I feel like I'm crazy

I am really struggling (still) with my anxiety lately, and also quite obviously with some lingering depression as well. Why is it so much harder to admit to the depression? I've struggled with both over the last 4 years or so, but most acutely since everything started with our miscarriages in 2010. It's like I just can't shake the disillusionment about life and my loss of innocence. I'm stuck in this bitter place where I'm angry about what happened to me, angry about what was taken away (the inability to enjoy pregnancy and believe my baby will live), and angry that most women never have to know what this feels like (not that I'd really want them to). And I hate being angry and bitter and sad, so then I make myself feel guilty for struggling so much with these issues. It's a fun cycle.

Today I had an appointment with my OB, which I scheduled late last week even though I already had a routine appointment scheduled for August 6th. I found I just couldn't wait another 2 weeks with all of my fears, questions and concerns floating around in my head. I looked forward to this appointment because usually this Dr. is amazing and SO good at reassuring me that all is well. And this appointment started out that way. Actually, we started by me voicing my concerns about not really feeling the baby move much yet, if at all, and he just went ahead and got me ready for an ultrasound (I didn't expect this, as we'd just had one a week and a half ago, but I wasn't about to turn down the chance to see my little man). Now there is one thing this Dr. is not the greatest at, and that's doing good ultrasounds. He never takes clear pictures, and actually this time he didn't even take one still shot at all, so left with no evidence of having seen my baby boy. But, he did show me the heartbeat and was able to reassure me that baby is in fact alive and well. Of course, he was not moving at ALL at first, except for the little flicker of his heart, so it wasn't really doing too much to make me feel better. Still, he just kept the ultrasound going and kept moving it around, and eventually Nolan (what we're calling our boy, at least for now) started to perform a bit more and was moving all over the place. That DID make me feel better, but overall it was kind of a weird experience. First, it was the first ultrasound I've done by myself this pregnancy. And second, after it was over I started to feel really hot and dizzy like I was going to faint. I have no idea what that was all about, but it was poor timing because that's when my OB started talking to me about some really heavy stuff.

Basically, he asked started by asking me if I ever see a psychologist. I said, "yes, I see a therapist," and when he asked who it was he said, "No, she's a psychiatrist, not a psychologist." Ok, what does it matter? I see someone who lets me talk through some of my issues, and that's the important thing. But I felt uncomfortable with how concerned he all of a sudden seemed to be about my anxiety and depression issues. Actually, he made me feel pretty self-concious about it, even though he did say "I hope you know that when talk to you about this stuff, I am not judging you at all. I'm just concerned about you." And I appreciated that, but I guess it still made me feel even worse, like something must REALLY be wrong with me. He looks at it as that this pregnancy appears totally fine and normal, so why am I fixated on my fear that we will lose the baby? I tried to explain to him that it's because that is all I KNOW with pregnancy so far, and so it's nearly impossible for me to imagine a different outcome. I thought as an OB with lots of experience he'd be able to understand that, but I guess I was wrong.

He then talked to me about how he is worried about how I'll feel/be after the baby is born. It was probably a good reality check for me to hear him say that it is often a lot harder than most women expect. He said, "I don't think this pregnancy has gone how you'd expected it to, right?" (Meaning it's been much harder emotionally than I even anticipated). I agreed. He then proceeded to tell me that he's concerned about how I'll handle things AFTER the baby is here. He said having a baby is often so different than what women expect, and that's it's also a lot harder. He's worried that with how much I worry NOW, I will worry even more once I have an infant in my care. And he's probably got a good point, if I'm honest with myself. Truthfully, I worry about post-partum depression all of the time, because I basically just assume I'll struggle with. Heck, I'm already struggling with depression as it is, and this should be one of the happiest times in my life. He knows I've been on medication in the past and so when we talked about it again, he said I might want to consider going on it right away after birth, even if means foregoing breastfeeding. This made me bristle, as that's not really an option for me. So long as I am able to breastfeed, that is what I want to do. It's so important to me for so many reasons (the least of which is not that my mom spent many years as a lactation specialist and is basically the queen of all things related to breastfeeding). But, I do get what he's saying. If I'm going to be too much of a mess to even care for my baby, then breastfeeding won't really matter at that point. Better for me to be healthy and emotionally available for my baby, I guess. It's a valid point.

Still, what I didn't like or appreciate about this conversation (although I do fully understand its relevance), is that my brain is so far away from thinking about life after this baby is born at this point, because right now I have enough to worry about in just fearing something will go wrong with my baby in the next 20 weeks. My anxiety has to do with losing the baby before its time, not with dealing with an infant. And I thought he understood that. All this appointment today did was provide one more thing for me to fret about, and really he just made me feel like I'm going to suck as a mom because I struggle with these issues I have no control over. I left feeling once again frustrated with myself that I can't just be "normal" and happy about my life, like everyone else. Clearly, if he's that concerned, there is something wrong with me, when right along I'd just assumed this was not abnormal behavior for a pregnant woman with a history of miscarriage. Maybe I was wrong...

Anyway, I just needed to vent. I apologize for how negative this blog has been lately, and assure you that I am not all doom and gloom 24 hours a day. I promise! And for today, Nolan is alive and kicking (even if I can't feel it yet), and that's all that matters. The rest is just details. I need to post a happier update with some pictures soon!

Now to try to stay cool in this too-hot heat... it is KILLING me! The next house we live in WILL have AC. :)