Life Lately

Well, life has gotten crazy busy and the weeks continue to fly by. I have school to thank for that, and despite my frustration at how insane my job has been lately, I really am grateful for the distraction. And for the kids. If all I had to do was TEACH, I would love my job. But it's all of the additional baggage that comes along with this profession that starts to weigh me down. However, this blog isn't about it teaching, so I'll skip all of that for now.

I have had some really good days lately where I honestly feel a peace about this pregnancy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have days like that during these 40 weeks of waiting, so when it happens I am extremely thankful. We've reached 32.5 weeks (will be 33 weeks on Tuesday, but I start to get ahead of myself on the weekends and just start jumping ahead to the next week of pregnancy). Impatient much? Yes. It's nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that in 1.5 months we could be (will be?) meeting our baby boy. I think my husband and I have been living in the day-to-day, just stick to what we need to know THIS week mentality for so long that suddenly we're feeling a little overwhelmed by all that really needs to get done. We have not thought about labor or birth or breastfeeding or bringing this baby home, because, well, it just seemed too good to be true and like always, I was scared to jinx us. But it's getting harder and harder to hide my head in the sand. One way or another, I WILL be delivering this baby. Do I still have crippling fears that he will be born asleep, or that something will be seriously wrong with him? Unfortunately, yes. But I also have moments where I dare to let myself imagine the alternative: That he will be born perfectly healthy and pink and screaming, and that a couple of days later he will be here in this house, actually sleeping in that empty crib upstairs. It honestly feels like someone else's life. Me, with a baby? In my house? In my arms? It's been a pipe dream for over 3 years now, and one I truly convinced myself would never come to fruition. So yeah, it's hard to get my head around the reality that this might really be happening.

My anxiety levels have been helped by the fact that this baby is clearly growing. I feel like suddenly my belly is no longer "cute", but has instead jumped up to "huge and awkward looking". I'm starting to wonder what 7 more weeks is going to do to this body, and I'm excited to find out. I want him to grow big and healthy and strong. I hope he's close to 10 lbs. like his mama was. :) (I know I could regret saying that). But to me, big equals healthy and sturdy, and that's what I want.  Every week gives me more hope and more confidence that he might really be ok. Despite my recurring nightmares (and I have some weird ones) where he will suddenly kick his way out of my stomach (through the skin, not through the birth canal), or be born a cyclops with one eye that sometimes morphs into two eyes (weirdest one yet, but I STILL thought he was cute :), I mostly feel confident about the fact that he his hanging on in there and continuing to grow as he should. He still has slow days, but what helps is that he now gets the hiccups at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day, so even if he's not kicking around like a maniac, I know he's still alive and practicing his breathing, and that helps put my mind at ease. Actually, his hiccups are by far my favorite thing in the world right now. They are just so cute, and I can't wait to see them in real life after he's born.

There's a sweet story about his hiccups that I want to record, because otherwise I might forget it. Earlier this week, while I was teaching one of my high school classes, he started hiccuping while I was standing in front of the class talking to my students. I was holding my hand on my low belly, where I could feel the little rhythmic pulses, and one my sweet students asked if he was kicking. I should explain that this is my one class that is OBSESSED with this baby. They ask about him every day: "Do you have a name yet? What does it feel like to be pregnant? Are you tired? Is he kicking? Will you teach him Spanish?" And on and on. They have had debates about what I should name him, and have talked about pooling their money together to buy him some Jordans (tennis shoes), which I think is adorable.

Anyway, when the student asked if he was kicking, I told her "No, but he's got the hiccups." She said she'd never felt a baby move before, so I asked if she wanted to feel his little hiccups. She was so excited, and when she felt it, she literally freaked out. She jumped back and screamed "I felt it!!!! Oh my gosh!!" This started a minor uproar as various other kids then wanted to feel it, and suddenly I had multiple teenage hands on my belly. Ha! It was ridiculous and more than a little awkward, but also such a sweet moment. This class allows me to act like and even feel like a "normal" pregnant gal for 70 minutes a day. They don't know my history, and they know nothing of my real fears and anxieties. They only know that I am pregnant with a baby boy, and they all assume he will be born in December with no problems. I think it's good for me. It's at least a small glimpse into what this is really supposed to be like. Leave it to kids to keep things simple and fun. And that's why I LOVE my job, even if the politics and overwhelming expectations sometimes overshadow the whole purpose of what I do. I need to just focus on the kids and not let the rest get to me.

A few other odds and ends going on these days:

• I have my first baby shower TODAY (eek) here in town, and I am both excited and terrified. It will be a small one, which I think is what I need. I'm not looking forward to being the center of attention, but I AM looking forward to celebrating this baby boy because he deserves that. He's dealt with a lot of my fears and insecurities throughout the last 7 months or so, and it's time for him to start being more celebrated. Of course in the back of my mind, I still have the nagging fear that something is bound to go wrong right after this shower, because that's just how I would expect the dark irony of my history to work out (things always went wrong just when I thought they were starting to go well and would let my guard down). 
• My next OB appointment is Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. While the last 2 weeks have flown by, they also seem to have lasted forever in some ways. I think it's just wanting the reassurance that I am measuring ok, that his heart rate is ok (though I do still check with the doppler on my own too), and that I don't have a UTI or anything of the sort brewing. The appointment is with my original OB, but I feel ok about that. I may even go by myself, because I have some rather awkward questions to ask (regarding constipation, amongst other lovely topics). Of course if things don't go well with him and he's rude to me, I may be done for good with this doc. I'm hoping that's not the case!
• While I am feeling pretty good overall and am still taking walks every day (I hope I can continue this through the end... is that unrealistic?), in some ways I feel like the first trimester is coming back to haunt to me now in this final stretch. Brushing my teeth has made me want to throw up pretty much from the start, but lately it has gotten pretty bad in the mornings. After I brush my teeth, I pretty much want to throw up on my entire ride to school, and only feel better once I eat something else to get the taste of toothpaste out of my mouth. I only brush my teeth twice a day now because of this, and this is coming from the girl who used to get made fun of for brushing her teeth so much (after every time I ate, or drank something acidic). I do look forward to the day when maintaining good dental hygiene no longer makes me want to curl up and die. That will be nice. Oh, and flossing is no walk in the park either. I pretty much spit out mouthfuls of blood for a good 10 minutes after flossing, due to my gums being so dang sensitive these days. This is normal, I know, but not the most pleasant experience to have. 
•  I am not complaining! I'll take nausea and bleeding gums for the rest of my life, as long as I get to keep this baby boy. It's a small price to pay.
• Also going along with first trimester fun, I seem to be having issues making myself eat enough fruits and veggies again, which is usually a main part of my diet. What is going on? I can hardly make myself eat the berries I usually LOVE, and don't really eat raw veggies lately either. No es bueno. I know it's important to get plenty of these foods, so I need to figure something out. Maybe buy a juicer? 
• I'm starting to feel like my maternity shirts are not going to get me through the end of this pregnancy. Shouldn't they be big enough to keep you covered, even when you're nice and HUGE? I worry b/c I know I still have a ways to go, and yet many of the shirts I've been wearing seem to barely cover me all the way down to my pants. Granted, I have a very long torso to begin with, so add in a big, round belly and it's pretty awkward, but I am starting to kind of worry about what I'll be able to wear to work in the final weeks. Again, this is a problem I THRILLED to have, so don't read this as complaining! I just think these maternity shirts should be made to fit through the very end. 
• My brother is getting a kidney transplant this upcoming Friday, October 19th. This is very exciting, but also a little scary. If you're the praying type, please pray that his body would accept this kidney right away, with no complications. My brother has had bad luck most of his life, and in this instance he really needs things to go well. I just want it to work, so he can start feeling healthy again. He so deserves that. I'm taking Friday off school to be there with my family (his surgery is downstate) that weekend. Please pray also for his donor, a good friend of his, as she is making a huge sacrifice in giving him this gift. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for her, and that she would just be so blessed by this experience. If only all people were so generous! Myself included. What a gift of life. I hope to one day be able to give one my kidneys to someone who needs it as well. We only need one, after all.
• I mentioned the constipation issue above, and I won't go into details because nobody wants to read them, but this has become a real problem for me. As in, going to the bathroom often results in crying, sweating, swearing and a good 20 minutes spent in the bathroom. And the entire time I am so worried that I am literally going to push my baby out due to how hard I have to work. It's horrible. I hate it. I have to figure something out, because I'm starting to avoid going all together. Again, no es bueno. Sorry for the visuals and the TMI! I said I wouldn't go into details, and then I did. Is nothing sacred anymore?

 And with that I will close with a few recent pictures:

32 weeks