35 weeks

I have wanted to write for so long, and yet just as I expected, October went and got insanely busy and is now somehow almost over. This month was CRAZY, and I am exhausted in a way I didn't even know was possible. I'll try to recap a bit on all that has happened since my last post:

• A few weeks ago we had a lovely little baby shower here in town put on by someone I have grown close to since moving back home a little over a year ago. It was small and intimate and perfect. My favorite part was that this friend lead a ritual called "The Blessing Way" in which everyone was asked to bring a bead and some wisdom to share. The women went around in a circle and explained why they picked the bead they did, and then shared how they knew me, as well as their advice for my future as a mom. This collection of beads was then strung onto a necklace, with the idea being that I can take it into labor with me and in that way have each of those women present with me and supporting me through that process. It was so meaningful to hear what they all had to say, and I know that necklace will be a huge comfort to me in the weeks ahead. 
• Less than a week later we headed downstate for my brother's kidney transplant at the U of M hospital in Ann Arbor. It was an emotional, but good weekend, as things went well. He is now home recovering, as is his dear friend who donated her kidney to my brother. It is just such a miracle, and yet it has been an overwhelming couple of years for my family as my mom just went through this same process only 14 months ago at the Mayo Clinic. I think we are all relieved to have the transplants over and done with, and are now hoping for many years of healthy kidney function for both my mom and brother.
• In the midst of these two events, I also had 2 weeks of parent-teacher conferences, since I am working at 2 different schools this year. They went well, as they always do, and yet I still don't feel caught up from how draining those 12+ hour days can be. I also had my first evaluation/formal observation of the year at work, which is always a bit stressful. And since I'm leaving for 12 weeks here pretty soon, they want to do my other one ASAP. Fun, fun. I am SO ready for some time away from school! I love my job and all, but it is just so draining at times.
• Last week we also had two night classes related to this baby, which is still pretty surreal to me. Is this really happening? All signs point to "yes." On Tuesday night we had a "Baby Care" class in which we spent 3.5 hours learning things that to me seem to be common sense, and yet it was a good refresher (I worked all through college in an infant room at a daycare center, so I have the diaper changing bit down pat :). I get anxious before things like this because I always assume I will feel like a weirdo around "normal" pregnant women, or that I will be jealous of their easy joy and naivete, but actually it wasn't that bad. The couple who sat next to us were actually not even pregnant, but rather were awaiting their first adopted baby girl. That really touched me, and made me realize I really have a lot to be thankful for (so should shut down my pity-party once in a while). They were a wonderful couple, and they ALMOST made up for the completely ridiculous and inappropriate couple next to them who made continuous crude jokes and annoying commentary on everything the instructor said. For example, the man's favorite joke seemed to be about the baby dying if we didn't do things the right way... as in his response to the instructor asking, "What happens if the car seat isn't installed correctly?" His "hilarious" reply to that was "Oh, the baby dies, obviously." Apparently babies dying is something so foreign to some people that they can joke about it? It made me sick. And that wasn't the only time he used that line. I wanted to tell him to shut the "eff" up, that his joke was NOT the least bit funny and that sometimes babies really do die, but I let the awkward silence from the rest of us speak for itself. What an a-hole. I wasn't the only one in the room who didn't appreciate those jokes.
• The next night we went to a private birthing class, that was just the two of us with one nurse. That was MUCH better for someone like me, as I didn't have to worry about anyone else that night. We could ask all the questions we wanted, and it was just far more comfortable. We left with a somewhat better idea of what to expect from labor and delivery, though to be honest it all still seems like a reality that won't ever really happen for me. Also, I'm feeling more and more certain this little dude is going to stay breech, which is how he's been the entire pregnancy so far as I know, which means a vaginal birth complete with lots of pushing, breathing exercises, etc. might not be in the stars for me. I really do not want a c-section, but in the end I guess I don't really care HOW he gets here, so long has he gets here and is healthy. 

• Then, last weekend we headed BACK down state, only this time it was for another baby shower. This one was put on by two of my good friends and was in Lansing, where I lived for the 11 years prior to moving back to my hometown. It was again really nice, though slightly overwhelming to finally see so many people I have missed for so long, and yet not really have enough to time to catch up with any of them. We were so blessed though by the many wonderful gifts and kind words spoken. And it was nice to get back to my other "hometown," our church (where Phil and I met),  and to catch up with some of our long-lost friends. I also got to check in on my brother, which was a bonus.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month. There were other things thrown in there (doctors appointments, etc.), and all-in-all it made for a very speedy few weeks (which I'm thankful for!). Somehow, now, we find ourselves at 35 weeks and in the final countdown. Only 4 more weeks of school for me, and then it's actually going to be time for this baby boy to make his appearance. It's just so surreal and still seems unfathomable to me that this is really happening. To say I'm excited does not begin to describe it, and yet right there with that excitement is my same old fear that something might go wrong. Still, I only have 5 more weeks to deal with that fear, and my hope is that it will all be proved unnecessary and that he will arrive perfect and healthy. That, to me, is a dream I never thought would come true! I am so hoping to be proven wrong on that.

I am seeing my OB every week now for an NST, and then have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, right around 36 weeks. I requested the ultrasound, as I'd like to check fluid levels, the size of the baby, and of course his position (praying SO hard he flips to the right position and SOON!), and luckily my doctor agreed to have it done. I haven't seen the baby since 27 weeks, and I'm both excited and nervous. I hope it's reassuring and not the opposite, so I can just enjoy this last month until he gets here.

Finally, I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I'll include a few from the showers, and some random belly shots from the last month or so too:

At shower number one with some ladies I love so much!

Doing the bead activity. P.S. I look like a whale, but it's cool.

Baby boy's snowsuit, from my mom. :)

I think this was 33 weeks?

At shower number two, with the two hosts.

The gift that makes me laugh the hardest: The hands-free breast pump contraption that comes with a picture of a woman using her computer while pumping. My friend pictured here picked it out at first as a joke, then looked down and saw it was actually on my registry. I love it. :) Actually, I'm sure it will come in really handy!

I have LOVED SkippyJon Jones since before my TTC days, because #1 it's about a siamese cat that looks my own kitty, and #2 it's a cat that wants to be a chihuahua AND speaks Spanish. So awesome. I can't read to read the books that go with this stuffed animal to my little man (who I WILL be teaching Spanish to).

Friends from Mason, where I taught for the first 5 years of my career. I love them all so much! Also pictured is my dear friend's miracle IVF baby. We supported each other so much through our years of IF and TTC, and seeing that baby girl just makes me cry every time! She's so perfect.

Taken just this morning at 35 weeks.

Life Lately

Well, life has gotten crazy busy and the weeks continue to fly by. I have school to thank for that, and despite my frustration at how insane my job has been lately, I really am grateful for the distraction. And for the kids. If all I had to do was TEACH, I would love my job. But it's all of the additional baggage that comes along with this profession that starts to weigh me down. However, this blog isn't about it teaching, so I'll skip all of that for now.

I have had some really good days lately where I honestly feel a peace about this pregnancy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have days like that during these 40 weeks of waiting, so when it happens I am extremely thankful. We've reached 32.5 weeks (will be 33 weeks on Tuesday, but I start to get ahead of myself on the weekends and just start jumping ahead to the next week of pregnancy). Impatient much? Yes. It's nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that in 1.5 months we could be (will be?) meeting our baby boy. I think my husband and I have been living in the day-to-day, just stick to what we need to know THIS week mentality for so long that suddenly we're feeling a little overwhelmed by all that really needs to get done. We have not thought about labor or birth or breastfeeding or bringing this baby home, because, well, it just seemed too good to be true and like always, I was scared to jinx us. But it's getting harder and harder to hide my head in the sand. One way or another, I WILL be delivering this baby. Do I still have crippling fears that he will be born asleep, or that something will be seriously wrong with him? Unfortunately, yes. But I also have moments where I dare to let myself imagine the alternative: That he will be born perfectly healthy and pink and screaming, and that a couple of days later he will be here in this house, actually sleeping in that empty crib upstairs. It honestly feels like someone else's life. Me, with a baby? In my house? In my arms? It's been a pipe dream for over 3 years now, and one I truly convinced myself would never come to fruition. So yeah, it's hard to get my head around the reality that this might really be happening.

My anxiety levels have been helped by the fact that this baby is clearly growing. I feel like suddenly my belly is no longer "cute", but has instead jumped up to "huge and awkward looking". I'm starting to wonder what 7 more weeks is going to do to this body, and I'm excited to find out. I want him to grow big and healthy and strong. I hope he's close to 10 lbs. like his mama was. :) (I know I could regret saying that). But to me, big equals healthy and sturdy, and that's what I want.  Every week gives me more hope and more confidence that he might really be ok. Despite my recurring nightmares (and I have some weird ones) where he will suddenly kick his way out of my stomach (through the skin, not through the birth canal), or be born a cyclops with one eye that sometimes morphs into two eyes (weirdest one yet, but I STILL thought he was cute :), I mostly feel confident about the fact that he his hanging on in there and continuing to grow as he should. He still has slow days, but what helps is that he now gets the hiccups at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day, so even if he's not kicking around like a maniac, I know he's still alive and practicing his breathing, and that helps put my mind at ease. Actually, his hiccups are by far my favorite thing in the world right now. They are just so cute, and I can't wait to see them in real life after he's born.

There's a sweet story about his hiccups that I want to record, because otherwise I might forget it. Earlier this week, while I was teaching one of my high school classes, he started hiccuping while I was standing in front of the class talking to my students. I was holding my hand on my low belly, where I could feel the little rhythmic pulses, and one my sweet students asked if he was kicking. I should explain that this is my one class that is OBSESSED with this baby. They ask about him every day: "Do you have a name yet? What does it feel like to be pregnant? Are you tired? Is he kicking? Will you teach him Spanish?" And on and on. They have had debates about what I should name him, and have talked about pooling their money together to buy him some Jordans (tennis shoes), which I think is adorable.

Anyway, when the student asked if he was kicking, I told her "No, but he's got the hiccups." She said she'd never felt a baby move before, so I asked if she wanted to feel his little hiccups. She was so excited, and when she felt it, she literally freaked out. She jumped back and screamed "I felt it!!!! Oh my gosh!!" This started a minor uproar as various other kids then wanted to feel it, and suddenly I had multiple teenage hands on my belly. Ha! It was ridiculous and more than a little awkward, but also such a sweet moment. This class allows me to act like and even feel like a "normal" pregnant gal for 70 minutes a day. They don't know my history, and they know nothing of my real fears and anxieties. They only know that I am pregnant with a baby boy, and they all assume he will be born in December with no problems. I think it's good for me. It's at least a small glimpse into what this is really supposed to be like. Leave it to kids to keep things simple and fun. And that's why I LOVE my job, even if the politics and overwhelming expectations sometimes overshadow the whole purpose of what I do. I need to just focus on the kids and not let the rest get to me.

A few other odds and ends going on these days:

• I have my first baby shower TODAY (eek) here in town, and I am both excited and terrified. It will be a small one, which I think is what I need. I'm not looking forward to being the center of attention, but I AM looking forward to celebrating this baby boy because he deserves that. He's dealt with a lot of my fears and insecurities throughout the last 7 months or so, and it's time for him to start being more celebrated. Of course in the back of my mind, I still have the nagging fear that something is bound to go wrong right after this shower, because that's just how I would expect the dark irony of my history to work out (things always went wrong just when I thought they were starting to go well and would let my guard down). 
• My next OB appointment is Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. While the last 2 weeks have flown by, they also seem to have lasted forever in some ways. I think it's just wanting the reassurance that I am measuring ok, that his heart rate is ok (though I do still check with the doppler on my own too), and that I don't have a UTI or anything of the sort brewing. The appointment is with my original OB, but I feel ok about that. I may even go by myself, because I have some rather awkward questions to ask (regarding constipation, amongst other lovely topics). Of course if things don't go well with him and he's rude to me, I may be done for good with this doc. I'm hoping that's not the case!
• While I am feeling pretty good overall and am still taking walks every day (I hope I can continue this through the end... is that unrealistic?), in some ways I feel like the first trimester is coming back to haunt to me now in this final stretch. Brushing my teeth has made me want to throw up pretty much from the start, but lately it has gotten pretty bad in the mornings. After I brush my teeth, I pretty much want to throw up on my entire ride to school, and only feel better once I eat something else to get the taste of toothpaste out of my mouth. I only brush my teeth twice a day now because of this, and this is coming from the girl who used to get made fun of for brushing her teeth so much (after every time I ate, or drank something acidic). I do look forward to the day when maintaining good dental hygiene no longer makes me want to curl up and die. That will be nice. Oh, and flossing is no walk in the park either. I pretty much spit out mouthfuls of blood for a good 10 minutes after flossing, due to my gums being so dang sensitive these days. This is normal, I know, but not the most pleasant experience to have. 
•  I am not complaining! I'll take nausea and bleeding gums for the rest of my life, as long as I get to keep this baby boy. It's a small price to pay.
• Also going along with first trimester fun, I seem to be having issues making myself eat enough fruits and veggies again, which is usually a main part of my diet. What is going on? I can hardly make myself eat the berries I usually LOVE, and don't really eat raw veggies lately either. No es bueno. I know it's important to get plenty of these foods, so I need to figure something out. Maybe buy a juicer? 
• I'm starting to feel like my maternity shirts are not going to get me through the end of this pregnancy. Shouldn't they be big enough to keep you covered, even when you're nice and HUGE? I worry b/c I know I still have a ways to go, and yet many of the shirts I've been wearing seem to barely cover me all the way down to my pants. Granted, I have a very long torso to begin with, so add in a big, round belly and it's pretty awkward, but I am starting to kind of worry about what I'll be able to wear to work in the final weeks. Again, this is a problem I THRILLED to have, so don't read this as complaining! I just think these maternity shirts should be made to fit through the very end. 
• My brother is getting a kidney transplant this upcoming Friday, October 19th. This is very exciting, but also a little scary. If you're the praying type, please pray that his body would accept this kidney right away, with no complications. My brother has had bad luck most of his life, and in this instance he really needs things to go well. I just want it to work, so he can start feeling healthy again. He so deserves that. I'm taking Friday off school to be there with my family (his surgery is downstate) that weekend. Please pray also for his donor, a good friend of his, as she is making a huge sacrifice in giving him this gift. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for her, and that she would just be so blessed by this experience. If only all people were so generous! Myself included. What a gift of life. I hope to one day be able to give one my kidneys to someone who needs it as well. We only need one, after all.
• I mentioned the constipation issue above, and I won't go into details because nobody wants to read them, but this has become a real problem for me. As in, going to the bathroom often results in crying, sweating, swearing and a good 20 minutes spent in the bathroom. And the entire time I am so worried that I am literally going to push my baby out due to how hard I have to work. It's horrible. I hate it. I have to figure something out, because I'm starting to avoid going all together. Again, no es bueno. Sorry for the visuals and the TMI! I said I wouldn't go into details, and then I did. Is nothing sacred anymore?

 And with that I will close with a few recent pictures:

32 weeks