Well, here I am facing the first day 2012, and wouldn't you know I am find myself in an extremely emotional state. I woke up anxious, after taking the horribly disgusting Prometrium pill at 7:30 am, only to go back to bed, where I continued to toss and turn for two hours. During those 2 hours, I think I mostly prayed to God (in other words, I pleaded with God to give us a baby), begging him to give us a chance... to please just give us a chance at being parents. This has already been a long and dreadful road. I am broken and sad and lost. I've survived (although just barely) two horrific miscarriages, which have ravaged my soul and robbed me of my faith. I struggle immensely with this issue: If God loves me, where is he in all this mess? And I have gone in circles about it for so long, that at some point I just gave up trying to understand God's role in my life. I am too scared and too scarred to pray to him anymore. He has turned me down and told me no too many times. He has left me alone to bleed out my dreams and desires without so much as a comforting touch to let me know he cares. In short, I'm not sure I feel it's worth it to pray to God for the true desires of my heart anymore. I am scared of God. And that, my friends, is a truly scary place to be.
I so want to be hopeful that 2012 will be our year. And yet, what evidence do I have that would merit such a hope? In this whole quest to have a baby, what one single thing has gone right that would lead me to believe this might all actually end well one day? There is nothing of the sort. Things don't go my way in this area, not ever. I don't just lose my babies, I lose them and then bleed for months because my body can't even do the miscarriage part correctly. I am horrible at making babies, horrible at keeping babies alive, and then I'm even horrible at expelling babies once my body has killed them. It's all very dark and gruesome, yes, but it's also true. Welcome to the heart and mind of Emily Ann Moore. It's a not a place I would ever want to spend any time, if only I had a choice in the matter. And yet, here I am, still trying to find my way through the darkness to that small glimmer of hope that one day my fate will change. And to help me get there, I will work on trying to write out my feelings as often as possible, with the hope that no one will really ever read these. I'm afraid you might want to have me committed if you did.
