart. It's the fear that maybe we'll get this baby, but that that will probably be it for us. He is an unlikely miracle, and given our track record and my crazy, dysfunctional body, I fully expect us to face difficulties again whenever we're ready to try for another baby. It feels selfish to even say this, as I know how insanely lucky I am to even have THIS baby, but honestly I can't help it. When friends post about their 2nd (and now even 3rd) pregnancies and I see how EASY things have been for them, my heart already feels broken when I think that we'll most likely have to go through the same heartache all over again if we ever hope to conceive again. I just want what they have, and yet I know that's ridiculous. This is my own journey, not theirs, and I need to stop comparing. So my other friend from downstate who just announced they are having their THIRD baby girl, by "accident" after getting pregnant right before her husband was scheduled for his vasectomy? That's not me, and I need to just let the bitterness go. Instead of saying, "Gee, it must be SO hard to be so damn fertile that you "accidentally" get pregnant when it's not convenient to you," I should be saying, "That's not my life and that's ok." I have a lot to be thankful for and should focus on that!
Still, it's so hard sometimes. I'll never understand why it gets to be so easy for some, and yet has to be so impossibly difficult for so many others.
I just saw this comment on facebook, posted by someone I used to be really close with in college. We had a lot in common then, after studying abroad together in Spain during our junior year. Now, it seems, we have very little still in common. She is yet another reminder to me of what I am not, and of what I don't have. Her first child, an adorable son, was born around the same time our first baby would come into the world: the summer of 2011. She got to keep her baby, and has been living the life I wanted for myself ever since. My baby died, as did my next one. Then, I couldn't get pregnant for a long time after that.
So I read her post and instantly the sadness hits me. I don't feel happy for her. Instead, I quickly calculate how pregnant she actually is right now if the baby is due in April, and I realize she must be about 8 weeks along. 8 weeks! And she is already confident enough to post the news for all the world to see. 8 weeks and already this baby is a sure thing in her life, already a child she can start planning for. It makes me cry.
Please don't misunderstand me; I am so incredibly thankful for the little life growing away inside of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything. But I still struggle so much with the anger and bitterness and jealousy that instantly surfaces when I'm faced with all that I've lost. It's not even just the first 2 babies I wanted SO badly: It's also the innocence and confidence in my body that was shattered in that first moment I realized the sweet baby on the ultrasound screen no longer had a heartbeat. It's the joy in how amazing pregnancy can be that I barely notice now that I am instead constantly battling the crippling fear that this baby will be ripped away from just like the first 2. It's how horrible I feel about myself in these moments when I realize I can no longer feel happy for friends of mine as they become moms so easily. It's feeling like I'm outside of a club I want desperately to be a part of.
I asked my husband if these dark feelings would ever go away. Will I struggle less with pregnancy announcements once my own baby is here? Will I once again find joy in seeing other babies, without feeling the ache of my own that were lost? Will I ever stop comparing where I "should be" with where I actually am? I'm sure it will be less of an issue if and once I have my baby boy to focus on, but I do wonder if I'll ever fully heal from the deep damage that has already been done.
Part of my fear is different now: When I read posts on facebook like the one above, I realize a new fear is already weeding its way into my heart. It's the fear that maybe we'll get this baby, but that that will probably be it for us. He is an unlikely miracle, and given our track record and my crazy, dysfunctional body, I fully expect us to face difficulties again whenever we're ready to try for another baby. It feels selfish to even say this, as I know how insanely lucky I am to even have THIS baby, but honestly I can't help it. When friends post about their 2nd (and now even 3rd) pregnancies and I see how EASY things have been for them, my heart already feels broken when I think that we'll most likely have to go through the same heartache all over again if we ever hope to conceive again. I just want what they have, and yet I know that's ridiculous. This is my own journey, not theirs, and I need to stop comparing. So my other friend from downstate who just announced they are having their THIRD baby girl, by "accident" after getting pregnant right before her husband was scheduled for his vasectomy? That's not me, and I need to just let the bitterness go. Instead of saying, "Gee, it must be SO hard to be so damn fertile that you "accidentally" get pregnant when it's not convenient to you," I should be saying, "That's not my life and that's ok." I have a lot to be thankful for and should focus on that!
Still, it's so hard sometimes. I'll never understand why it gets to be so easy for some, and yet has to be so impossibly difficult for so many others.
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