My Dental Hygienist Thinks I'm Really Having a Baby

Once in a while I find myself taken aback by other people's reactions to my pregnancy: Mostly, they seem to truly believe I'll be bringing a baby home in December. Huh, you could have fooled me. More and more frequently lately, I find myself having conversations about things I still can't imagine actually happening to me. For example, last night I was with some girlfriends, 3 of which have had babies in the last year. They were asking me about labor and my plans for that, and I admit I was kind of left speechless. I can't think beyond today at this point, and most of the time even that is too much. I still spend a good percent of every day believing my baby will die, since, well, that's just what happens to me. So what if I'm 19 weeks now instead of 10 like before? Yes, it's further than we've ever been, but I guess I've been surprised by how little reassurance or confidence that really gives me. Things happen, bad things, at every point in pregnancy, including after the baby is born. And once you go through loss and your innocence is shattered, I've found it's pretty damn hard to put aside that knowledge that not all babies make it. I just can't be very optimistic anymore, though I wish with all my heart I could. So I anticipate I'll start thinking about labor at oh, maybe 8 months, 3 weeks pregnant. I'll HAVE to at that point, right? Ha.

My pessimism ("hope for the best, but expect the worst") is something I am getting good at hiding in public. I only let my true (doom and gloom) colors show with the people I really trust, and even then I'm not always honest about how I'm feeling. Because let's be honest, people can get tired of hearing my fears that my baby might be dead pretty darn quickly. It's just not a normal conversation most sane human beings are willing to have more than once in a while. So typically now, I just act like I'm fine and the baby is fine and that's that. No fear, no worries. I'm just a happy pregnant lady like the rest of the them. Only I'm not.

I had my 6 month check up at the dentist today, and it was kind of hard for me. The hygienist of course started by asking my favorite question: "Is this your first baby?" I wasn't feeling up to talking about my history, so I just answered, "yes." She then proceeds to enter my due date in their computer, while she fires away at a million questions a minute. What are my plans for taking maternity leave? Are my parents excited to be grandparents? How has the pregnancy been so far? And on and on. When my cleaning was done, she got on the computer to schedule my next appointment for January. "You'll have a baby with you then, but you can just bring it to the office! We have babies in here all the time. Of course, maybe you'll be ready for a break at that point, in which case you could just come on your own for the appointment. Or, if the weather is bad and you don't want to drive with the baby on snowy roads yet, you can always reschedule." I sat there with my mouth hanging open. She really, truly believed I would be having this baby, no problem, in December. There's no doubt about it. She even picked out a baby toothbrush for ages 4-24 months, and put it in my bag with my own supplies. WHAT!? I mean, don't get me wrong, it was so sweet and kind of her, but it really made me uncomfortable because it just highlights to me how jaded I am about the whole thing. I got even more uncomfortable when she walked me out and loudly announced I was going to "be a mommy" to every single employee in the place. I mean seriously. As I was leaving, the lady vacuuming by the front door even said "congratulations" to me. Thanks?? I think? I'm glad SOMEONE can feel confident this will all end well.

See, I haven't had this baby yet. And until I do, and I see it breathing and moving in my arms, I don't think I'm going to believe this is real. Babies happen to other people, not to me. My babies die without explanation, and then I find out about it weeks later. That's just what happens, people! Why don't others seem more worried about that? I guess it's because they haven't walked in my shoes... and hopefully they never will.

So anyway, I have a baby toothbrush in my possession now. And for some reason, that really freaks me out.

Oh, and then there are all the women I know who are due right around the same time as me, and many of them are already having baby showers this summer. It honestly blows my mind! One girl even has her nursery entirely painted, assembled and ready to go, right down to the bedding, the diapers, and the closet full of clothes. She is due a month before me. That means November. It's July. Is this normal behavior? Am I just that far out of the loop? I feel like I won't feel comfortable having a shower until the baby is already here (I'll just jinx myself if I do it before, right?), but friends have assured me that will change as I get further along. Still, it's just another thing to make me feel like an outsider on this whole thing called pregnancy. I'm out here, while the rest of them are in there actually BELIEVING their babies will come home with them at the end of this whole process. Imagine that. I wish I could!

I'll end with a self-taken picture from last week (18 weeks and a few days). Sometimes looking at these pictures forces me to realize that at least for now, there really IS a baby growing away in there.