A more positive post (finally)

I've been feeling a bit bad about how negative I've been lately on here, but then I sometimes forget there are other people reading this and the truth is, I DO tend to be negative more often than positive. I really wish I was more of a natural optimist, but I'm afraid my genetics have me wired to lean more naturally towards the anxiety/depression route, as pretty much everyone in my family struggles with one or both of those. I used to fight it and deny I was affected, fearing the stigma of mental illness if I were to really fess up to needing help with my issues, but thankfully I'm past that now and have accepted my limitations. They don't define me, and having seen how much medication can help, I no longer try to act like I need or have to do it all on my own. It just is what it is.

Of course, I still do partially believe that if my life would just be EASY for a while and we could stop dealing with death, illness and the various other catastrophes that have darkened our lives since early 2010 (not just the miscarriages and IF, but also family health emergencies, extended ICU visits (my mom), the crazy cancer and rapid subsequent passing of my father-in-law, and 2 kidney transplants (my mom last summer and now my brother) maybe, just MAYBE I wouldn't need any help with my anxiety and depression. That bums me out when I let it, but none of us can control all of what happens in our lives, and there have also been many, many blessings along the way as well. Sometimes though, life is just hard.

Anyhoo, all that to say that while going off my Lex.apro during this pregnancy has not always been easy, I do think overall I am doing the best I can. I do have moments of joy, especially when Nolan is really active and makes his presence known. There is no greater feeling in the world than that of watching/feeling my baby move around inside my belly, and anytime I am lucky enough to catch one of his show's I find myself completely transfixed and mesmerized by the little miracle happening in my abdomen. I love him so much.

So whereas very little about this pregnancy has been "normal" so to speak, at least if you are comparing me to a Fertile Myrtle and looking at how vastly different we view/experience our pregnancies, I do believe I am slowly but surely making some progress. For example, I ordered Nolan's first gift from Etsy, and it came in the mail today. It's the most adorable little knit cap with bear ears, and since he's due in December, I figured a hat would be a practical purchase. Now I admit that I've had some of my usual dark thoughts about this, including wondering if we'd be burying him with this hat instead of bringing him home in a car seat, but I try to quickly shove those thoughts aside and just focus on the very good chance that he will MAKE IT and be just fine (one more week to viability!). I'm just being honest here though, and those fears are never far from my mind.

Seriously though, it's so stinkin' cute. The baby's not bad either... though Nolan is probably cuter. ;)





I also have made a few consignment purchases, including some super cute long-sleeved onesies that I found for 50 cents each.

See? Most of the time I really DO believe, or at least hope with all my heart and soul, that this little boy will come home with us, even if I tend to focus on my fears far too often. I'm not ALWAYS negative, it's just that when I'm feeling down tends to be when I feel most like writing/venting, so it all comes out in this little blog space. Sorry about that.

I have a few other posts I'd like to write right now too (or just one REALLY long one), including a recap of my last OB appointment (it was so much better than the last one! Though he clearly still thinks I'm insane), but I don't want to make this as crazy long-winded as my last post so for now I'll call it a day.

I am praying so much for so many out there in blog-land... for my friend K who has big decisions ahead of her, for Heather during her 2 week wait, for all of you with big ultrasound appointments tomorrow (Katie, Ducky, Maria), and for so many others too. I wish I could hug each one of you in person, but instead I'll just do it through the good ol' interweb and through prayer!

And just because she makes me happy even in my worst moments, here's a picture of my sweet cat Belly, acting like she's human and about to eat my yogurt/use my computer.

And finally, I guess I'll throw in one more: An aerial view of Nolan as seen from above (he looks HUGE here). This is me looking down at my feet yesterday.