18 weeks

I see these posts on many of the blogs I follow, and realized I have not recorded a single moment of this pregnancy so far, out of fear mostly. My first pregnancy, I bought a pregnancy journal and immediately began recording every single detail, until the day we found out the baby was gone... I just haven't been able to go back there since then. And yet, I know I will want to remember things about this whole experience.

How Far Along: 18 weeks, 1 day

Size of Baby: About 5.5 inches long and 7 ounces (about the size of a bell pepper)

Weight Gain: Well, I never weighed myself before the pregnancy, or really until the 12 week appointment, I don't think. Again, I was too paranoid and didn't want to do anything that would indicate I really was putting my hopes into this pregnancy yet. But, I think I was around 132-135 at the start, and I'm around 145 right now, so 10 whole pounds already. This seems like a lot, but I'm not going to worry about it. :)

Belly: Definitely showing a nice little belly now, and I love it. I feel incredibly proud of this little belly and try to wear clothes that show it, rather than hide it. I just never thought I'd get to have a my very own baby belly!

Sleep: I get at least 8 hours a night, and most mornings feel like I could keep sleeping forever. I sleep great right now, and usually only get up once to go to the bathroom, typically not until early morning though. I use lots of pillows to keep me positioned on my side (left side mostly, as that's recommended), and am pretty comfortable. I am NOT a napper, but occasionally take a little afternoon snooze if I'm reading and the mood strikes. It's great being on summer break right now, because it really allows me the luxury of sleeping as much as I like/need to.

Movement: I have felt what I think/hope are some movements, but I have no idea if it's the baby or just my stomach being active/gassy. It feels similar to that, like a faint rumbling. It happened for the first time last Sunday when Phil and I were tubing down the Platte River, and I've felt it a few times since then. Of course, now I am super paranoid whenever I CAN'T feel it and find I am using the doppler more than I'd like. It just helps me to hear that sweet little heartbeat pumping away in there, when otherwise there's no way of knowing if this baby is still alive or not. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm just going to worry about my baby dying up until the very end. I can't help it. I hope it gets better once he/she really starts moving more though. 

Food Cravings: Kettle cooked potato chips, specifically a kind I get at Oryana's made with Avocado Oil. I ate an entire bag one day last week and have only bought them once since then. They're dangerous right now! So, so good. I want some right now.

Clothes: My mom took me to get some maternity clothes after my 15 week appointment, which was a hard step for me to take. I really felt like I was jinxing things since the last time we bought clothes like this, my baby died the next day. But, it was necessary and even a little fun. At least they are all from a very cute consignment shop downtown, so they're not brand new. I'm mostly wearing skirts with stretchy material or dresses. I don't like anything at all restricting around my waste at this point.


Appointments: Next Thursday, July 12th, is our BIG appointment at 19 weeks, 2 days. We'll see the baby on ultrasound for the first time since 12 weeks, and we'll also find out if it's a boy or a girl. Of course I'm also super nervous because they look at the development of everything too, to make sure the baby is healthy. I'm praying hard everything will check out as normal!

Emotions: I'm all over the place. I feel very happy at times, but more often I feel nervous and worried and insecure. I still can't believe I could really do this, that my body could carry a baby to term and that we could bring home a real, live baby at the end of it all. Still, I get really excited when I think I feel it moving. I love this baby so much, but it's still hard for me to really let myself fully attach. It's still self-preservation at this point. I also still struggle with sadness about our history and jealousy towards other women going through pregnancy who have never had a single issue getting pregnant or staying pregnant. I wonder if that will just always be a part of who I am. I hope not.


There are other moments I want to record here too, like the time I puked in the middle of the Blue Bird restaurant in Leland on my dad's birthday. It was classic, and horrible and wonderful all at once. I was thankful for every episode of nausea and vomiting that came my way that first trimester, and that was no exception, even if it WAS embarrassing. I think I was between 9-10 weeks along, and we went out there for the buffet lunch that Sunday. I got my first plate of food and although I wasn't feeling great, I didn't think I was going to throw up. Well, suddenly that changed and I said "I'm going to the bathroom." My mom asked if I needed her to come, and while I said no, I'm so glad she followed me anyway. For the first time ever, I did NOT make it to the bathroom, and instead puked right there on the floor, in the middle of all the buffet tables and the people filling their plates. I tried to catch it in my hands (so gross), but it went everywhere, including all over my pants and shoes. Yummy, enjoy your lunches everyone. :) My mom helped me clean up in the bathroom, after assuring everyone that I was NOT sick and did NOT have the flu, I was just pregnant. And the poor hostess was stuck cleaning up my mess, while I went back to sit down and eat my lunch (I felt better after throwing up, of course, and was able to eat). We all had a good laugh, but my dad did joke that we wouldn't be coming back there anytime soon. That was definitely a low point/highlight of my pregnancy, and one I don't want to forget!