29 weeks... How did THAT happen?!

How far along? 29 weeks today. Whoa.

 

Total weight gain: 15-20 pounds, but as usual, I'm not sure.

Maternity clothes? Yes, and I may never go back to normal clothes again. Give me all stretchy, all the time. Only downfall is no pockets.

Stretch marks? No, but I am developing some really  serious bright blue veins pretty much all over everywhere, including my stomach. It looks crazy. And I have one particularly nasty vein on the left side of my belly that I'm afraid is there to stay. Apparently I accidentally did one of my nightly Lovenox shots right smack in the middle of that vein, and it bled forever. Then, the next day that same vein was very dark and prominent, with a red circle in the middle where the shot went in. And it's only gotten uglier since then. I am not amused. 

But seriously, it's all worth it.
 

Sleep? I think I cursed myself a couple weeks back when I told someone I didn't have the usual pregnancy night issues of having to pee multiple times and not being able to sleep. Literally within a week of that conversation the night peeing started, and with it the inability to fall back asleep. I now sleep like crap, but I'm ok with it. Again, worth it.

Best moment this week? Feeling/seeing him shift around in there. He must be getting BIG because the movements feel different... just heavier and more noticeable than before. Other good moments have been in talking to my students about the baby when they ask. I didn't expect them to be so interested, but they are, and it's cute.
 

Miss Anything? Lately, I do miss having a nice beer out with my husband, or a glass of wine in my pj's at home. And running. But I don't really miss them as much as I just look forward to partaking in them again in December. And I don't miss what they meant to me before (I kind of got to where I viewed them as consolation prizes for failed cycles), which was pretty much every other 2 weeks as I waited to ovulate. I know I'll reach that point again, and I already dread it. For now though, I'm trying to just enjoy being pregnant as much as is possible with my anxiety, and honestly, I don't REALLY miss any of the stuff I can't have.

Movement? Yes, finally a bit more regularly throughout the day, though he still follows no patterns that I can discern. I love his twists and shifts though, and am dreading his next "quiet spell", which he is bound to have. Usually after an active 5 days or so, he'll slow way down and probably just grow and sleep for a few days. I hate it though, as it's always when I panic that something is wrong. For now though, he's being nice and active for me, and I love every second of it. Lots of hiccups too, which are the cutest thing ever (and getting stronger!).

Food cravings? I'm back on the sweet stuff: ice cream and candy...though I try to have them sparingly! I had a scare there when I failed my glucose test and had to return for the 3 hour test last Saturday, and thought I might have to swear off sugar for the remainder of the pregnancy. But luckily I passed the 2nd test and am now free and clear to indulge at will.

Anything making you queasy or sick? I still loathe toothpaste.

Labor Signs? No braxton hicks yet, or anything of the sort, thankfully.

Symptoms? Tired, night trips to the bathroom, somewhat sore lower back at times, round ligament pain in my lower abdomen when I take walks, a million and one veins showing up on my body...

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I don't think it'll be long now. Honestly, it just looks creepy at this point.

Wedding rings on or off?  On. Still no swelling.

Happy or Moody most of the time? Happier than I've been for most of the pregnancy, probably due to many factors: more movement; being back to school and liking the kids/my job; NOT having to see my OB for a while now as I've had appointments with other (nicer) doctors instead; passing the 28 week point where I now know he has really good chance of being just fine if he were to come early; loving the fall weather; feeling like December is no longer a lifetime away; and various other good things going on (my brother is getting his kidney transplant in one month!). Of course that is today, and I know full well tomorrow I might be a mess (especially if the little guy enters one of his quiet phases).

Looking forward to? My next appointment this Thursday with the nurse-midwife at my office, who I've heard is incredibly wonderful and nice. I'm also looking forward to my 2 baby showers coming up (I think I'm ok with it, which is huge). One is October 13th here in town, and the other will be the 27th downstate where we lived before. I'm really looking forward to both, though I know I'll struggle with them at the same time. More on that later.

Ureter update: At the 27 week ultrasound his ureter issue was cleared as no longer being an issue. Hooray! I am so happy about that. All looked good, and if I hadn't freaked out about the clenched fists thing a day later, there would have been no reason to ever worry. I'm over that now, as I already wrote about. I drive myself crazy sometimes.

 I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I want to do that (this is mostly for myself to have the progress documented):

28 weeks

28 weeks from front

28 weeks and a few days

29 weeks

29 weeks, up close and personal with the little man

This guy had a birthday recently :)

So maybe he'll just be a boxer...

School is kicking my butt.

No really, it's not that bad at all and most of the time I'm actually really enjoying being back. But I am dead-tired by the end of the day, and can't seem to do much but lay around on the couch from the time I get home until bed. On the plus side though, the days/weeks are already flying by, and that's awesome.

I'm 28 weeks as of Tuesday, and that means I'm officially in the 3rd trimester. That is something I truly thought I'd never get to say. Actually, it still doesn't feel real to me.

As reassuring as that is, I had a rough few days starting last weekend when I wrote about my clenched fists fear. I am now doing much better about that, but I really feel like I reached a low point during that whole ordeal (was it even an ordeal, or did I just create something to worry about?). I think it's b/c after reading so much about the clenched hands thing online (I really want to swear off the internet for all-things baby, but know I'll never follow through), and realizing there was very little GOOD to be said about that tendency, my sweet baby boy decided it was good time to take one of his quiet spells and just stop moving for, oh, a good 5 days. Actually, he's still not moving as much as before. This all led to my rapidly growing panic, and I found that no matter what I did, prayed, or said I just could NOT shake the funk I was in. I was convinced that something was wrong with him and that we'd never get a healthy baby. Not ever. Because as I've said before, a very strong-willed part of my brain still firmly believes that healthy pregnancies and babies just don't happen to me. My body kills babies and produces crappy eggs, and that's that. Of course I want desperately to be proven wrong, and I pray every day I will be in 11.5 weeks, but that thought is just so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it's proving very difficult to change.

Anyway, after a weekend of freaking out, scaring my husband (he did his own reading on the topic and even he was shaken a bit), and getting in a fight with my mom (who is now convinced I don't even WANT to be happy or enjoy this pregnancy b/c I create shit to worry about... thanks, mom), I was really looking forward to calling the phone nurse on Monday to hopefully put my mind at ease. Only when I went to call, I got a message saying the office was closed that day due to them trying to switch everything over from paper files to electronic files. Wonderful. That just meant one more night of worrying.

Tuesday, before I got to my lunch hour when I could call, the nurse called ME to inform me that I had not passed my glucose test the week before and would need to go back in for the 3 hour follow-up test. Oh joy of joys. This was NOT what I expected at all, as I am not overweight and am about as healthy as you could be. I don't eat a lot of sugar at all and I walk every day. But still, my levels came back at 149 and apparently 140 is the limit, so it's back to the lab I go. I know this is very common and not a huge deal, it just wasn't what I expected to hear. The good news is that there is a lab that's open on Saturdays, so I don't have to take a day off work to go do this. I was most annoyed by the idea of wasting a sick day, when I'm really trying to save all of those for my maternity leave this winter! Luckily I won't have to do that, as I'll go in Saturday morning instead.

Anyway, when the nurse called, I was able to also ask her my question about the fists, and she really helped me put the issue to rest. She basically said "NO WAY, that is not true at ALL." She said it's an old wive's tale if anything, and that fists up by the face is the most common position for babies to be in during an ultrasound because it's a natural reflex for them. She said it's far LESS common to see those little hands open because that requires baby to be extremely relaxed, and usually during an ultrasound they're not. She also assured me that it is highly unlikely they wouldn't have seen other markers or indicators of a problem by this point, such as facial features, heart defects or a nuchal fold issue, and we have not seen anything out of the ordinary with him. So I felt reassured after talking to her and I think I can let this issue go, thankfully!

I have also decided his lack of movement this week is due to his awkward positioning, which I still can't really figure out. It feels like his back is pushing out on my right side, and his feet are down low, basically at the bottom of my uterus. I'm almost positive he is breech again, which is frustrating, but I don't really care so long as he's alive in there. It does mean I feel a lot less movement, and whatever I do feel is REALLY low. The whole right side of my belly is super hard and lumpy feeling, and it kind of creeps us out to think we are pushing on his little back or head when we feel my belly. And while the decreased movement is less than reassuring on a daily basis, it doesn't make me panic anymore. His heartrate is always great, and when I eat a meal and lay on my side after dinner, he does give me lots of movements... just lower than they'd normally be. I even felt hiccups again this afternoon, but it's so strange to feel those almost down to my pubic line. Flip around little guy! I want to feel his feet poking my ribs, not by lower abdomen. Hopefully 11 weeks is still enough time for him to reposition himself the right way. He IS a big boy already though, so I don't know how much longer he'll really have room for that type of flipping over.

So I am doing much better than I was at the start of the week, and I'm hoping it stays that way. I think I'm done reading the online pregnancy forums (they mostly annoy me anyway), and I will do my best to stay away from any type of Google search too. Meanwhile, I'm thankful for a job that offers a HUGE distraction and that will inevitably make this last trimester fly by! Because I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really just suck at being pregnant. :)

Sincerely,
The crazy girl

Freaking Out... Irrationally?

There is so much to write about.
Most of it is good, but with me, that one bad thing will so quickly overshadow the good that I forget the good is even there. And this "bad thing" is most likely nothing. And it makes me feel like a crazy person. But I'll get to that later.

We had our 28 week ultrasound on Thursday (actually 27 weeks, 2 days), which was the follow-up to our 20 week anatomy scan. This was to follow-up on his ureter issue, since at 20 weeks they were measuring slightly large, meaning there could have been extra fluid in them, leading into the kidneys. I was reassured enough times during the 8 week wait to not really be too concerned about this, as I was told it was very common with baby boys, and more importantly that they have NEVER seen it turn in to an actual issue with any patients within my OB's office.

So we had the scan on Thursday, and then unfortunately we couldn't see a doctor to go over the results until the next day, Friday. That's no good for an anxious person like me, and I tried to tell the tech that any information she could give us would be helpful. Well, she must have been having a bad day Thursday (why must I always catch medical professionals on their bad days? It's making me think maybe it's really me that's the problem?), because she was MUCH less caring and reassuring than she's been in the past. In fact, she told Phil that video was not permitted when he turned on the camera, when 8 weeks ago she was all about it. Weird. Then she proceeded to measure things, without really telling us what she was seeing. This is so hard for me, because I automatically associate silence with bad news. At every "bad news" ultrasound I've ever had, the tech was always silent, finally leaving to send in a doctor to tell me the bad news. So I'm pretty sure my PTSD switch flips on in these situations and I just start to prepare myself for the worst.

Well, from what I could TELL, baby boy looked good. She did finally tell us he was measuring big... in the 65th percentile, but that that's fine. They only worry if they are below the 10th or above the 90th. And honestly, I'd rather him be big than small! He is estimated to weigh 2 pounds, 10 ounces, which is again a few weeks ahead of schedule. I weighed nearly 10 lbs. at birth, so my mom and I (she was there for this too), kind of laugh at the thought that he could be a real chunker just like his mom was.

At the end, I asked her if she could tell me ANYTHING at all, and she did say "I wouldn't worry if I were you." I really appreciated that, and it allowed me to wait the 24 hours to see the doctor without worrying too much. I know they can't really tell us too much, as it's up to the doctor to do that.

The ultrasound took forever because baby boy was being stubborn. He had his back facing out, so his face was facing internally, and it was hard to get a good profile shot. He also kept his little fist up in front of his face just like he did at 20 weeks. I guess he just really did NOT want his picture taken, so we left with some images, but none of them are that great. Of course I still pour over them endlessly, taking in every little detail... because I love every chance I get to see this little boy we worked so hard to get.

My follow-up appointment yesterday (Friday) went well. This was with a new OB, a woman, and I LOVED her. She is older and kinder and just so sweet. She was very reassuring and said the ureter issue is no longer an issue at all. He is fine. He looks good. He looks healthy. (I am trying to hold on to these statements today, when my panic instinct is flaring). She found his heartbeat with the doppler in about 1 second, and then answered a few of my questions. And that was it. I left feeling good for once, probably because I had just met with a doctor who treated me like a human being. What a difference that can make! And when I go back in 2 weeks, I will see another female... actually a nurse-midwife, and I have heard such great things about her too. So I feel good about this break (maybe I can make it indefinite?) from my regular OB, and I think we both really needed it.

So here's the catch. Here's where I become a crazy person who freaks myself out, hopefully needlessly. Are you ready?

I read a forum on Baby Center that is for women due in December with Rainbow Babies. Even this is hard for me, b/c many of these women are morons who post about things like fights with their husbands and crying over spilled yogurt. I could care less. But then again, these are also women who have lost what I've lost, and are now trying to wade through the scary waters of pregnancy after miscarriage. And it's hard. And many of them really seem to get that. I would never, not in a million years, ever step "foot" in a regular pregnancy forum, b/c I know my reaction would be one of disgust and jealously over how petty and naive pregnant women can be who have never known heartache on their road to becoming a mother. I just can't go there.

Anyway, the problem arose last night, in bed, when I was reading some posts on the December Rainbow Baby forum on my Kindle Fire (aren't those supposed to be used for reading BOOKS? Oh well). I happened upon one little comment, and immediately my panic button was pushed and I was a goner. This woman was posting about how her recent ultrasound had gone well for various reasons, one of which was that the doctor noted her baby opening and closing her little hands. In other words, her baby's hands were not clenched. Red flag!!

At both of my ultrasounds, baby boy has firmly and stubbornly kept his hands tightly clenched and up by his face. I thought nothing of this, other than that he was probably not enjoying the sound waves from the ultrasounds and was making fists as a reflex. I had never heard that fist clenching was a marker for anything being wrong, but last night I learned that it is indeed just that. One of the major markers for many of the trisomy chromosomal disorders is a baby that won't unclench their hands. Shit. Shit!! I immediately started to panic... and search Dr. Google, which as we all know is usually a great plan. Cue the rapid heartrate and tears of panic. I have never seen my baby wave to me on the ultrasound, as so many mention. I have never even seen him MOVE his little fists away from his face. Is this bad? Is there something wrong with him? Why doesn't he open his hands like he's supposed to? Is it just a reflex to him not liking ultrasounds, or is it something more major than that? It could be trisomy, or it could be another neurological disorder.

It sounds so stupid and irrational. So he has had his hands in fists for 2 ultrasounds? So what? But once you read enough times that many doctors take this seriously and will usually do a follow-up to make sure they CAN and DO open their hands, it's easy to start to panic. But why didn't MY doctor, either time, even mention this to me? Are they not looking at my charts/sono pics very carefully? I've met with different doctors, neither of them my real OB, after both ultrasounds, and I'm sure neither spent too long looking at the images of my sweet baby boy. And I am worried. And of course it's a Saturday, and I can't call the office.

Can anyone tell me if you have any experience with this? Have you had ultrasounds where your baby's hands were clenched in fists, and the doctor never mentioned it? Should I be worried, or am I just creating things to worry about?

I see the nurse-midwife on September 20th, and I suppose I can try to wait and talk to her about it then. I'd like to ask for another ultrasound at some point, just to make sure he CAN in fact open his hands up. But then what if he doesn't? I might worry even more.

I really hate this. This morning I told my husband that this immediately sends me back to my deep-set fear that of course this could never work out for us. Of COURSE we won't end up with a healthy baby, because that just doesn't happen to us. I have shitty-quality eggs and he has less than perfect sperm, so how could we expect a perfectly healthy baby? And then I start to get angry again. So angry. If we end up with a baby who has issues, of course I will love it no matter what, but seriously? Isn't it time for something to go RIGHT for us? Can't we just have this one little miracle? Basically, and I know this all sounds crazy, my anger issues towards God immediately bubble to the surface. Where is he in all of this? I still don't know. Where is the peace I pray so much more? Maybe I don't deserve it anymore. Ugh.

It is truly amazing to me how quickly I fall back into this pessimistic pattern. All over little clenched fists, which could admittedly be perfectly normal! I miss Lexapro. I miss my innocence. I want to be naive and just believe that my baby will make it and be just fine. I want to be normal.

12 more weeks? How can I get through that? I just want to meet this baby. I just want him to be ok. Please God, please let him be healthy both physically and mentally. Please.

And I apologize for the melodrama, but this is where I am this Saturday morning. I can't call the nurse line b/c it's the weekend, and I have nowhere else to turn. I will try to pray away my anxieties. I will work on staying busy. I will enjoy the little kicks from baby boy, and work on imagining him opening and closing his hands in there. Ultrasounds are only brief moments in time, right? They don't show the whole picture.

Of course I planned all week to write about school and the craziness of going back. I also planned to write about the survival's guilt I feel every time I'm in the waiting room at my OB's office, but both of those topics will have to wait for another time. Happy weekend, friends!

Back to work = back to awkward (and pictures)

Today was our first full day back with the entire staff of my high school. We had a lovely 7.5 hours of sitting on our butts for professional development that exactly zero of us will remember this school year as we are teaching, but that's beside the point. It was, of course, mind-numingly boring. It was also incredibly awkward for this pregnant gal who doesn't exactly do well with the usual banter surrounding pregnancy. I guess I still tend to forget that others can really tell I'm pregnant now, so I'm still somehow taken off guard when people I rarely talk to come up and start asking about my personal life. I mean, I only started at this school a year go when we moved up here from downstate, so there are literally some people on our gigantic staff I have never yet had a conversation with. Until today.

When we left school last June, I was 14 weeks pregnant and still hiding it very well. Very few people knew I was even pregnant. So yeah, I get that me showing up now suddenly 26 weeks pregnant might be shocker to some of these people, but I guess I just never realized how much complete strangers would want to TALK about my pregnancy with me. And I wasn't prepared for that. I was probably asked if this was my first pregnancy a minimum of 10 times day, and that's a question I still don't know how to answer. I hate saying "yes" because it's a lie. I also hate it because I feel like it imparts a false sense of what this pregnancy means to me: I am not just your average pregnant girl who decided it was time to have a baby and then whoops, here it is in my belly. And I feel like when I answer with a simple "yes," that's the idea I give off. That probably  has to do with the reactions I get, which all seem to be so excited and HAPPY for me... and I have a hard time mirroring those emotions in that moment where I am really thinking to myself, "No, this is my 3rd baby, but to the world, it's the first that really matters." And I hate that. I hate that I don't get to share my other 2 babies' lives with anyone, and that for all intents and purposes, it's like they never happened. It makes me sad. And yet, it's not something I can bring up with well-meaning strangers who only mean the very best in congratulating me on my  "first" pregnancy. But it leaves me feeling conflicted.

Actually, I did give my occasional answer to one person today, which is to smile and say, "Well, it's our first pregnancy to get this far, so we are very excited." And I leave it that, just assuming they can figure the rest out. Ending it on a positive note (that we're really excited) gives the listener an out, so that they don't even have acknowledge the first part of my answer (that it's our first one to get this far) if they don't want to. And they usually don't. This coworker did kind of acknowledge it with something along the lines of "Oh, wow, well that's wonderful then." And then I quickly changed the subject to ask about her daughter who just born last April.

I feel bad because this is a woman happened to bring her newborn baby to the staff lunchroom last spring for her first visit on the same day I was convinced my then 8 weeks pregnant self was going to miscarry. I was a mess that day and was just biding my time until our first ultrasound that afternoon, which I had scheduled in a panic that morning since my nausea had all but disappeared... I was SURE it was over. So when she walked in with her fresh out of the oven darling daughter that day, I lost it. I don't think I was too obvious, but while everyone else was oohing and aaahing, I swiftly ran out of the room and barely made it to the hallway before bursting into tears. I couldn't believe the timing of it all... that on that day when I was sure my world was about to be crushed for the 3rd time, she would choose to bring in this beautiful specimen of the very thing I thought my body could not do.

Thankfully, of course, I was wrong that day and that 8 week ultrasound showed us a baby who was actually doing very well at 2 days ahead of schedule for growth. Oh how quickly I am able to convince myself of the worst. I did it at 8 weeks, and I can still do it at 26. 

I truly hope she didn't notice my theatrics that day, but even if she did, maybe after today she'll understand why I acted the way I did...

And then, bless her heart, today she proceeded to tell me that if I wanted, she could bring me in a bunch of baby stuff that they didn't need anymore. This was their 2nd baby, and since they didn't know the gender before she was born, they had purchased a bunch of gender neutral stuff in case it was a boy (#1 was a girl). When they ended up with a 2nd daughter, she said they'd ended up just using all of the girl stuff they already had. So she basically offered me a lot of brand-new items (bedding, a bouncy chair, etc.) after what was pretty much our first conversation ever... after I ran out of the room crying when she brought her daughter to visit last year (and secretly I was probably incredibly bitter towards her at the time for having just succeeded in her second pregnancy). I feel like a schmuck. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

Anyway, I truly hope it never sounds as if I am complaining about this pregnancy. Because I assure you, I am not. I have never been more thankful for anything in all my life. I write all of this simply in an attempt to try to express the awkwardness of trying to act like the "normal pregnant lady" we all know I will never be. I'm terrible at it, and I fear I come off as uncaring or apathetic towards this baby to people who don't really know me. I mean, it's just hard for me to muster the enthusiasm that seems to be expected of me at this point, because I still feel like a phony and a liar. And it's not that I'm NOT excited, because I definitely am, it's just that along with that excitement is the ever-present fear and cautiousness that comes courtesy of a history of loss and heartache. And you just can't explain all of that mess in the 10 seconds most people want to devote to their small-talk back to school conversations with you. So instead, I just did my best to put on a smile and pretend all is bright and merry in the land of my pregnancy... and really, that's how I wish it was anyway, so maybe pretending isn't that bad.

I feel like a broken record when I write about this stuff. Probably because I am.

On a much happier note, all of that awkwardness no longer mattered to me today as I sat there for all 7.5 hours of PD, because for ONCE this baby boy decided to get some exercise and was moving all over the place. I like to think he could sense my vulnerability after all of those false conversations, and so he decided to give me some extra reassurance that he's really in there, growing away just like he should be. I probably looked like a moron smiling at my belly all afternoon, but that sure beat staring at boring powerpoints instead. So that was definitely a highlight of the day.

And the other HUGE highlight, is that we finally found out today that my brother's friend has been approved to donate a kidney to him. This is miraculous news!! He really needs his transplant SOON, and UofM was taking ages (seriously, about 6 weeks) to make their final decision about his friend getting to donate or not. I am just so happy for him.

I know not many people read this blog, but please know that those of you that do (that I am aware of anyway) are in my prayers every single day on my walks. Even though God and I are in a weird, blurry place right now, I haven't stopped praying. And I don't think I ever will. I am praying for many babies in the coming year (a year for me starts with school in September :).

And finally, I want to leave with some recent pictures:

24 weeks (I had my hair cut this day and she curled my hair... I am never that put together on my own!)

25 weeks

26 weeks

26 from the front (looks super creepy to me)

Belly-blue... aka, my baby girl

She lays like this and I find it slightly inappropriate. Still cute though.

Candid shot of my love, from my usual angle while laying on the couch. :)

The Mr.

Today was a day

It was a day alright, and a very emotionally-charged day at that. It started with me waking up, trying to ignore the fact that Nolan still wasn't moving in any way I could notice. I lasted pretty well until just before Phil left for work, at which point we did the doppler for the fourth time in the last 24 hours (that's a new record). All was well with his heartbeat, so I tried to go about my morning and not worry so much.

At 10:25 I had my appointment with my OB, which I was both eager for and dreading all at once. I prayed quite a bit that we could have a good appointment and that he could be reassuring and patient with me. That didn't happen. After arriving early and sitting in my car for a good 5 minutes just holding my belly and praying for movement (no such luck), I was a nervous wreck by the time I got to the waiting area. I tried to read a magazine, but could feel tears welling up and knew I was going to cry if they didn't take me back there soon. I think more than feeling scared I was just frustrated at that point. Why, of all the pregnant women in the world, am I the one to get the baby who just up and stops moving for three days straight? Why couldn't this happen to the girl who didn't WANT to be pregnant to begin with and therefore pays no attention to her body anyway? It is definitely a "woe is me" sentiment, because really in the end, if he's healthy and I bring him home, none of this will matter one iota. It's just that right now, in the heat of the moment, it's damn HARD not to jump to the worst case scenario.

                   

Please don't take this to mean I am not infinitely grateful to be here in this situation. I know I am lucky to even BE pregnant and that it's a bonafide miracle we've made it this far, given our history. It's just that for someone who has anxiety to the 100th degree, it sure would be nice to have a reassuring baby who couldn't STOP moving all day long. But alas, that does not appear to be my son. And I am trying to be ok with that.

The appointment itself was, well, horrible. I truly believe that at this point my OB can't stand the sight of me, and he hardly even tries to ACT like he has any patience left to deal with the woman who is apparently the biggest ball of anxiety he's ever met. The appointment was awkward and far too quiet: He hardly said a thing to me. He did the doppler (big deal, I can do that at home), and after I explained my concerns regarding Nolan's lack of movement, he proceeded to place his hands on my belly and then just sit there for at least 5 minutes, not saying a word. No small talk, no reassurances, nothing. Finally, he said "I'm feeling some movements with my left hand. Put your hands here." So I did, and then I waited, but I didn't feel a single thing. If he was moving, these were NOT the same types of movements we have come to know and love as of late. I mean it when I say, I didn't feel a thing.

At that point he got up (again, without saying anything to me) and walked out. He came back in and said, "Let's go across the hall." I assumed we were going to do an ultrasound (yay), but then again, as he wasn't talking to me at that point, I really didn't know.

Turns out I was right, and he went about getting the ultrasound set up in a room where another girl was having some sort of non-stress test done (awkward, as I've never done an ultrasound in a shared room). Silently, he turned on the machine and found what I imagined was my baby on the screen, though I finally had to ask what it was we were looking at, as I really couldn't tell. Have I mentioned he's not the greatest at ultrasounds? He actually admitted that today, which I did appreciate. Anyway, when I asked what I was seeing he said, "That's a femur."

Um, ok, awesome. I feel SO much better now that I have seen my son's freaking LEG bone. Thanks so much. Seriously?

He continued moving the wand around my belly, which is when he told me, "He's in a breeched position right now, so his head's up here."

No other explanation offered, so I asked, "Um, well, do I need to worry about that at this point?" He said I didn't and that it was early enough that he could still turn around, but again, no real reassurance there. Just matter of fact.

I asked if we could see his face (isn't that all we really want to see?), and he did find his little silhouette, which made me smile despite my anger at how I was being treated. Nolan's little profile looked adorable, and that's the image I'm trying to carry with me through the rest of today. Oh, and he WAS moving around quite a bit through the whole thing, so I guess I really just can't feel his every move yet. I don't know why sometimes I seem to feel every little twinge, and then other times I can't feel a single kick, but I guess that's just how it is.

As my doc was clearly starting to finish up, I asked, "So is he still measuring as he should be?"

To which he responded, "Oh, I'm not even going to do measurements today because you come back for another big ultrasound in a few weeks."

Me: "Oh, ok. But does he look ok to you? You're not concerned about anything?"

Him: "No, I'm not. *Audible sigh*... And I wish I could convince you not to worry about it either."

The bottom line is, I think he's done trying to reassure me. Because let's be honest, I'm still going to find something to worry about anyway, right? So why even try to calm my fears or even be civil to me at this point? Clearly he sees no point in that, and I feel he has basically written me off as a lost cause. And it pisses me off a LOT. I leave these appointments feeling like shit and like I'm a huge nuisance. And then I cry. Because I'm sorry, I am. I'm sorry I'm so scared of losing the most important thing to ever happen to me. I'm sorry I can't be happy-go-lucky like the rest of your patients and that you have to work a little harder than usual with me. I'm sorry I can't just take your word for it that everything will be perfect, end of story, so stop your fucking worrying already. I'm sorry. I look at the other pregnant girls in the waiting room with their confident smiles and carefree attitudes, laughing with their moms or the husbands, and believe me, I want more than anything to BE LIKE THEM. But I'm not, and I can't, and I hate it. I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can, but when I leave those shitty appointments I honestly feel like I just can't do it. I can't be how I'm supposed to be, and that's that. I'm broken and I guess there's just no fixing me at this point.

Wow, melodrama much? It's been a long, tiring day. Did I mention this was the first day pretty much all summer that I got up at 6:15 with my husband? And that's a whole hour later than it'll be once school starts. So yeah, not digging the transition back to the real world.

Luckily, my next appointment (which is a big one) will have to be with another doctor, because mine didn't have any openings (I was so broken-hearted to hear that). Unfortunately, they have to split this big appointment into 2 different days, which means after my big anatomy scan on Sept 6th to check his ureter issue amongst other things, I'll have to wait until the next day to actually meet with a doctor about the results. Oh joy. I just imagine that will be a very peaceful, worry-free 24 hours, don't you? And on that 2nd day they'll also do my glucose test and give me my Rhogam shot (b/c I'm Rh negative). Right now, I'm really just so thankful that all of this will take place with a different doctor who doesn't openly loathe me!

So that was this morning: It was great in that I got to see my baby boy and (I think?) all is well... And it was horrible at the same time b/c my doctor is a dill hole who treats me like crap and makes me feel like a worthless human being. I'm going to focus on that first part and just be happy that Nolan is alive and well, even if he IS a bit lazy on the kicking front. (Actually, wouldn't you know he has been moving more this afternoon... because that's just the way these things work).

But there was more drama to the day, oh yes. This afternoon my mom called to say she was heading to the ER due to strange infection going on with her fistula (a huge vein they created in her arm back when she was on dialysis), which was causing red, painful spots all up her arm to her chest, as well as a low-grade fever. For someone with a kidney transplant, infection is never good. In fact, it's downright scary. So there's that going on, and they are still at the hospital as I write this.

To make things worse, their beloved dog is going downhill fast (he's 14), and my dad had finally scheduled for them to take him in tomorrow to be put down. He hasn't eaten anything for 2 days, and he's getting more and more lethargic. Because of his bladder cancer, the poor thing has had to wear diapers all summer, and he's just not doing well. It's time to let him go. And that sucks. Fuji is definitely a member of our family, and one we all love dearly, no one more than my parents. I know they are heartbroken, and yet here they are having to spend the last night they have with their dog in the ER, while he's home alone. :( My mom just desperately hopes they won't have to admit her over night, because if she can't go with my dad at 8am tomorrow to say goodbye to him, I don't know what will happen... but I do know it will break her heart even more. I feel so sad for them right now.

So yeah, this has been one emotional day and I think I've already cried at least of 3 times. On the other hand, it is gorgeous outside and I got to see my son, so I have plenty to be thankful for too. Some days are just like that I guess...

Worrying

It has been a rough couple of days with anxiety, and it all has to do with baby boy's lack of movement.  It's impossible for me not to worry when his activity levels drop off so drastically, as they've done for both yesterday AND today. I mean, I have hardly felt him move at all, and I just can't help but worry. My mind automatically jumps to the worse case scenario, which is that he's gone. Then, after I use the doppler and find that he is indeed still alive, my next worry is that while he might not be dead YET, something is definitely wrong. Why isn't he moving? My fear is that something is wrong with him, either developmentally or maybe it's something having to do with the chord. Maybe he's slowing down because he's losing blood supply. I don't know WHAT is wrong, but as we are heading into the end of day TWO with barely a noticeable movement, I am finding it hard not to panic. How can a baby go from moving so much more only a few days ago, to nothing for 2 entire days? I've tried all the tricks too: drinking juice and then laying down, shining a flashlight on my belly, tapping my belly, and many other crazy things I wish I didn't have to subject him to! But none of it works. What is going ON in there?

I hope I'm crazy and that this can be normal, but everything I read on various forums makes me think that most babies are super active by 25 weeks, and that MY baby is not moving the way the rest of them are. I can't help it. I am terrified. I'm convinced that now that I've bought all of these things for him, we're going to lose him after all.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, where I'm assuming he'll tell me his usual pat answer that "every kid is different", and that my anxiety is ridiculous. I would love to have an encouraging appointment instead, where he'd maybe listen to my worries and at least try to understand where I am right now. We shall see, but I won't hold my breath. If this appointment had been a few days ago when Nolan was a lot more active, I might have actually pulled off a "normal pregnant lady" appointment, per my mom's request, but now it looks that aint gonna happen.

Please pray that Nolan is perfectly fine, and that he starts moving around like crazy SOON. Because this mama can't take much more of this off and on again game. I told my husband tonight that I can't handle this for 15 more weeks. I am a wreck. I just want to hold this baby in my arms and then bring him home with me, but on days like today I really can't believe that will actually happen.

Someone Else's Life

The song "Someone Else's Life" by Joshua Radin makes me cry every time I hear it, which is often since it's on my Ipod and frequently comes on when I'm driving around. It's a beautiful, haunting song. But it's more than that. There are many songs right now that remind me of the baby boy growing inside me, the overwhelming love I feel for him, the gripping fear of losing him and really just the awe I feel that this is actually happening. To me. In my life that had gotten so dark for so long.

This song in particular touches me because as I've already written about in other posts, I DO feel like I'm living someone else's life. I often feel like this is a dream that will only last for so long before I have to wake up and let go of the hope this baby has brought me. I feel a mixture of shyness and quiet pride about what is happening to my body right now, and often get so uncomfortable when other people take notice of my growing belly. It's like I still think no one else can really tell, but then I see my reflection somewhere and experience a small shock at the realization that no, I actually LOOK pregnant. I AM pregnant. This is real, and it's happening. To me. I have been pregnant for 25 weeks, and somehow I still can't believe it.

We took the plunge and ordered some major items this week: A crib, a bassinet, and sheet set for our baby boy. While that was scary, it still doesn't feel real to me. Maybe when it actually arrives at our door and I am forced to see the physical evidence of our baby's pending existence... maybe then it will start to feel like more of a reality? Irregardless, I'm proud of myself for making the purchases, despite the heavy fear that I would place the order only to go into pre-term labor before we ever even get the chance to assemble it. It looks like those fears are here to stay, and unless I want to wait until after our little man is born to buy what he'll need, I'm just going to have to keep working on trying to believe this really is MY life I'm living right now.

Here are the lyrics to the song, as well as a link to the video. Just imagine me singing it to my baby, and you'll get why it makes me cry. I want to meet my baby boy more than anything. Please God, let us have this baby to bring home and raise as our son.

Click here for the video: Someone Else's Life

Somehow I'm leading someone else's life
I cut a star down with my knife
And right now I still see the way the moon plays this tune
Though our nights died

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's everyday
Same way

'Cause then came you
Then there's you
I keep your picture in my worn through shoes

Then there's you
Then came you
When I'm lost I look at my picture of you

And somehow I'll make tonight our own
Show you every way I've grown since I met you

And right now I'll be the boy in your next song
I'll learn the parts and play along if you let me

My hands shake
My knees quake
It's everyday
Same way

'Cause then came you
Then there's you
I keep your picture in my worn through shoes

Then there's you
Then came you
When I'm lost I look at my picture of you

If you let me I'll show the world to you
Yes
If you let me I'll know just what to do

'Cause then came you
Then there's you
I keep you picture in my worn through shoes

When I'm lost in your eyes I see the way for me