Almost there... and still worried.

We are officially now full-term, as of 3 days ago on Tuesday. This is so crazy to me, so amazing, so unexpected (how did this really happen, after so much crap and heartbreak for so long?), so mind-blowing, that I am often caught completely off-guard by the reality of it. I cry every day, usually out of happiness and disbelief that we might finally get to meet the baby we've waited so long for. I allow myself to imagine the first moment of seeing his face, and my heart melts through the floor and the tears just come. I can't believe it. I can barely let myself even attempt to believe it. It's too good to be true.

Lately, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good moments and bad moments, as most days I am up and down and all over the place emotionally. I'm still sad, I'm still fearful, I'm still anxious. But I'm also, at moments, happy beyond my wildest imagination. And this is when I get start to get scared again.

When he is active and moving, I feel the joy and the peace that allows me to imagine him really coming home with us. But still, STILL, after all these many months, when he is sleeping and perfectly still in my womb, my mind creeps back to the darkness and I find myself panicking, wondering if this will be the moment it all comes crashing down. I wish I could say I no longer carried this fear around, the fear that his heart will just up and stop beating, and that instead of a big, sleeping but live baby in my belly, I'll really be left with a big, sleeping baby that will never wake up. It goes back to my first miscarriage... to that moment when my entire life, my entire reality, changed in an instant that will forever haunt me. It was the moment when I went from being convinced MY baby would never die, to seeing with my own eyes that indeed there he was on the screen, with his little heart was no longer flickering. He was there and perfect, and yet he was already gone. My whole life changed right then. My innocence was stripped away and I was left shivering (figuratively AND literally... I could not stop shaking for days), no longer believing any of the things I thought to be true in all of the days of my life that led me to that horrible ultrasound.

I guess it must be that memory that has haunted me throughout this entire pregnancy. One minute your baby can be alive and well, and the next they are just suddenly gone. And you don't always get a reason (I never did, with either of them). So what if those babies were 10 weeks and 6 weeks old? So what if this one is 37.5 weeks, and could live just fine should he be born today? In the darkest recesses of my mind, it's the very same issue with me: They can still die. I know this because I have now met many women who lost their perfect, full-term babies, with no explanation. And it is honestly the greatest fear of my life at this point in time. Why should I be any different? Why should my baby live, when others haven't? My mom likes to say that we deserve this, that this is our moment. That we've been through enough, and now is our time to be happy. What a lovely thought. But I don't deserve it any more than the other mothers I know who DIDN'T get to bring their babies home. Many of them have been through much more than I have, and yet... and yet.

The universe just doesn't work that way, and I know this. There is no way, really, to calm my fears that this baby is not a guarantee, because, well, he just isn't. Nothing is.

Negative much? Sorry! I SWEAR I do not think this way 90% of the time. Even right now, as little knees or elbows push their way out of my belly every few minutes, I am mostly happy and at peace. I guess I'm just writing this down because the truth of the matter is that nearly every day, I still grapple with the same fears that have haunted me since my miscarriage and infertility hell first started way back when. Only when I hear my baby cry for the first time, when I hold him against my chest and FEEL that he is alive and ok, only then can I imagine I'll be able to believe this turn out ok.

And thankfully, oh so thankfully, that moment is less than 2 weeks away now. Which leads me to the update I MEANT to start out with (maybe if I wrote more often, as I'd like to, these posts wouldn't become such long novels). Here is where we are, as of our 37 week appointment this last Wednesday:

Baby Charlie (that is officially his name... we even pre-filled out the form for his birth certificate at the hospital this week!), named after my dad, my husband's middle name, and my husband's uncle, is still insisting on staying head up in the breech position. Unless a miracle happens and he flips around, our c-section will take place on Thursday, November 29th (my OB only does them on Thursdays, and I'd rather not wait a whole extra week, since I'll already be done with work then). I alternate between feeling perfectly happy with this plan and very sad and disappointed that we don't get to experience a real vaginal birth. Part of that issue is that I know I most likely will NEVER get to deliver vaginally after this, and I don't know, that's just something I really always wanted to experience... you know, doing all the hard work of labor, to finally be rewarded with your baby... to have your husband cut the chord... etc. etc. It's the way I always imagined it, and I need to let it go. I know it doesn't matter, not really. He just needs to get here safely, and if a section is the way for that to happen, so be it. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly disappointed about that.

At Wednesday's appointment I was also a little surprised to learn I had actually LOST 3 lbs. from the week before. I wasn't happy about that and immediately worried that Charlie wasn't growing like he should be. However, neither the nurse who weighed me nor my Dr. were the slightest bit concerned, so I am believing that baby is still gaining, even if I am losing. My OB even said it was a GOOD thing to lose weight at this point in pregnancy, as it just means I'm not retaining an excess fluid. Still, I really want a big, healthy baby, so I'm hoping this trend doesn't continue. To make up for the weight loss, I am now eating a huge helping of the best local ice cream on earth every night, which should help me pack on a few pounds before my next appointment. That's a healthy way to gain weight, right? :) Probably not, but it's a tasty way to do it so I'm all over it.

We had our pre-registration appointment at the hospital Wednesday night as well, and that really made things feel real. We got the full tour (again, I was a little sad do see my room would have a birthing tub, which I won't be needing... and a little freaked to see the surgical room and recovery room where I'll most likely spend a few hours during the c-section and recovery), and then filled out a crap-load of paperwork in preparation for the big day. This will make checking in the day of Charlie's birth a whole lot easier, and it also got us very excited about how little time is really left at this point. The next time we leave that hospital, it will be with our baby boy in tow (please God, let it be so!). I mean, wow.

My husband also installed the car-seat base in my car this week, which is another undeniable sign of how close we are getting. Every time I glance back there, I get a little teary thinking there might actually be a baby in there in just a couple more weeks. I still can't believe it (I know I keep saying that same thing, but it's true!).

I have only six days left at work. SIX days. Holy shit. I am simultaneously thrilled (it's like gearing up for summer vacation, only 10 billion times better) and stressed (how can I possibly get everything done in only six days?). More thrilled than stressed at this point. It will be fine, with or without me. I was very thankful, however, for a good post-evaluation meeting this week in which my administrator was very kind to say they really hoped I'd back, that they are so happy they hired me, etc. You rarely hear things like that in teaching, and I know it will help me not feel so negative about returning to work in March. It was good timing too, because it gave me a boost when I have been feeling SO drained and negative about my job lately. I'm ready to get out of there for a while.

 I know there is more to update on, so maybe I'll do the good ol' generic kind, just so I can get it all recorded for posterity's sake (and I'm sure most of you stopped reading long ago... sorry this is all so boring!):



How Far Along?: 37 weeks, 3 days

Symptoms:

• emotional, weepy
• exhuasted
• peeing 500 times a day
• emotional
• forgetful (I keep forgetting what word I'm looking for, which is embarrassing) 
• needing to nest (get every single thing in order, especially in the nursery)
• feeling stressed/anxious 
• nausea, usually in the mornings after breakfast
• hating on toothpaste (I so hope this goes away after he's born)
• hungry
• emotional
• emotional
• and emotional

Cravings: smoothies, ice cream, comfort foods, Thanksgiving dinnner (I seriously can't wait), good coffee (I can't wait for that either), Dragon's Milk (my favorite beer in the universe)

Aversions:   toothpaste

Movement:Yes, pretty regularly, which is a blessing for this anxious mama's mind. Also, I am really going to miss his hiccups. I love them more than anything. I can tell when he is pressing on my bladder too (his feet or knees are down there, after all... thanks to his breech position), so that can be fun. Still, I have NEVER once even wanted to complain about any discomfort. I love it all and welcome it with open arms!

Other happenings with my body: Still struggle with constipation, but Metamucil is helping that a lot. I have some pain in my lower back on the right side (where he prefers to hang out), but it's manageable. Belly keeps growing, but so far no stretch marks (knock on wood). I do have lots of itchiness on my legs and feet, and but that's not really pregnancy related: I have psoriasis/eczema, so it's the norm for me. Still annoying though!

Weight: I had gained about 26 pounds as of 1.5 weeks ago, but then that went down to 23 as of this week. So somewhere in that range.

Rings: Still on. No swelling.

Belly Button: I don't even know how to describe it. For a long time, it looked like the mouth of a balloon after it's been blown up and tied, if you can picture that. It's pushed out but not popped, if that makes sense? It looks like a little mound, but it's not fully popped out at this point. It's pretty weird looking and Phil and I both play with it more than is probably normal.

Stretch Marks: None that I can see, but my mom told me she never thought she had any either until she could finally see the underside of her belly again, and she did have a few hiding down there, so who knows...

Sleep: Some nights I sleep great, other nights I sleep horribly. Overall, it's not too bad though. I do love sleeping in on the weekends though, and need to really enjoy that because there are only 2 Saturdays left where I will get to enjoy that luxury. :)

Best Moment(s) of the Week: Every moment where I feel him move, getting complimented at my evaluation meeting, eating ice cream, having my final baby shower last Saturday put on by coworkers (it was really nice).

Looking Ahead: Thinking about finally meeting our baby in 13 days! Then worrying about healing from the c-section. I don't like to sit still for very long.

In Other News: I am praying so hard and so often for some of my dear IF/RPL sisters who are in various stages of either hoping or hurting. I want to make everything work out the way it should, and yet I know all I can do is pray for you and support you with my love from afar. This journey can be the biggest bitch sometimes, and that's when we really need to be there for each other the most.

Pictures: Here are a few recent ones from our last shower, etc.

Belly will not be sharing a bed with the baby, but I think she'd like to. Also, I swear I 'm working on these giant mounds of baby laundry!

I can't wait to actually use some of these ridiculously cute clothes on our baby boy. :)

I look scary and make-up free, but I like how I'm using my belly as a tray these days. Never thought I'd reach that point in a pregnancy.

Not too much longer and Charlie won't be coming to work with me anymore.

Looking huge at 37 weeks.

A close-up of my sweet baby boy.