Back to work = back to awkward (and pictures)

Today was our first full day back with the entire staff of my high school. We had a lovely 7.5 hours of sitting on our butts for professional development that exactly zero of us will remember this school year as we are teaching, but that's beside the point. It was, of course, mind-numingly boring. It was also incredibly awkward for this pregnant gal who doesn't exactly do well with the usual banter surrounding pregnancy. I guess I still tend to forget that others can really tell I'm pregnant now, so I'm still somehow taken off guard when people I rarely talk to come up and start asking about my personal life. I mean, I only started at this school a year go when we moved up here from downstate, so there are literally some people on our gigantic staff I have never yet had a conversation with. Until today.

When we left school last June, I was 14 weeks pregnant and still hiding it very well. Very few people knew I was even pregnant. So yeah, I get that me showing up now suddenly 26 weeks pregnant might be shocker to some of these people, but I guess I just never realized how much complete strangers would want to TALK about my pregnancy with me. And I wasn't prepared for that. I was probably asked if this was my first pregnancy a minimum of 10 times day, and that's a question I still don't know how to answer. I hate saying "yes" because it's a lie. I also hate it because I feel like it imparts a false sense of what this pregnancy means to me: I am not just your average pregnant girl who decided it was time to have a baby and then whoops, here it is in my belly. And I feel like when I answer with a simple "yes," that's the idea I give off. That probably  has to do with the reactions I get, which all seem to be so excited and HAPPY for me... and I have a hard time mirroring those emotions in that moment where I am really thinking to myself, "No, this is my 3rd baby, but to the world, it's the first that really matters." And I hate that. I hate that I don't get to share my other 2 babies' lives with anyone, and that for all intents and purposes, it's like they never happened. It makes me sad. And yet, it's not something I can bring up with well-meaning strangers who only mean the very best in congratulating me on my  "first" pregnancy. But it leaves me feeling conflicted.

Actually, I did give my occasional answer to one person today, which is to smile and say, "Well, it's our first pregnancy to get this far, so we are very excited." And I leave it that, just assuming they can figure the rest out. Ending it on a positive note (that we're really excited) gives the listener an out, so that they don't even have acknowledge the first part of my answer (that it's our first one to get this far) if they don't want to. And they usually don't. This coworker did kind of acknowledge it with something along the lines of "Oh, wow, well that's wonderful then." And then I quickly changed the subject to ask about her daughter who just born last April.

I feel bad because this is a woman happened to bring her newborn baby to the staff lunchroom last spring for her first visit on the same day I was convinced my then 8 weeks pregnant self was going to miscarry. I was a mess that day and was just biding my time until our first ultrasound that afternoon, which I had scheduled in a panic that morning since my nausea had all but disappeared... I was SURE it was over. So when she walked in with her fresh out of the oven darling daughter that day, I lost it. I don't think I was too obvious, but while everyone else was oohing and aaahing, I swiftly ran out of the room and barely made it to the hallway before bursting into tears. I couldn't believe the timing of it all... that on that day when I was sure my world was about to be crushed for the 3rd time, she would choose to bring in this beautiful specimen of the very thing I thought my body could not do.

Thankfully, of course, I was wrong that day and that 8 week ultrasound showed us a baby who was actually doing very well at 2 days ahead of schedule for growth. Oh how quickly I am able to convince myself of the worst. I did it at 8 weeks, and I can still do it at 26. 

I truly hope she didn't notice my theatrics that day, but even if she did, maybe after today she'll understand why I acted the way I did...

And then, bless her heart, today she proceeded to tell me that if I wanted, she could bring me in a bunch of baby stuff that they didn't need anymore. This was their 2nd baby, and since they didn't know the gender before she was born, they had purchased a bunch of gender neutral stuff in case it was a boy (#1 was a girl). When they ended up with a 2nd daughter, she said they'd ended up just using all of the girl stuff they already had. So she basically offered me a lot of brand-new items (bedding, a bouncy chair, etc.) after what was pretty much our first conversation ever... after I ran out of the room crying when she brought her daughter to visit last year (and secretly I was probably incredibly bitter towards her at the time for having just succeeded in her second pregnancy). I feel like a schmuck. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

Anyway, I truly hope it never sounds as if I am complaining about this pregnancy. Because I assure you, I am not. I have never been more thankful for anything in all my life. I write all of this simply in an attempt to try to express the awkwardness of trying to act like the "normal pregnant lady" we all know I will never be. I'm terrible at it, and I fear I come off as uncaring or apathetic towards this baby to people who don't really know me. I mean, it's just hard for me to muster the enthusiasm that seems to be expected of me at this point, because I still feel like a phony and a liar. And it's not that I'm NOT excited, because I definitely am, it's just that along with that excitement is the ever-present fear and cautiousness that comes courtesy of a history of loss and heartache. And you just can't explain all of that mess in the 10 seconds most people want to devote to their small-talk back to school conversations with you. So instead, I just did my best to put on a smile and pretend all is bright and merry in the land of my pregnancy... and really, that's how I wish it was anyway, so maybe pretending isn't that bad.

I feel like a broken record when I write about this stuff. Probably because I am.

On a much happier note, all of that awkwardness no longer mattered to me today as I sat there for all 7.5 hours of PD, because for ONCE this baby boy decided to get some exercise and was moving all over the place. I like to think he could sense my vulnerability after all of those false conversations, and so he decided to give me some extra reassurance that he's really in there, growing away just like he should be. I probably looked like a moron smiling at my belly all afternoon, but that sure beat staring at boring powerpoints instead. So that was definitely a highlight of the day.

And the other HUGE highlight, is that we finally found out today that my brother's friend has been approved to donate a kidney to him. This is miraculous news!! He really needs his transplant SOON, and UofM was taking ages (seriously, about 6 weeks) to make their final decision about his friend getting to donate or not. I am just so happy for him.

I know not many people read this blog, but please know that those of you that do (that I am aware of anyway) are in my prayers every single day on my walks. Even though God and I are in a weird, blurry place right now, I haven't stopped praying. And I don't think I ever will. I am praying for many babies in the coming year (a year for me starts with school in September :).

And finally, I want to leave with some recent pictures:

24 weeks (I had my hair cut this day and she curled my hair... I am never that put together on my own!)

25 weeks

26 weeks

26 from the front (looks super creepy to me)

Belly-blue... aka, my baby girl

She lays like this and I find it slightly inappropriate. Still cute though.

Candid shot of my love, from my usual angle while laying on the couch. :)

The Mr.