35 weeks

I have wanted to write for so long, and yet just as I expected, October went and got insanely busy and is now somehow almost over. This month was CRAZY, and I am exhausted in a way I didn't even know was possible. I'll try to recap a bit on all that has happened since my last post:

• A few weeks ago we had a lovely little baby shower here in town put on by someone I have grown close to since moving back home a little over a year ago. It was small and intimate and perfect. My favorite part was that this friend lead a ritual called "The Blessing Way" in which everyone was asked to bring a bead and some wisdom to share. The women went around in a circle and explained why they picked the bead they did, and then shared how they knew me, as well as their advice for my future as a mom. This collection of beads was then strung onto a necklace, with the idea being that I can take it into labor with me and in that way have each of those women present with me and supporting me through that process. It was so meaningful to hear what they all had to say, and I know that necklace will be a huge comfort to me in the weeks ahead. 
• Less than a week later we headed downstate for my brother's kidney transplant at the U of M hospital in Ann Arbor. It was an emotional, but good weekend, as things went well. He is now home recovering, as is his dear friend who donated her kidney to my brother. It is just such a miracle, and yet it has been an overwhelming couple of years for my family as my mom just went through this same process only 14 months ago at the Mayo Clinic. I think we are all relieved to have the transplants over and done with, and are now hoping for many years of healthy kidney function for both my mom and brother.
• In the midst of these two events, I also had 2 weeks of parent-teacher conferences, since I am working at 2 different schools this year. They went well, as they always do, and yet I still don't feel caught up from how draining those 12+ hour days can be. I also had my first evaluation/formal observation of the year at work, which is always a bit stressful. And since I'm leaving for 12 weeks here pretty soon, they want to do my other one ASAP. Fun, fun. I am SO ready for some time away from school! I love my job and all, but it is just so draining at times.
• Last week we also had two night classes related to this baby, which is still pretty surreal to me. Is this really happening? All signs point to "yes." On Tuesday night we had a "Baby Care" class in which we spent 3.5 hours learning things that to me seem to be common sense, and yet it was a good refresher (I worked all through college in an infant room at a daycare center, so I have the diaper changing bit down pat :). I get anxious before things like this because I always assume I will feel like a weirdo around "normal" pregnant women, or that I will be jealous of their easy joy and naivete, but actually it wasn't that bad. The couple who sat next to us were actually not even pregnant, but rather were awaiting their first adopted baby girl. That really touched me, and made me realize I really have a lot to be thankful for (so should shut down my pity-party once in a while). They were a wonderful couple, and they ALMOST made up for the completely ridiculous and inappropriate couple next to them who made continuous crude jokes and annoying commentary on everything the instructor said. For example, the man's favorite joke seemed to be about the baby dying if we didn't do things the right way... as in his response to the instructor asking, "What happens if the car seat isn't installed correctly?" His "hilarious" reply to that was "Oh, the baby dies, obviously." Apparently babies dying is something so foreign to some people that they can joke about it? It made me sick. And that wasn't the only time he used that line. I wanted to tell him to shut the "eff" up, that his joke was NOT the least bit funny and that sometimes babies really do die, but I let the awkward silence from the rest of us speak for itself. What an a-hole. I wasn't the only one in the room who didn't appreciate those jokes.
• The next night we went to a private birthing class, that was just the two of us with one nurse. That was MUCH better for someone like me, as I didn't have to worry about anyone else that night. We could ask all the questions we wanted, and it was just far more comfortable. We left with a somewhat better idea of what to expect from labor and delivery, though to be honest it all still seems like a reality that won't ever really happen for me. Also, I'm feeling more and more certain this little dude is going to stay breech, which is how he's been the entire pregnancy so far as I know, which means a vaginal birth complete with lots of pushing, breathing exercises, etc. might not be in the stars for me. I really do not want a c-section, but in the end I guess I don't really care HOW he gets here, so long has he gets here and is healthy. 

• Then, last weekend we headed BACK down state, only this time it was for another baby shower. This one was put on by two of my good friends and was in Lansing, where I lived for the 11 years prior to moving back to my hometown. It was again really nice, though slightly overwhelming to finally see so many people I have missed for so long, and yet not really have enough to time to catch up with any of them. We were so blessed though by the many wonderful gifts and kind words spoken. And it was nice to get back to my other "hometown," our church (where Phil and I met),  and to catch up with some of our long-lost friends. I also got to check in on my brother, which was a bonus.

I think that pretty much sums up the last month. There were other things thrown in there (doctors appointments, etc.), and all-in-all it made for a very speedy few weeks (which I'm thankful for!). Somehow, now, we find ourselves at 35 weeks and in the final countdown. Only 4 more weeks of school for me, and then it's actually going to be time for this baby boy to make his appearance. It's just so surreal and still seems unfathomable to me that this is really happening. To say I'm excited does not begin to describe it, and yet right there with that excitement is my same old fear that something might go wrong. Still, I only have 5 more weeks to deal with that fear, and my hope is that it will all be proved unnecessary and that he will arrive perfect and healthy. That, to me, is a dream I never thought would come true! I am so hoping to be proven wrong on that.

I am seeing my OB every week now for an NST, and then have an ultrasound scheduled for next Monday, right around 36 weeks. I requested the ultrasound, as I'd like to check fluid levels, the size of the baby, and of course his position (praying SO hard he flips to the right position and SOON!), and luckily my doctor agreed to have it done. I haven't seen the baby since 27 weeks, and I'm both excited and nervous. I hope it's reassuring and not the opposite, so I can just enjoy this last month until he gets here.

Finally, I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I'll include a few from the showers, and some random belly shots from the last month or so too:

At shower number one with some ladies I love so much!

Doing the bead activity. P.S. I look like a whale, but it's cool.

Baby boy's snowsuit, from my mom. :)

I think this was 33 weeks?

At shower number two, with the two hosts.

The gift that makes me laugh the hardest: The hands-free breast pump contraption that comes with a picture of a woman using her computer while pumping. My friend pictured here picked it out at first as a joke, then looked down and saw it was actually on my registry. I love it. :) Actually, I'm sure it will come in really handy!

I have LOVED SkippyJon Jones since before my TTC days, because #1 it's about a siamese cat that looks my own kitty, and #2 it's a cat that wants to be a chihuahua AND speaks Spanish. So awesome. I can't read to read the books that go with this stuffed animal to my little man (who I WILL be teaching Spanish to).

Friends from Mason, where I taught for the first 5 years of my career. I love them all so much! Also pictured is my dear friend's miracle IVF baby. We supported each other so much through our years of IF and TTC, and seeing that baby girl just makes me cry every time! She's so perfect.

Taken just this morning at 35 weeks.

Life Lately

Well, life has gotten crazy busy and the weeks continue to fly by. I have school to thank for that, and despite my frustration at how insane my job has been lately, I really am grateful for the distraction. And for the kids. If all I had to do was TEACH, I would love my job. But it's all of the additional baggage that comes along with this profession that starts to weigh me down. However, this blog isn't about it teaching, so I'll skip all of that for now.

I have had some really good days lately where I honestly feel a peace about this pregnancy. I honestly didn't think I would ever have days like that during these 40 weeks of waiting, so when it happens I am extremely thankful. We've reached 32.5 weeks (will be 33 weeks on Tuesday, but I start to get ahead of myself on the weekends and just start jumping ahead to the next week of pregnancy). Impatient much? Yes. It's nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around the fact that in 1.5 months we could be (will be?) meeting our baby boy. I think my husband and I have been living in the day-to-day, just stick to what we need to know THIS week mentality for so long that suddenly we're feeling a little overwhelmed by all that really needs to get done. We have not thought about labor or birth or breastfeeding or bringing this baby home, because, well, it just seemed too good to be true and like always, I was scared to jinx us. But it's getting harder and harder to hide my head in the sand. One way or another, I WILL be delivering this baby. Do I still have crippling fears that he will be born asleep, or that something will be seriously wrong with him? Unfortunately, yes. But I also have moments where I dare to let myself imagine the alternative: That he will be born perfectly healthy and pink and screaming, and that a couple of days later he will be here in this house, actually sleeping in that empty crib upstairs. It honestly feels like someone else's life. Me, with a baby? In my house? In my arms? It's been a pipe dream for over 3 years now, and one I truly convinced myself would never come to fruition. So yeah, it's hard to get my head around the reality that this might really be happening.

My anxiety levels have been helped by the fact that this baby is clearly growing. I feel like suddenly my belly is no longer "cute", but has instead jumped up to "huge and awkward looking". I'm starting to wonder what 7 more weeks is going to do to this body, and I'm excited to find out. I want him to grow big and healthy and strong. I hope he's close to 10 lbs. like his mama was. :) (I know I could regret saying that). But to me, big equals healthy and sturdy, and that's what I want.  Every week gives me more hope and more confidence that he might really be ok. Despite my recurring nightmares (and I have some weird ones) where he will suddenly kick his way out of my stomach (through the skin, not through the birth canal), or be born a cyclops with one eye that sometimes morphs into two eyes (weirdest one yet, but I STILL thought he was cute :), I mostly feel confident about the fact that he his hanging on in there and continuing to grow as he should. He still has slow days, but what helps is that he now gets the hiccups at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day, so even if he's not kicking around like a maniac, I know he's still alive and practicing his breathing, and that helps put my mind at ease. Actually, his hiccups are by far my favorite thing in the world right now. They are just so cute, and I can't wait to see them in real life after he's born.

There's a sweet story about his hiccups that I want to record, because otherwise I might forget it. Earlier this week, while I was teaching one of my high school classes, he started hiccuping while I was standing in front of the class talking to my students. I was holding my hand on my low belly, where I could feel the little rhythmic pulses, and one my sweet students asked if he was kicking. I should explain that this is my one class that is OBSESSED with this baby. They ask about him every day: "Do you have a name yet? What does it feel like to be pregnant? Are you tired? Is he kicking? Will you teach him Spanish?" And on and on. They have had debates about what I should name him, and have talked about pooling their money together to buy him some Jordans (tennis shoes), which I think is adorable.

Anyway, when the student asked if he was kicking, I told her "No, but he's got the hiccups." She said she'd never felt a baby move before, so I asked if she wanted to feel his little hiccups. She was so excited, and when she felt it, she literally freaked out. She jumped back and screamed "I felt it!!!! Oh my gosh!!" This started a minor uproar as various other kids then wanted to feel it, and suddenly I had multiple teenage hands on my belly. Ha! It was ridiculous and more than a little awkward, but also such a sweet moment. This class allows me to act like and even feel like a "normal" pregnant gal for 70 minutes a day. They don't know my history, and they know nothing of my real fears and anxieties. They only know that I am pregnant with a baby boy, and they all assume he will be born in December with no problems. I think it's good for me. It's at least a small glimpse into what this is really supposed to be like. Leave it to kids to keep things simple and fun. And that's why I LOVE my job, even if the politics and overwhelming expectations sometimes overshadow the whole purpose of what I do. I need to just focus on the kids and not let the rest get to me.

A few other odds and ends going on these days:

• I have my first baby shower TODAY (eek) here in town, and I am both excited and terrified. It will be a small one, which I think is what I need. I'm not looking forward to being the center of attention, but I AM looking forward to celebrating this baby boy because he deserves that. He's dealt with a lot of my fears and insecurities throughout the last 7 months or so, and it's time for him to start being more celebrated. Of course in the back of my mind, I still have the nagging fear that something is bound to go wrong right after this shower, because that's just how I would expect the dark irony of my history to work out (things always went wrong just when I thought they were starting to go well and would let my guard down). 
• My next OB appointment is Monday, and I'm looking forward to it. While the last 2 weeks have flown by, they also seem to have lasted forever in some ways. I think it's just wanting the reassurance that I am measuring ok, that his heart rate is ok (though I do still check with the doppler on my own too), and that I don't have a UTI or anything of the sort brewing. The appointment is with my original OB, but I feel ok about that. I may even go by myself, because I have some rather awkward questions to ask (regarding constipation, amongst other lovely topics). Of course if things don't go well with him and he's rude to me, I may be done for good with this doc. I'm hoping that's not the case!
• While I am feeling pretty good overall and am still taking walks every day (I hope I can continue this through the end... is that unrealistic?), in some ways I feel like the first trimester is coming back to haunt to me now in this final stretch. Brushing my teeth has made me want to throw up pretty much from the start, but lately it has gotten pretty bad in the mornings. After I brush my teeth, I pretty much want to throw up on my entire ride to school, and only feel better once I eat something else to get the taste of toothpaste out of my mouth. I only brush my teeth twice a day now because of this, and this is coming from the girl who used to get made fun of for brushing her teeth so much (after every time I ate, or drank something acidic). I do look forward to the day when maintaining good dental hygiene no longer makes me want to curl up and die. That will be nice. Oh, and flossing is no walk in the park either. I pretty much spit out mouthfuls of blood for a good 10 minutes after flossing, due to my gums being so dang sensitive these days. This is normal, I know, but not the most pleasant experience to have. 
•  I am not complaining! I'll take nausea and bleeding gums for the rest of my life, as long as I get to keep this baby boy. It's a small price to pay.
• Also going along with first trimester fun, I seem to be having issues making myself eat enough fruits and veggies again, which is usually a main part of my diet. What is going on? I can hardly make myself eat the berries I usually LOVE, and don't really eat raw veggies lately either. No es bueno. I know it's important to get plenty of these foods, so I need to figure something out. Maybe buy a juicer? 
• I'm starting to feel like my maternity shirts are not going to get me through the end of this pregnancy. Shouldn't they be big enough to keep you covered, even when you're nice and HUGE? I worry b/c I know I still have a ways to go, and yet many of the shirts I've been wearing seem to barely cover me all the way down to my pants. Granted, I have a very long torso to begin with, so add in a big, round belly and it's pretty awkward, but I am starting to kind of worry about what I'll be able to wear to work in the final weeks. Again, this is a problem I THRILLED to have, so don't read this as complaining! I just think these maternity shirts should be made to fit through the very end. 
• My brother is getting a kidney transplant this upcoming Friday, October 19th. This is very exciting, but also a little scary. If you're the praying type, please pray that his body would accept this kidney right away, with no complications. My brother has had bad luck most of his life, and in this instance he really needs things to go well. I just want it to work, so he can start feeling healthy again. He so deserves that. I'm taking Friday off school to be there with my family (his surgery is downstate) that weekend. Please pray also for his donor, a good friend of his, as she is making a huge sacrifice in giving him this gift. I'm praying for a speedy recovery for her, and that she would just be so blessed by this experience. If only all people were so generous! Myself included. What a gift of life. I hope to one day be able to give one my kidneys to someone who needs it as well. We only need one, after all.
• I mentioned the constipation issue above, and I won't go into details because nobody wants to read them, but this has become a real problem for me. As in, going to the bathroom often results in crying, sweating, swearing and a good 20 minutes spent in the bathroom. And the entire time I am so worried that I am literally going to push my baby out due to how hard I have to work. It's horrible. I hate it. I have to figure something out, because I'm starting to avoid going all together. Again, no es bueno. Sorry for the visuals and the TMI! I said I wouldn't go into details, and then I did. Is nothing sacred anymore?

 And with that I will close with a few recent pictures:

32 weeks

When will the bitterness go away?

"We like our first kid so much we decided to have another... in April!" 

I just saw this comment on facebook, posted by someone I used to be really close with in college. We had a lot in common then, after studying abroad together in Spain during our junior year. Now, it seems, we have very little still in common. She is yet another reminder to me of what I am not, and of what I don't have. Her first child, an adorable son, was born around the same time our first baby would come into the world: the summer of 2011. She got to keep her baby, and has been living the life I wanted for myself ever since. My baby died, as did my next one. Then, I couldn't get pregnant for a long time after that.

So I read her post and instantly the sadness hits me. I don't feel happy for her. Instead, I quickly calculate how pregnant she actually is right now if the baby is due in April, and I realize she must be about 8 weeks along. 8 weeks! And she is already confident enough to post the news for all the world to see. 8 weeks and already this baby is a sure thing in her life, already a child she can start planning for. It makes me cry.

Please don't misunderstand me; I am so incredibly thankful for the little life growing away inside of me and I wouldn't trade him for anything. But I still struggle so much with the anger and bitterness and jealousy that instantly surfaces when I'm faced with all that I've lost. It's not even just the first 2 babies I wanted SO badly: It's also the innocence and confidence in my body that was shattered in that first moment I realized the sweet baby on the ultrasound screen no longer had a heartbeat. It's the joy in how amazing pregnancy can be that I barely notice now that I am instead constantly battling the crippling fear that this baby will be ripped away from just like the first 2. It's how horrible I feel about myself in these moments when I realize I can no longer feel happy for friends of mine as they become moms so easily. It's feeling like I'm outside of a club I want desperately to be a part of.

I asked my husband if these dark feelings would ever go away. Will I struggle less with pregnancy announcements once my own baby is here? Will I once again find joy in seeing other babies, without feeling the ache of my own that were lost? Will I ever stop comparing where I "should be" with where I actually am? I'm sure it will be less of an issue if and once I have my baby boy to focus on, but I do wonder if I'll ever fully heal from the deep damage that has already been done.

Part of my fear is different now: When I read posts on facebook like the one above, I realize a new fear is already weeding its way into my heart. It's the fear that maybe we'll get this baby, but that that will probably be it for us. He is an unlikely miracle, and given our track record and my crazy, dysfunctional body, I fully expect us to face difficulties again whenever we're ready to try for another baby. It feels selfish to even say this, as I know how insanely lucky I am to even have THIS baby, but honestly I can't help it. When friends post about their 2nd (and now even 3rd) pregnancies and I see how EASY things have been for them, my heart already feels broken when I think that we'll most likely have to go through the same heartache all over again if we ever hope to conceive again. I just want what they have, and yet I know that's ridiculous. This is my own journey, not theirs, and I need to stop comparing. So my other friend from downstate who just announced they are having their THIRD baby girl, by "accident" after getting pregnant right before her husband was scheduled for his vasectomy? That's not me, and I need to just let the bitterness go. Instead of saying, "Gee, it must be SO hard to be so damn fertile that you "accidentally" get pregnant when it's not convenient to you," I should be saying, "That's not my life and that's ok." I have a lot to be thankful for and should focus on that!

Still, it's so hard sometimes. I'll never understand why it gets to be so easy for some, and yet has to be so impossibly difficult for so many others.

Sleeper days make me insane

Yesterday was not a good day. It was one of baby boy's "sleeper days", where apparently all he chooses to do is sleep... consequently causing me, his mother, to go over-the-top crazy with worry. And worry I did. A lot.

It started when I first woke up. Since it was a Saturday, I had the wonderful luxury of staying in bed and just relaxing for a while after I first woke up. Normally, this is one of my favorite things to do. I grab my Kindle and check my email or read for a bit before really getting out of bed. And NORMALLY when I do this, I am entertained by at least a few little flips, kicks or turns from the little one I like to imagine is also just waking up inside my belly. Well, yesterday I had no such luck. He didn't move. So I waited... and waited some more. Nothing. Seriously, what is WITH this kid? Finally, I pulled out the doppler and had a listen; everything was fine, at least as far as his heart rate was concerned.

The day didn't get much better from there. He just was NOT moving. I had breakfast, including a tall glass of OJ, and then lounged on the couch for a while, sure that he'd finally wake up and give me some reassurance. Nope.

Try as I might, even when I know in my mind that this is a pattern with him... that he's done this over and over, I still can't shake the fear that THIS TIME something might be wrong. I start to panic that his cord is wrapped around his neck, or that the fluid is too low. I become so desperate to just feel him move that I start to cry. My anxiety skyrockets and nothing can make me feel better, other than that eventual movement I crave so badly.

But baby boy is stubborn. And apparently extremely lazy on some days. And I hate it.

Of course, things are fine and EVENTUALLY he did start moving a bit more, but it was nothing like he is on his active days. And oh how I love his active days! I just feel like I never hear about babies acting this way in utero.... super active for a few days, and then NOTHING for a day or two. I hope it just means he's growing, but it's so hard (nearly impossible) for me to not jump to the worst case scenario when I'm in the middle of these difficult days.

Today I feel slightly guilty for the many annoyances I put my baby through yesterday, all in the attempt to try to get him to wake up and dance a bit. Here's what I subjected the poor boy to throughout the day:

1. Multiple glasses of juice or ice cold water
2. Many pokes, prods, shakes and vigorous belly rubs
3. COFFEE! Seriously, I even drank my first stinkin' cup of coffee since this pregnancy started, which I swore I would never do. :( But at least it was only half-caff, and even then it was just a half-cup mixed with lots of milk. This actually worked pretty well, but he only moved for a few minutes after I drank it, and then went back to "sleep". Stubborn, I tell you.
4. Ice pack: I put it on the hard part of my belly where I knew he was hanging out (I think it was his back or butt, not sure). This also worked pretty much immediately! He HATED the ice, and kicked it away. Ha. I felt bad after that, but it did make me feel better.
5. Ice cream (aka sugar rush mixed with cold)
6. Oh yeah, and I used the doppler a grand total of THREE times yesterday. That's a record and completely ridiculous.

I am a horrible mommy. I feel like I pretty much abused him yesterday, all to make myself feel better. :(

But yeah, yesterday was just a bad day. In the end, all seems well and today he is a bit more back to normal (though still not overly active). But man, I can't handle the stress of his quiet days anymore. I need these next 10 weeks to fly by, because as I've said before, I really just suck at being pregnant. Either that, or I need to stay busier on the weekends so I can't focus on my belly quite so much. That's a big part of the problem, I'm sure.

There's lots more to say about this last week too, and I swear I was slightly less neurotic every other day besides yesterday! I had a good appointment with the nurse-midwife on Thursday and I really like her a LOT. If she could just promise me she'd be the one on-call when I go into labor, that would be great. She was just so reassuring and kind, and she spent so much time with me. She didn't make me feel stupid for my concerns, which goes a long way in my book.

We talked about labor and delivery for the first time, as well as breastfeeding. I admitted to her that I am still in a week-by-week mode where I don't really let myself get too far ahead due to fear, but I understand that I'm going to have to get over that soon and really start thinking as if this might happen after all. And that's hard for me. She also talked to me about Lexapro and the possibility of going back on it after the baby is born, even if I am breastfeeding (which I plan to do). It was the first time someone has really made me feel like it's OK to breastfeed while on meds, and I'm so thankful for her input. She basically said that the amount of the medication that actually makes it into the breast milk is so minimal that it's not a risk at all to the baby. She told me they have countless women on SSRI's all through pregnancy, and especially afterwards while nursing, and that it is considered safe. I've done my own research on this since then, and she seems to be right. So that is encouraging to me, because honestly, I'm ready to feel less anxious again and I KNOW what a difference Lexapro can make for me. Of course I'd so much rather NOT need it all, and am praying I won't, but it's nice to know it's an option if indeed I do struggle with post-partum depression and anxiety. Suffering through it while pregnant is one thing, but I really don't want to risk not enjoying every possible moment with this baby, after all we've gone through to get him.

There's more to say (isn't there always), but this is plenty long for now. Here's hoping for a week filled with lots of baby movements to help this anxious mama relax!

29 weeks... How did THAT happen?!

How far along? 29 weeks today. Whoa.

 

Total weight gain: 15-20 pounds, but as usual, I'm not sure.

Maternity clothes? Yes, and I may never go back to normal clothes again. Give me all stretchy, all the time. Only downfall is no pockets.

Stretch marks? No, but I am developing some really  serious bright blue veins pretty much all over everywhere, including my stomach. It looks crazy. And I have one particularly nasty vein on the left side of my belly that I'm afraid is there to stay. Apparently I accidentally did one of my nightly Lovenox shots right smack in the middle of that vein, and it bled forever. Then, the next day that same vein was very dark and prominent, with a red circle in the middle where the shot went in. And it's only gotten uglier since then. I am not amused. 

But seriously, it's all worth it.
 

Sleep? I think I cursed myself a couple weeks back when I told someone I didn't have the usual pregnancy night issues of having to pee multiple times and not being able to sleep. Literally within a week of that conversation the night peeing started, and with it the inability to fall back asleep. I now sleep like crap, but I'm ok with it. Again, worth it.

Best moment this week? Feeling/seeing him shift around in there. He must be getting BIG because the movements feel different... just heavier and more noticeable than before. Other good moments have been in talking to my students about the baby when they ask. I didn't expect them to be so interested, but they are, and it's cute.
 

Miss Anything? Lately, I do miss having a nice beer out with my husband, or a glass of wine in my pj's at home. And running. But I don't really miss them as much as I just look forward to partaking in them again in December. And I don't miss what they meant to me before (I kind of got to where I viewed them as consolation prizes for failed cycles), which was pretty much every other 2 weeks as I waited to ovulate. I know I'll reach that point again, and I already dread it. For now though, I'm trying to just enjoy being pregnant as much as is possible with my anxiety, and honestly, I don't REALLY miss any of the stuff I can't have.

Movement? Yes, finally a bit more regularly throughout the day, though he still follows no patterns that I can discern. I love his twists and shifts though, and am dreading his next "quiet spell", which he is bound to have. Usually after an active 5 days or so, he'll slow way down and probably just grow and sleep for a few days. I hate it though, as it's always when I panic that something is wrong. For now though, he's being nice and active for me, and I love every second of it. Lots of hiccups too, which are the cutest thing ever (and getting stronger!).

Food cravings? I'm back on the sweet stuff: ice cream and candy...though I try to have them sparingly! I had a scare there when I failed my glucose test and had to return for the 3 hour test last Saturday, and thought I might have to swear off sugar for the remainder of the pregnancy. But luckily I passed the 2nd test and am now free and clear to indulge at will.

Anything making you queasy or sick? I still loathe toothpaste.

Labor Signs? No braxton hicks yet, or anything of the sort, thankfully.

Symptoms? Tired, night trips to the bathroom, somewhat sore lower back at times, round ligament pain in my lower abdomen when I take walks, a million and one veins showing up on my body...

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I don't think it'll be long now. Honestly, it just looks creepy at this point.

Wedding rings on or off?  On. Still no swelling.

Happy or Moody most of the time? Happier than I've been for most of the pregnancy, probably due to many factors: more movement; being back to school and liking the kids/my job; NOT having to see my OB for a while now as I've had appointments with other (nicer) doctors instead; passing the 28 week point where I now know he has really good chance of being just fine if he were to come early; loving the fall weather; feeling like December is no longer a lifetime away; and various other good things going on (my brother is getting his kidney transplant in one month!). Of course that is today, and I know full well tomorrow I might be a mess (especially if the little guy enters one of his quiet phases).

Looking forward to? My next appointment this Thursday with the nurse-midwife at my office, who I've heard is incredibly wonderful and nice. I'm also looking forward to my 2 baby showers coming up (I think I'm ok with it, which is huge). One is October 13th here in town, and the other will be the 27th downstate where we lived before. I'm really looking forward to both, though I know I'll struggle with them at the same time. More on that later.

Ureter update: At the 27 week ultrasound his ureter issue was cleared as no longer being an issue. Hooray! I am so happy about that. All looked good, and if I hadn't freaked out about the clenched fists thing a day later, there would have been no reason to ever worry. I'm over that now, as I already wrote about. I drive myself crazy sometimes.

 I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I want to do that (this is mostly for myself to have the progress documented):

28 weeks

28 weeks from front

28 weeks and a few days

29 weeks

29 weeks, up close and personal with the little man

This guy had a birthday recently :)

So maybe he'll just be a boxer...

School is kicking my butt.

No really, it's not that bad at all and most of the time I'm actually really enjoying being back. But I am dead-tired by the end of the day, and can't seem to do much but lay around on the couch from the time I get home until bed. On the plus side though, the days/weeks are already flying by, and that's awesome.

I'm 28 weeks as of Tuesday, and that means I'm officially in the 3rd trimester. That is something I truly thought I'd never get to say. Actually, it still doesn't feel real to me.

As reassuring as that is, I had a rough few days starting last weekend when I wrote about my clenched fists fear. I am now doing much better about that, but I really feel like I reached a low point during that whole ordeal (was it even an ordeal, or did I just create something to worry about?). I think it's b/c after reading so much about the clenched hands thing online (I really want to swear off the internet for all-things baby, but know I'll never follow through), and realizing there was very little GOOD to be said about that tendency, my sweet baby boy decided it was good time to take one of his quiet spells and just stop moving for, oh, a good 5 days. Actually, he's still not moving as much as before. This all led to my rapidly growing panic, and I found that no matter what I did, prayed, or said I just could NOT shake the funk I was in. I was convinced that something was wrong with him and that we'd never get a healthy baby. Not ever. Because as I've said before, a very strong-willed part of my brain still firmly believes that healthy pregnancies and babies just don't happen to me. My body kills babies and produces crappy eggs, and that's that. Of course I want desperately to be proven wrong, and I pray every day I will be in 11.5 weeks, but that thought is just so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it's proving very difficult to change.

Anyway, after a weekend of freaking out, scaring my husband (he did his own reading on the topic and even he was shaken a bit), and getting in a fight with my mom (who is now convinced I don't even WANT to be happy or enjoy this pregnancy b/c I create shit to worry about... thanks, mom), I was really looking forward to calling the phone nurse on Monday to hopefully put my mind at ease. Only when I went to call, I got a message saying the office was closed that day due to them trying to switch everything over from paper files to electronic files. Wonderful. That just meant one more night of worrying.

Tuesday, before I got to my lunch hour when I could call, the nurse called ME to inform me that I had not passed my glucose test the week before and would need to go back in for the 3 hour follow-up test. Oh joy of joys. This was NOT what I expected at all, as I am not overweight and am about as healthy as you could be. I don't eat a lot of sugar at all and I walk every day. But still, my levels came back at 149 and apparently 140 is the limit, so it's back to the lab I go. I know this is very common and not a huge deal, it just wasn't what I expected to hear. The good news is that there is a lab that's open on Saturdays, so I don't have to take a day off work to go do this. I was most annoyed by the idea of wasting a sick day, when I'm really trying to save all of those for my maternity leave this winter! Luckily I won't have to do that, as I'll go in Saturday morning instead.

Anyway, when the nurse called, I was able to also ask her my question about the fists, and she really helped me put the issue to rest. She basically said "NO WAY, that is not true at ALL." She said it's an old wive's tale if anything, and that fists up by the face is the most common position for babies to be in during an ultrasound because it's a natural reflex for them. She said it's far LESS common to see those little hands open because that requires baby to be extremely relaxed, and usually during an ultrasound they're not. She also assured me that it is highly unlikely they wouldn't have seen other markers or indicators of a problem by this point, such as facial features, heart defects or a nuchal fold issue, and we have not seen anything out of the ordinary with him. So I felt reassured after talking to her and I think I can let this issue go, thankfully!

I have also decided his lack of movement this week is due to his awkward positioning, which I still can't really figure out. It feels like his back is pushing out on my right side, and his feet are down low, basically at the bottom of my uterus. I'm almost positive he is breech again, which is frustrating, but I don't really care so long as he's alive in there. It does mean I feel a lot less movement, and whatever I do feel is REALLY low. The whole right side of my belly is super hard and lumpy feeling, and it kind of creeps us out to think we are pushing on his little back or head when we feel my belly. And while the decreased movement is less than reassuring on a daily basis, it doesn't make me panic anymore. His heartrate is always great, and when I eat a meal and lay on my side after dinner, he does give me lots of movements... just lower than they'd normally be. I even felt hiccups again this afternoon, but it's so strange to feel those almost down to my pubic line. Flip around little guy! I want to feel his feet poking my ribs, not by lower abdomen. Hopefully 11 weeks is still enough time for him to reposition himself the right way. He IS a big boy already though, so I don't know how much longer he'll really have room for that type of flipping over.

So I am doing much better than I was at the start of the week, and I'm hoping it stays that way. I think I'm done reading the online pregnancy forums (they mostly annoy me anyway), and I will do my best to stay away from any type of Google search too. Meanwhile, I'm thankful for a job that offers a HUGE distraction and that will inevitably make this last trimester fly by! Because I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really just suck at being pregnant. :)

Sincerely,
The crazy girl

Freaking Out... Irrationally?

There is so much to write about.
Most of it is good, but with me, that one bad thing will so quickly overshadow the good that I forget the good is even there. And this "bad thing" is most likely nothing. And it makes me feel like a crazy person. But I'll get to that later.

We had our 28 week ultrasound on Thursday (actually 27 weeks, 2 days), which was the follow-up to our 20 week anatomy scan. This was to follow-up on his ureter issue, since at 20 weeks they were measuring slightly large, meaning there could have been extra fluid in them, leading into the kidneys. I was reassured enough times during the 8 week wait to not really be too concerned about this, as I was told it was very common with baby boys, and more importantly that they have NEVER seen it turn in to an actual issue with any patients within my OB's office.

So we had the scan on Thursday, and then unfortunately we couldn't see a doctor to go over the results until the next day, Friday. That's no good for an anxious person like me, and I tried to tell the tech that any information she could give us would be helpful. Well, she must have been having a bad day Thursday (why must I always catch medical professionals on their bad days? It's making me think maybe it's really me that's the problem?), because she was MUCH less caring and reassuring than she's been in the past. In fact, she told Phil that video was not permitted when he turned on the camera, when 8 weeks ago she was all about it. Weird. Then she proceeded to measure things, without really telling us what she was seeing. This is so hard for me, because I automatically associate silence with bad news. At every "bad news" ultrasound I've ever had, the tech was always silent, finally leaving to send in a doctor to tell me the bad news. So I'm pretty sure my PTSD switch flips on in these situations and I just start to prepare myself for the worst.

Well, from what I could TELL, baby boy looked good. She did finally tell us he was measuring big... in the 65th percentile, but that that's fine. They only worry if they are below the 10th or above the 90th. And honestly, I'd rather him be big than small! He is estimated to weigh 2 pounds, 10 ounces, which is again a few weeks ahead of schedule. I weighed nearly 10 lbs. at birth, so my mom and I (she was there for this too), kind of laugh at the thought that he could be a real chunker just like his mom was.

At the end, I asked her if she could tell me ANYTHING at all, and she did say "I wouldn't worry if I were you." I really appreciated that, and it allowed me to wait the 24 hours to see the doctor without worrying too much. I know they can't really tell us too much, as it's up to the doctor to do that.

The ultrasound took forever because baby boy was being stubborn. He had his back facing out, so his face was facing internally, and it was hard to get a good profile shot. He also kept his little fist up in front of his face just like he did at 20 weeks. I guess he just really did NOT want his picture taken, so we left with some images, but none of them are that great. Of course I still pour over them endlessly, taking in every little detail... because I love every chance I get to see this little boy we worked so hard to get.

My follow-up appointment yesterday (Friday) went well. This was with a new OB, a woman, and I LOVED her. She is older and kinder and just so sweet. She was very reassuring and said the ureter issue is no longer an issue at all. He is fine. He looks good. He looks healthy. (I am trying to hold on to these statements today, when my panic instinct is flaring). She found his heartbeat with the doppler in about 1 second, and then answered a few of my questions. And that was it. I left feeling good for once, probably because I had just met with a doctor who treated me like a human being. What a difference that can make! And when I go back in 2 weeks, I will see another female... actually a nurse-midwife, and I have heard such great things about her too. So I feel good about this break (maybe I can make it indefinite?) from my regular OB, and I think we both really needed it.

So here's the catch. Here's where I become a crazy person who freaks myself out, hopefully needlessly. Are you ready?

I read a forum on Baby Center that is for women due in December with Rainbow Babies. Even this is hard for me, b/c many of these women are morons who post about things like fights with their husbands and crying over spilled yogurt. I could care less. But then again, these are also women who have lost what I've lost, and are now trying to wade through the scary waters of pregnancy after miscarriage. And it's hard. And many of them really seem to get that. I would never, not in a million years, ever step "foot" in a regular pregnancy forum, b/c I know my reaction would be one of disgust and jealously over how petty and naive pregnant women can be who have never known heartache on their road to becoming a mother. I just can't go there.

Anyway, the problem arose last night, in bed, when I was reading some posts on the December Rainbow Baby forum on my Kindle Fire (aren't those supposed to be used for reading BOOKS? Oh well). I happened upon one little comment, and immediately my panic button was pushed and I was a goner. This woman was posting about how her recent ultrasound had gone well for various reasons, one of which was that the doctor noted her baby opening and closing her little hands. In other words, her baby's hands were not clenched. Red flag!!

At both of my ultrasounds, baby boy has firmly and stubbornly kept his hands tightly clenched and up by his face. I thought nothing of this, other than that he was probably not enjoying the sound waves from the ultrasounds and was making fists as a reflex. I had never heard that fist clenching was a marker for anything being wrong, but last night I learned that it is indeed just that. One of the major markers for many of the trisomy chromosomal disorders is a baby that won't unclench their hands. Shit. Shit!! I immediately started to panic... and search Dr. Google, which as we all know is usually a great plan. Cue the rapid heartrate and tears of panic. I have never seen my baby wave to me on the ultrasound, as so many mention. I have never even seen him MOVE his little fists away from his face. Is this bad? Is there something wrong with him? Why doesn't he open his hands like he's supposed to? Is it just a reflex to him not liking ultrasounds, or is it something more major than that? It could be trisomy, or it could be another neurological disorder.

It sounds so stupid and irrational. So he has had his hands in fists for 2 ultrasounds? So what? But once you read enough times that many doctors take this seriously and will usually do a follow-up to make sure they CAN and DO open their hands, it's easy to start to panic. But why didn't MY doctor, either time, even mention this to me? Are they not looking at my charts/sono pics very carefully? I've met with different doctors, neither of them my real OB, after both ultrasounds, and I'm sure neither spent too long looking at the images of my sweet baby boy. And I am worried. And of course it's a Saturday, and I can't call the office.

Can anyone tell me if you have any experience with this? Have you had ultrasounds where your baby's hands were clenched in fists, and the doctor never mentioned it? Should I be worried, or am I just creating things to worry about?

I see the nurse-midwife on September 20th, and I suppose I can try to wait and talk to her about it then. I'd like to ask for another ultrasound at some point, just to make sure he CAN in fact open his hands up. But then what if he doesn't? I might worry even more.

I really hate this. This morning I told my husband that this immediately sends me back to my deep-set fear that of course this could never work out for us. Of COURSE we won't end up with a healthy baby, because that just doesn't happen to us. I have shitty-quality eggs and he has less than perfect sperm, so how could we expect a perfectly healthy baby? And then I start to get angry again. So angry. If we end up with a baby who has issues, of course I will love it no matter what, but seriously? Isn't it time for something to go RIGHT for us? Can't we just have this one little miracle? Basically, and I know this all sounds crazy, my anger issues towards God immediately bubble to the surface. Where is he in all of this? I still don't know. Where is the peace I pray so much more? Maybe I don't deserve it anymore. Ugh.

It is truly amazing to me how quickly I fall back into this pessimistic pattern. All over little clenched fists, which could admittedly be perfectly normal! I miss Lexapro. I miss my innocence. I want to be naive and just believe that my baby will make it and be just fine. I want to be normal.

12 more weeks? How can I get through that? I just want to meet this baby. I just want him to be ok. Please God, please let him be healthy both physically and mentally. Please.

And I apologize for the melodrama, but this is where I am this Saturday morning. I can't call the nurse line b/c it's the weekend, and I have nowhere else to turn. I will try to pray away my anxieties. I will work on staying busy. I will enjoy the little kicks from baby boy, and work on imagining him opening and closing his hands in there. Ultrasounds are only brief moments in time, right? They don't show the whole picture.

Of course I planned all week to write about school and the craziness of going back. I also planned to write about the survival's guilt I feel every time I'm in the waiting room at my OB's office, but both of those topics will have to wait for another time. Happy weekend, friends!