Feeling more human and a 21 week update

Life has felt a little less heavy since getting through that not-so-great appointment on Monday. Thank you for the amazingly insightful comments from you, my only 2 readers. :) I really did read both comments out loud to my husband and my mom, because you helped me feel like it wasn't just me struggling with this, and that it's perfectly normal to feel the way I feel. I really was feeling crazy, so that meant a lot. I also had some good talks with a friend and with my mom that helped me realize I really shouldn't write my OB off just yet. He really has been so amazing and so patient with me thus far, and who knows what was going on with him on Monday? Maybe he was just having a bad day and just simply didn't have his usual patience needed to deal with a lunatic like myself. Then, I have to also remember that in the end, he's a GUY, and most guys just don't do well with female emotions most of the time. And I certainly come with a whole lot of emotional baggage that the poor man has had to tiptoe around for the last 20 weeks or so (longer really, since he had to deal with me at my worst during all of the follicle study stress before that too). And while I still don't agree that it was the right time to start talking about my risks for post-partum depression (I have enough to worry about as it is during the next 19 weeks!), I do appreciate his concern for my well-being. So I'm going to shrug it off as just a bad appointment and not let it upset me any longer.

And amazingly, I have felt far more at peace since that day, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe his harsh words were the reality check I really needed to realize that there will ALWAYS be things to worry about with this pregnancy, birth, baby, child, life, whatever, so I might as well do my best to just find ways to deal with it and live my life for today. And today, things are fine... as far as I know. I'm trying to get better at trusting Nolan is still alive in there, even when I don't feel him move (which is ALL day, most days, because the kid only moves at night).

Am I ready to go out and register for a million and one baby items? No. Am I planning my nursery out in my mind? Not yet. Do I call this baby by name and talk to him like he's already here? Yes. And that's a big one, because to me it means that I am accepting the fragile reality that this little dude might just be here to stay, and that requires me letting my self-preservation guard down in a way I never have before. It's terrifying to me, because Nolan is now my child. I know he has been since the day I first found out I was pregnant, but after losing babies you spend so much time just not believing you'll ever really get to keep one (I still think that way about 90% of the time), so it can be incredibly difficult to let that barrier down and let your heart really start to imagine life with the baby inside of you. But oh how badly I want that life to happen.

And when Nolan gives a little kick, which is NOT that often yet, unfortunately, I smile with a happiness I have never known before. I have a baby inside of me who is now officially big enough to make his presence known without the use of a doppler (which I admit I still use almost daily, b/c well, he just doesn't move enough yet to really reassure me) or a sonogram machine. It's a beautiful thing, and I'm so thankful that my husband has even been able to feel his little nudges through my stomach a couple of times so far too. Each time he's felt it, he audibly gasps. It's amazing and I'm so thankful for these moments because I think I really truly believed I would never get to experience them. And yet, somehow, here I am...

Switching gears...I haven't done one of these updates in a while, so I'm going to do one now, mostly so I can look back and remember some of the details I'm sure to forget:

 

How Far Along:  21 weeks, 1 day

Size of Baby: According to books, about 7 inches long and 11 ounces in weight, though Nolan was estimated to already weigh 11 ounces at our 19 week, 2 day ultrasound, so I'd imagine he's a little bigger than that by now. :)

Weight Gain: Again, I'm not really sure. I was up to 144 at Monday's appointment, and I "think" I started out around 135, so roughly 9 or 10 pounds? I feel like all I do is eat though, so I'm really surprised it's not more.

Belly: I think it's growing, though it's really hard to tell when you see it every single day. It definitely FEELS fuller and heavier, if that makes sense. Sometimes if I eat too large of a meal, it's so painfully full and bloated and rock hard that I literally feel like I am going to explode. It's not a comfortable feeling, but it's my own fault because I know to eat smaller meals! I love the belly though because I know our little boy is in there, so I feel impatient for it/him to keep growing bigger.

 

This is Nolan at about 20 weeks. 

 

Sleep: I sleep a LOT these days, and I'm starting to worry a little bit about going to back to work. Ok, I'm starting to worry a LOT bit, since I also don't officially know what I'll be doing when school starts this year. But back to the sleep issue, how am I supposed to go from sleeping in until 8 am every day (at the earliest), to waking up at 5 am again? Ugh. Woe is me. Right now I generally sleep about 9 hours at night, and then many afternoons I find myself taking a very short cat nap on the couch too. I figure that's good practice for once the baby is here, because I'm not generally a very good napper. I do love me some sleep right now though!

Movement: Not as much as I'd like yet! I seem to have a night-owl on my hands, as I swear I only ever feel him move around in the evenings. We're still not to the point where it's very regular yet either, so when I feel it, it's usually fleeting and then he's moved on to another spot. I feel greedy for more of it though, because it really is the best feeling in the world. I don't feel QUITE as worried that I'm not feeling more movement yet as I did before Monday's appointment, because even when I saw him moving around on the sonogram, I couldn't feel it laying on the table. So just because I don't always feel it yet, doesn't mean he's not moving. Hopefully SOON I'll really start feeling it more and with more regularity. That will help put this mama's mind at ease (or at least we can hope :).

Food Cravings: Muffins, kettle-style potato chips, bacon (I try to go for turkey bacon, which at least has SOME nutritional value) and BLT's (going along with the bacon theme). Oh, and more muffins. I could eat muffins all day long right now. So weird (and delicious).

Clothes: I can't wear any normal pants at this point, so it's all stretchy skirts, flowy dresses or maternity shorts for these hot days. I'm also mostly wearing maternity tank tops, since most of my usual ones no longer cover my belly. At some point I'll have to think about buying some professional clothes for going back to school, but I can't go there yet (I can't believe I even just wrote that). It's not even August yet. Ha.

Appointments: Well, I already wrote in my last post about the fun appointment I had on Monday. That wasn't the best appointment ever, but I am at least thankful that I got to see Nolan on the big screen again, including his sweet little feet which were crossed at the ankles. And the kid is destined to have some BIG feet, since Phil and I both sport some giant pairs ourselves. 

Emotions: If you have been reading this blog (all 2 of you :), then you already know I have been one big ball of crazy lately. I try to blame the hormones, but I know realistically a lot of it is just me and how I am. I still have some pretty crazy anxiety, but like I already mentioned, the last few days have been much better, and for that I'm thankful. I am so happy too, and I hope I don't come off as ungrateful. This baby is all I've ever wanted, so of COURSE I am happy to be where I am today, it's just that my fear of losing this happiness sometimes overtakes that joy. I'm working on that. And writing this all out always helps, so I guess I'll keep that up... If you are reading this, thank you! I know they're aren't many of you, but even just knowing there are a couple of women who understand how you feel can make all the difference in the world. :)