Sleeper days make me insane

Yesterday was not a good day. It was one of baby boy's "sleeper days", where apparently all he chooses to do is sleep... consequently causing me, his mother, to go over-the-top crazy with worry. And worry I did. A lot.

It started when I first woke up. Since it was a Saturday, I had the wonderful luxury of staying in bed and just relaxing for a while after I first woke up. Normally, this is one of my favorite things to do. I grab my Kindle and check my email or read for a bit before really getting out of bed. And NORMALLY when I do this, I am entertained by at least a few little flips, kicks or turns from the little one I like to imagine is also just waking up inside my belly. Well, yesterday I had no such luck. He didn't move. So I waited... and waited some more. Nothing. Seriously, what is WITH this kid? Finally, I pulled out the doppler and had a listen; everything was fine, at least as far as his heart rate was concerned.

The day didn't get much better from there. He just was NOT moving. I had breakfast, including a tall glass of OJ, and then lounged on the couch for a while, sure that he'd finally wake up and give me some reassurance. Nope.

Try as I might, even when I know in my mind that this is a pattern with him... that he's done this over and over, I still can't shake the fear that THIS TIME something might be wrong. I start to panic that his cord is wrapped around his neck, or that the fluid is too low. I become so desperate to just feel him move that I start to cry. My anxiety skyrockets and nothing can make me feel better, other than that eventual movement I crave so badly.

But baby boy is stubborn. And apparently extremely lazy on some days. And I hate it.

Of course, things are fine and EVENTUALLY he did start moving a bit more, but it was nothing like he is on his active days. And oh how I love his active days! I just feel like I never hear about babies acting this way in utero.... super active for a few days, and then NOTHING for a day or two. I hope it just means he's growing, but it's so hard (nearly impossible) for me to not jump to the worst case scenario when I'm in the middle of these difficult days.

Today I feel slightly guilty for the many annoyances I put my baby through yesterday, all in the attempt to try to get him to wake up and dance a bit. Here's what I subjected the poor boy to throughout the day:

1. Multiple glasses of juice or ice cold water
2. Many pokes, prods, shakes and vigorous belly rubs
3. COFFEE! Seriously, I even drank my first stinkin' cup of coffee since this pregnancy started, which I swore I would never do. :( But at least it was only half-caff, and even then it was just a half-cup mixed with lots of milk. This actually worked pretty well, but he only moved for a few minutes after I drank it, and then went back to "sleep". Stubborn, I tell you.
4. Ice pack: I put it on the hard part of my belly where I knew he was hanging out (I think it was his back or butt, not sure). This also worked pretty much immediately! He HATED the ice, and kicked it away. Ha. I felt bad after that, but it did make me feel better.
5. Ice cream (aka sugar rush mixed with cold)
6. Oh yeah, and I used the doppler a grand total of THREE times yesterday. That's a record and completely ridiculous.

I am a horrible mommy. I feel like I pretty much abused him yesterday, all to make myself feel better. :(

But yeah, yesterday was just a bad day. In the end, all seems well and today he is a bit more back to normal (though still not overly active). But man, I can't handle the stress of his quiet days anymore. I need these next 10 weeks to fly by, because as I've said before, I really just suck at being pregnant. Either that, or I need to stay busier on the weekends so I can't focus on my belly quite so much. That's a big part of the problem, I'm sure.

There's lots more to say about this last week too, and I swear I was slightly less neurotic every other day besides yesterday! I had a good appointment with the nurse-midwife on Thursday and I really like her a LOT. If she could just promise me she'd be the one on-call when I go into labor, that would be great. She was just so reassuring and kind, and she spent so much time with me. She didn't make me feel stupid for my concerns, which goes a long way in my book.

We talked about labor and delivery for the first time, as well as breastfeeding. I admitted to her that I am still in a week-by-week mode where I don't really let myself get too far ahead due to fear, but I understand that I'm going to have to get over that soon and really start thinking as if this might happen after all. And that's hard for me. She also talked to me about Lexapro and the possibility of going back on it after the baby is born, even if I am breastfeeding (which I plan to do). It was the first time someone has really made me feel like it's OK to breastfeed while on meds, and I'm so thankful for her input. She basically said that the amount of the medication that actually makes it into the breast milk is so minimal that it's not a risk at all to the baby. She told me they have countless women on SSRI's all through pregnancy, and especially afterwards while nursing, and that it is considered safe. I've done my own research on this since then, and she seems to be right. So that is encouraging to me, because honestly, I'm ready to feel less anxious again and I KNOW what a difference Lexapro can make for me. Of course I'd so much rather NOT need it all, and am praying I won't, but it's nice to know it's an option if indeed I do struggle with post-partum depression and anxiety. Suffering through it while pregnant is one thing, but I really don't want to risk not enjoying every possible moment with this baby, after all we've gone through to get him.

There's more to say (isn't there always), but this is plenty long for now. Here's hoping for a week filled with lots of baby movements to help this anxious mama relax!