"We like our first kid so much we decided to have another... in April!"
I just saw this comment on facebook, posted by someone I used to be really close with in college. We had a lot in common then, after studying abroad together in Spain during our junior year. Now, it seems, we have very little still in common. She is yet another reminder to me of what I am not, and of what I don't have. Her first child, an adorable son, was born around the same time our first baby would come into the world: the summer of 2011. She got to keep her baby, and has been living the life I wanted for myself ever since. My baby died, as did my next one. Then, I couldn't get pregnant for a long time after that.
So I read her post and instantly the sadness hits me. I don't feel happy for her. Instead, I quickly calculate how pregnant she actually is right now if the baby is due in April, and I realize she must be about 8 weeks along. 8 weeks! And she is already confident enough to post the news for all the world to see. 8 weeks and already this baby is a sure thing in her life, already a child she can start planning for. It makes me cry.
Please don't misunderstand me; I am so incredibly thankful for the little life growing away inside of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything. But I still struggle so much with the anger and bitterness and jealousy that instantly surfaces when I'm faced with all that I've lost. It's not even just the first 2 babies I wanted SO badly: It's also the innocence and confidence in my body that was shattered in that first moment I realized the sweet baby on the ultrasound screen no longer had a heartbeat. It's the joy in how amazing pregnancy can be that I barely notice now that I am instead constantly battling the crippling fear that this baby will be ripped away from just like the first 2. It's how horrible I feel about myself in these moments when I realize I can no longer feel happy for friends of mine as they become moms so easily. It's feeling like I'm outside of a club I want desperately to be a part of.
I asked my husband if these dark feelings would ever go away. Will I struggle less with pregnancy announcements once my own baby is here? Will I once again find joy in seeing other babies, without feeling the ache of my own that were lost? Will I ever stop comparing where I "should be" with where I actually am? I'm sure it will be less of an issue if and once I have my baby boy to focus on, but I do wonder if I'll ever fully heal from the deep damage that has already been done.
Part of my fear is different now: When I read posts on facebook like the one above, I realize a new fear is already weeding its way into my heart. It's the fear that maybe we'll get this baby, but that that will probably be it for us. He is an unlikely miracle, and given our track record and my crazy, dysfunctional body, I fully expect us to face difficulties again whenever we're ready to try for another baby. It feels selfish to even say this, as I know how insanely lucky I am to even have THIS baby, but honestly I can't help it. When friends post about their 2nd (and now even 3rd) pregnancies and I see how EASY things have been for them, my heart already feels broken when I think that we'll most likely have to go through the same heartache all over again if we ever hope to conceive again. I just want what they have, and yet I know that's ridiculous. This is my own journey, not theirs, and I need to stop comparing. So my other friend from downstate who just announced they are having their THIRD baby girl, by "accident" after getting pregnant right before her husband was scheduled for his vasectomy? That's not me, and I need to just let the bitterness go. Instead of saying, "Gee, it must be SO hard to be so damn fertile that you "accidentally" get pregnant when it's not convenient to you," I should be saying, "That's not my life and that's ok." I have a lot to be thankful for and should focus on that!
Still, it's so hard sometimes. I'll never understand why it gets to be so easy for some, and yet has to be so impossibly difficult for so many others.
You aren't alone, I understand your feelings. Even being 26 weeks pregnant, I can't help but feel twinges of pain when I hear someone else 'just got pregnant'. After so much loss and struggle it is really hard to feel the appropriate feelings for those around you. I have been working on it and telling myself the same things you are and hope that I can come to a more positive place.
ReplyDeleteNo one will ever understand this kind of push and pull unless they have experienced it.
I agree with you. It is so hard to hear the confident pregnant woman speak....that has been taken from us. Ahhh to be so blissfully naive that one could announce on FB that early! That is nuts to me!
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