Thoughts and ponderings

I have had so many posts floating around in my head, but I never seem to actually sit down and write them out. Today seemed like a good day to change that pattern, since it's been a good day and I therefore am less prone to spew all of my negative thoughts out in this space.

I think overall things have been better. I saw my therapist yesterday and it was one of our best sessions yet (in my opinion). There are two reasons for this:

1) She actually shared a little about her herself for once, which she never does. And I totally appreciated it. It had to do with my fear that my child is going to inherit my uglier traits, such as my emotional struggles with anxiety and depression. And what she had to say about that was awesome, and so comforting. She basically said that no baby is going to turn out 100% like one parent. Our baby will have his own personality and characteristics, and if some of those happen to be from me, so what? She told me her daughter is SO much like her and while that used to worry her, now that her daughter is older my therapist is realizing how much better she can actually HELP her with her struggles, since she's had the same struggles herself. She also said she's really tried to raise her differently than she was raised, knowing how some of her upbringing fed into or resulted in some of those very struggles. I don't know, it's nothing too profound, but I really appreciated her opening up a bit like that. Sometimes it feels weird to sit for an hour and talk only about yourself, to someone you are paying to listen to you. This made it feel a little more like a conversation than a therapy session, even if that was only an illusion.

2) The other reason it was a good appointment is that she told me I seemed much better than when I had been in 2 weeks ago, as in less anxious (and crazy, though she'd never actually say that). She pointed out that most of the anxieties I was talking about this time had to do with getting things done and ready before the baby gets here, since I'm feeling like life is going to get insanely busy once school starts in 2 weeks (it already has, as I've been in to school most days this week already). This might not sound like anything significant, but for someone like me, it actually is. I hadn't really been hearing myself at all, but she was right: I was talking as if I believed this baby was going to actually arrive in December! I wasn't talking about my fears that he'll die in utero, or that he'll be sick when he's born or have severe birth defects... none of my usual, irrational fears. I was talking like an actual, "normal" pregnant person who was worried about getting the nursery set up in time for her baby's arrival. Don't ask me how that happened, but I'm happy it did!

And it's true, I DO worry about these things now, mostly b/c I still feel like I am way behind most gals who are in this stage of pregnancy. I mean, we have not done a single THING to get ready for his arrival, and I know of others who have had multiple showers already and who already have the nursery lock, stock and loaded. Talk about making feel the crunch. I have no idea where to even start! But I think I'm feeling just the slightest bit ready to take the leap and make some purchases. It feels scary to even write that.

Actually, for starters, I think we will order a crib. When I told my mom we were going to go ahead and order one, she was just so happy to hear me talking "like that" (as in, talking like I believe we might actually have this baby) that she went on to insist that she and my dad wanted to buy all of our nursery furniture for us. Wow. That blows me away! But I have to remind myself that this is their first grandbaby and that they have wanted to be grandparents I swear since I was in high school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for loving parents who want to help us out in such a huge way.

Another thing making my load feel lighter is that I am slowly but surely getting things ready for the new school year. The hardest part is always just STARTING, but once I do I quickly remember that I know how to do this and it will be fine. I AM feeling a bit of extra stress due to the fact that I'll be split between the high school and the middle school this year, but yesterday I was finally given a key to my new (2nd) room, and today I was able to start moving some things over (though I will admit I did start to worry about carrying so much stuff back and forth from my car to the room... what if I pushed myself too far physically?). I'm going to have to get over that fear though, since as a traveling teacher I will unfortunately be lugging my crap all over town with me every day once school starts. Oh well. Anyway, I have no idea how to handle 6th and 7th graders after dealing with only 9th-12th graders for the last 6 years, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. 6th grade though! They are BABIES compared to 18 year olds. Lord help me find the patience. I've been told they're actually really fun and that they still have that kid-like enthusiasm that is so lacking by the age of 14, so I think that might prove to be refreshing in its own way.

Today was beautiful, sunny, breezy and in the low 70's. In other words, it was perfect outside and for once, I actually felt my spirits were high enough to appreciate that fact. I don't know, it was just a good day. And I'll take those whenever I can get them!

I think what probably set the more positive tone for the day was that Nolan was being way more acrobatic than usual this morning, which really made me smile. And he's given me little flips throughout the day too, just to let me know he's doing well in there. It's amazing what a difference this can make, and I wish he would just be like that every day, but it seems we have a very calm baby on our hands the majority of the time. He's usually pretty lazy during the day, which always scares me, so for today I am thankful that he was extra active for once.